Sue Costello - Minus 32 Million Words

OK, so this guy came up to me the other night, he was beside himself because he saw me in the Laurence Fishburne movie, “Once in the life,” and then last night, this guy was like, “I saw you on T.V, and I was like I know her.” Sounds glamorous right? Well,  since I’m always blabbing about how important humility is and how it’s so important to show your true self; in honor of my art I have decided to break the mystique. Over the next few days I am going to lay out how crazy me and my career have been. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Here are a few teasers, I farted on Pat finn, got thrown off Murphy Brown and had a dog try to f*ck me in the ass….stay tuned

I fell asleep last night watching a medical show about the human heart. They were doing a study on these people who had heart conditions that could cause them to go into cardiac arrest at any moment and die. I lie there thinking, imagine having to live like that? Then my next thought was, we all do. We all live like that, every day, but we pretend not to. There was one guy who had a defibrillator implanted in his chest right below his heart. So, if he were to go into cardiac arrest, the defibrillator would shock him back to life.  One of the doctors was commenting on the progress they have made in terms of understanding the human heart. He said in the past they never would have thought the heart could withstand such and invasion. He said that the study of cardiology was a relatively young process. That it wasn’t until the 1930’s did they begin to discover potential of the human heart. He said not until they started to remove shrapnel from peoples hearts did they notice how incredibly strong a muscle it really was.  I thought, we have all had shrapnel in our hearts at one time or another. We have all gone through shocking our selves back to life after having our heart broken. And we keep going, some of choose to shut it down and some of us choose to open it up and see the potential. If we chose to shut down because someone has hurt us, then the hurt wins, our fear becomes so heavy that we curl over and turn in animals, non speaking entities, isolated.  But never really, because we are the only animals who carry our hearts on the front of our bodies. It is our duty as human beings stand up and show our hearts so we can allow other to, so we can save the ones who can’t save themselves. I am blown away by the power of saving a human life and how much each person means. I was watching that guy lying on  the table thinking look how  much care he is taking of himself so that he doesn’t die and then my brother Jimmy came to mind. Ten years ago he was drunk driving and got pulled over by the cops. He was driving on a suspended licence, so, when the cop went to run his licence, Jimmy took off.  He ended up flipping his van and was lying dead on the side of the road. The cop chased him and came to and intersection, he could go north or south. He remembered that Jimmy’s van had a south shore address on it, so he went south. He found Jimmy lying there, dead and breathed air into his lungs. Jimmy died again and when the firefighters showed up someone said, “he’s dead, forget it” and the firefighters said “let’s try one more time.” They did, and they saved Jimmy’s life.  So for any of you out there thinking its over and  you can’t try one more time, don’t underestimate the strength of that muscle we call the human heart.

Good monring all, as I was washing my face this morning I was looking at all the little lines on my face thinking, that one was from when I had my heart broken, and those are the ones I got from laughing so hard, and the ones on my cheeks are the ones I got from making funny faces. The other night I was sitting beside this woman and she has no wrinkles, none not around her eyes or mouth or nuthin and I sat there thinking where is her life? Her life had literally been removed from her face. I started thinking about how when I was 13 I scratched my face up with a rusty point of an old compass because I hated myself so much I wanted to erase who I was.  I thought, that is what plastic surgery is. It’s a more acceptable form of cutting. And why do we do it?  For other women. I started to think about how when I did the movie Southie and an actress that I worked with told me that my wrinkles give me character and that she could never do stand up because a guy would never laugh at a girl he wanted to f**K. And then I started thinking about my old boyfriends niece, we used to have quiet time in her room, she was three at the time. We were on her bed and she looked at me and said “Sue you have wrinkles.” And I got so insecure, I said “I know but you can see them now because the sun is shining on them so much.” and she responded “No, I see them all the time.” Who taught her about wrinkles? And then there was my friends daughter who was four when I did Last Comic standing, she called me Costello. When they asked her on camera if she thought that Costello was funny she simply said “no.”  Everybody laughed and moved on, except her. And hour later she was still crying and when she finally stopped her Mom asked her what was wrong and she said, “I said that Costello isn’t funny because I wanted to say that she is pretty and I didn’t think you could be both.”

Yes it’s true, i’m a very good bowler and a great dancer but when it comes to singing not so much. But funny, Gawd am I funny.  Sunday night before the guy approached me on the street I was with my friend. We had just gotten back from the Hamptons, which btw, i have any mixed feelings about. It’s a bit much for my taste. It feels just like the city and all the showing off bores me, i feel like lot’s of it so about the outside instead of being true from the inside.  But Sat night as i walked on the beach in East hampton with the moon shimmering on the water i couldn’t help but think that there has to be a God. I really felt it and aprreciated it.  Anyway, as we were driving out, that song by Whitney Houston came on. “I believe the children are our future” and Iremembered how much I loved it when I was younger. So, as i was walking from the car i began signing it at the top of my lungs (very bad singing) so you would think people would be annoyed. Well low and behold we walked by one guy who laughed so hard then a girl and another. So even though i can’t sing very well it still brought lots of people joy. But ,when i am good at something watch out. Last night my friend had a bowling party for her birthday and there were about 30 people there. I was the highest scorer for the women. I think it’s the music that makes me bowl so well, I love it! And my friends daughter, i love her too. She’s 13 and she’s so smart and funny. At one point while she was taking candid shots of me bowling i told her that this one shot was a representation of my career. I almost got a strike and she jumped for joy. Then i asked her if she was my daughter would she listen to me. (I’ve always had this fear that because i’m small i would have this big kid who would never listen to me.) She says “sue if i were your daughter I’d prob be small too and many powerful people were small um, Napoleon.”  She so cute i can’t take it. And then my other friend Allison showed up a bit stressed so i gave her a dance show. She was shocked that i could dance the way I do. Growing up in Boston that’s what we did to express out sexuality, so you can imagine that coupled with years of yoga how my hips move. LOL My message for today is “i believe the children are our future, small people can be powerful too, and the hips don’t lie so loosing up the butt cheeks and STOP SHOWING OFF AND FOR CHRIST’S SAKE HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I usually wait until the morning to blog, but i am compelled. I was just walking home while wearing my ipod at 11:30pm minding my ownbusiness,  when I feel a pull on my arm. I turned around and it’ s good looking guy . So i lower the music and he says, “excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt but i was just in the bank and i saw you walking and you look really nice.” I said thank you and he said “are you down here often?” and i replied,” no I’m sorry,” and then he said “oh i was hoping Karma was going to bring us back together and i thought, only if karma is the name of a women’s shelter. That kind of aggression is never ever sexy………

My friend has a daughter and from the second she could speak she called me Costello. I think it’s because her Dad used to say Sue Costello is coming over and she only heard Costello. Anyway, she is the cutest kid on earth and we have had a special connection since she was born. I’ve babysat her many times but the most profound time was Sept 12th 2001, it was her first day of school and the day after Sept 11th. I went to the upper east side armed with all my sorrow knowing full well that I would have to hide it when I saw her. It was odd, i lived downtown at the time and the Upper East side seemed much less affected. I walked into the apartment and out she came with her blue dress and blue bow yelling “;Costello’s here!” She was so cute i forgot my sorrow for a second. She was so unaffected. For an hour or so we played and then i gave her her sippy cup and she sat in the chair and I on the couch. I picked up the New York Times and there was a list of all the missing people and my heart sunk. She was not even looking at me and at that moment she turned and said Costello are you ok? I means she was  2.   Then when it was time to leave she hugged me for a good five minutes.  Since then we have had many more moments like that. There was the time when she was afraid to take her turtleneck off because her Dad had gotten it stuck on her head one day and now she was shell shocked. I told her not ot worry that if it got stuck Costello would run in the kitchen and get the scissors and cut it off. Through her tears she asked, “Costello do big girls cry?”And then there was the time when we were walking to get the mail in Nantucket and a helicopter flew over head and scared her and i told her that Costello would always protect her.  And the time we were sitting at the dining room table and i said some word and she picked right up on it and asked me what it meant. I can’t remember the word but it was one of those words that you really can’t describe but i tried and half way through she said “its too confusing!” While circling her fingers around her ears. A year later i was filming Last Comic Standing and they interviewed her, they asked her if she thought Costello was funny and she said “no” and everyone laughed.  A few minutes later she was in the kitchen crying hysterically to her Mom, she felt bad because she didn’t mean that i wasn’t funny but she wanted to say that i was pretty and she didn’t think i could be both. HMMMMMMMMMMM she was three at the time. Did someone teach her that, or was she born with it?   It’s too confusing.

I am lmao right now. I wish i had a video camera so i could documnet the exchange between myself and my friend Nancy.  I am sitting working on my computer and she on hers. All of a sudden i get and email from a gentleman named Curtiss. He says that he wants me to come to Chicago because he wants to rack with me. I ask Nancy, who is younger than me, what that means and she says he wants to play hide the salami with sue z c. And i say “no” then i go back and forth, is it rack? in the rack or in the sack?” at which point Nancy’s sighs and says go to urban dictionary., where we find that Curtiss indeed wants to rack with me which means play hide the salami. Curis needs to take number because there is a long line at that deli.

Hi everybody sorry for the delay we switched servers and i couldn’t figure this thing out:)

Anyway, I had to mail my taxes this morning and  i nearly had an anxiety attack just from licking the envelopes and, this is the first year I’m getting money back in about ten years so you would think I would be happy. But try as I may i couldn’t calm myself down. I made it to the post office with my book and my ipod fully expecting to have to wait for hours. Low and behold there were like 4 people in line. I was psyched. So i went to the little counter with all the labels like a big girl but when i got there the slip i needed wasn’t there. The panic got worse, my chest tightened my breath shortened because i knew what this meant: i was going to have to ask an United States postal worker for help. I could feel myself shrinking as i walked up to the window. The woman i approached was waiting on another woman and i politely said “excuse me.”  She let out a blood curdling scream that practically knocked me over. NOT NOW!!!!!!!! So being the scared little child that i had become in the four minutes since i entered the post office i scurried away. I went to the inquiry window, where there was a slick Italian guy standing with his shizziil all spread out on the counter. I politely said excuse me to him, he grunted and oh so nicely let me poke my head around him to call for another postal worker to help me. This postal worker told me i had to ask one someone at the window. I politely told him that i had tried to do that and she yelled at me. He told me to meet him at window 10 in a few minutes. Oh i forgot to tell you i had this guy holding my place in line the whole time. Finally i got the slips i needed (which are proof of mailing which is much cheaper than return receipt.) They i walked back to my place in line and again i heard another blood curdling scream “next and only if you’re ready” I had only filled out two of my slips at this point but i wasn’t going to forfeit my place in line because by now the line had grown to about 30 people. So I walk up to the window to literally one of the nastiest human beings i have ever come across.  She screams, ”one at a time!” and throws the first one at me. All of a sudden i remembered that i was a grown woman and not a child, that i was standing there on my own two feet and i felt a strength well up in me. I let it drop and then give her the evil eye and ask “Is that mine?” she knew what the f*ck i was talkin about. It’s a respect thing. Dontcha know she handed the other four to me properly. Then as i was leaving I said ”have a nice day, I hope you feel better” and that’s when her neck started bobbing “what are you talking about I’m fine” and i was like “really hm?’ and  i walked out.   Let her sit there and stew and wonder what i meant. You see in the past, i would’ve gotten into a whole thing with her and let her dump her aggression on me cause believe me she was just waiting for someone. Either that, or i would try to save her by being all nice but this time…. I showed her who’s boss, i was like mam you left a package on my doorstep and it needs to be returned to sender.

Oh my Gawd… What a night… what a birthday and funny as a i write this “My song is on KTU” “High energy” this guy pugsy who used to be all jacked up on perquisites used to sing this to me growing up. lol  Anyway, yesterday was my birthday and i spent day feilding  emails and calls from tons of people who saw me on the Barbra Walters special. Such kind words about how funny i was and how great i looked. I mean could i be more grateful for all the love????  One of the emails was from my friend who owns a restaurant in the meatpacking district, she said she was jealous that i was going to the Waverly inn for dinner and she was off to the Soho house. I told her i met an adorable advertising guy at the Soho house and dated him for a while her in NYC and in LA.  I get dressed for dinner, in my Jimmy choo boots, my Prada coat and my Bottega Veneta bag and off we go. I got a resi  at the Waverly Inn on account of I know the bartender. Actually i know them both, but i didn’t know that until i got there. So, we get there and have to wait a few minutes for our table so we shimmy over to the bar to say hi to the boys.  They make me the fuzziest birthday drink and then these two hot french guys turn to me and ask if i would like an oyster. I have never eaten an oyster before this but i figured what the hell you only live once.  I told them i tried a sardine in the south of France once and they say they are not even close. So they hand it to me and all I can think was “Sue please don’t gag on it and throw up on them!” You know how you do that you say f*ck it I’m gonna live out loud. But then you realize it’s actually too much for your own inhibitions. (actually I was telling another Friend yesterday about how i did that with some lingerie once lol)  So i down the oyster with  no backlash. The guys start asking me what i do and the bartender tells them I’m an actress and I’ve been on TV and that I’m funny. All the while they are getting texts from another friend that they are waiting for, so they want to know how they read my blog and such and of course i don’t have cards so i write it on napkin which these guys find even cooler. Then all of a sudden the friend shows up and the go to introduce me and she says i know Sue Costello she’s a very funny girl. I turn around and it’s this magazine publisher that i met at yoga and went to dinner a bunch of times with. And then she asks. does you’re boyfriend still own that amazing restaurant?? LOL I replied no more boyfriend and no more restaurant. Then they seat us right beside Harvey Keitel. Who by the way did not show us his ass……….. So what I’m trying to say is i should never ever ever spend one second thinking that i don’t have a fabulous life!!!  I’ve come a long way from a little kid with a lazy eye that they used to throw in the middle of the street outside the library in fields corner. Yes the clothes the guys and the fancy stuff is nice but the fact that i can have good feelings and really appreciate it is what i am truly humbled by. I don’t want to have a nice life and not see it!!!!!! Believe me I will use all my high energy to remain humbled by it every single second for the rest of my life!!!!

When you get what you want in your struggle for self and the world makes you queen for a day,just go to the mirror and look at yourself,and see what THAT gal has to say.For it isn’t your husband or family or friend whose judgement upon you must pass; the gal whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from  the glass.Some people may think you a straight-shootin’ chum and call you a  person of place,but the gal in the glass says you’re only a bum if you can’t look her straight in the face. She’s the gal to please,never mind all the rest,for she’s with you clear up to the end,and you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test if the gal in the glass is your friend. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years and get pats on the back as you pass, but your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the gal in the glass.       Anonymous