I am amazed lately as my career is taking off again, at what happens to people when it comes to fame. There have been 3 instances lately where I genuinely shared a personal moment with them and they took it and immediately thought, how  can i use this for myself? How can i get myself attention with this. They don’t get it, they block their own love wehn they act like that. They actually push away the exact thing that they are trying to attract.

When my career took off earlier in life i didn’t see any of this because it all happened so fast. Now the process is slower and it’s really hard to see this about people, but it’s the only way I can protect myself. Early on I would shut down and not give to people anymore, but I’m the one who suffered from that. I used to think if you can’t beat em you might as well join em, but then I was trapped by it all.   It makes me feel free to be open.  I thought shutting down was protection,  but it wasn’t.  I wasn’t seeing people for who they really are. By being honest and genuine and generous with these people they are showing me who they really are. It’s like a huge spotlight shining on them and it’s coming directly from my heart.

http://billbrett.com/2010-Boston-Events/84-Minus-32-Million-Words/13321530_PAFSR#968386145_WJE74

My friend wasn’t as interested I was and I  could feel her shifting as he kept talking.  After a little while I felt like something was weird. I asked” wouldn’t someone be here to set up by now?” He said “oh yeah” as my friend noticed people walking in another door.  He said “thanks for listening to me, you’re very calm and I don’t get that a lot. ”

As we walked towards the other door my friend and I realized that the show had been going on and he had tricked us.

He came walking in behind me and I asked “did you trick me?” He said” no no but thank you for listening to me, you made my whole day.”

We laughed and I knew he had just worked me. But you know what? I didn’t care. I said to my friend “no one ever listens to that guy, otherwise why would he have to lie and manipulate? I said” call me crazy, but that’ s who I am I’d rather lend an ear to that guy and give him some comfort even if he is trying to work me.”

I win in the end anyway.

Only love is real, fear is an illusion that we create to deflect the perfection that is our fallible humanity. It is up to us to do the growing, no one can do it for us, but it’s not until we put it into action and share it with others, that we see ourselves reflected back.

The kid on my trial was being accused of driving the get away car.  Even as I write this, 20 years later, I think to myself, what mugger plans that well to have a get away car?

Anyway, before the trial started, the judge looked me in the eye and asked if would be able to make a decision that was beyond a reasonable doubt if I found him guilty and if not, I had to acquit.  I answered “yes”  and I meant it. I am a big believer in the value of my word.

As the trial stared, I sat there listening and watching. The D.A didn’t seem trustworthy. (but that wasn’t a fact) they brought the old lady in, I felt bad for her, (but that wasn’t a fact, and the guy who mugged her had already been tried and I wasn’t supposed to consider that into my decision)” Beyond a reasonable doubt” I kept telling myself. The cop that took the stand came across as aggressive and racist( but that was not a fact.)

The kid took the stand, his alibi was that he was helping his sister move to Boston College when his friend flagged him down.  I thought, his sister goes to college, he’s a nice brother, (but that was emotional not facts). And I’ll even go as far as to say I’m a sucker for people, I always see the good. (but again, not a fact)

It was up to the D.A to prove that this kid was only in that spot to pick up the mugger and he needed to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.

He did not do that.

We sat the deliberating room and it was 11 to 1.  11 guilty and 1 not guilty. I was the not guilty. They were going to sequester us. The last thing in the world I wanted to do at 18, was get stuck in a hotel with a bunch of old people, old people, who would be pissed at me because I was the reason that they didn’t get to go home to see their families. But I was willing to do it because I gave the judge my word.

They argued with me, they brought up the old lady and I had compassion, some of them were racist, and it pulled on my own racism, but again I kept going back to the facts. It was not proven beyond a reasonable doubt. All the rest was just noise.

They said “sue what if he does it again?” And I argued back, what if you charge and innocent boy with a crime that he didn’t commit. A black kid growing up in Boston who was helping his sister move to Boston College? What if one of your family members were caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.?’  Wouldn’t you want the jury to know they were right beyond a reasonable doubt before sentencing. I argued emotions because I believed the facts.

I also believe in humanity and the consequence that quick judgement can have on a human life which in turn affects our society.

I turned that jury around by the end of the day the vote was 12 to 0. 12 not guilty and 0 guilty.

I was thinking the other day “how did I do that? and it hit me, because there was no doubt in my mind about what was right. All the other chatter was emotions but the facts were the facts.

I have no attachment to the Boston Fire Department, I don’t even live in Boston but I am moved to speak up for what i believe and that is what’s right is right.

The Boston Fire Department and the City of Boston could not reach a labor agreement, both parties agreed to go to arbitration. The arbitrator voted in favor of the fire fighters.  In any legal matter this judgement would be binding. Boston needs the legislative branch to approve the budget so the city is using emotions to turn the people against the BFD and in turn the people are calling the city council men in a rage.  The city councilmen want to be re elected.

All I’m saying is what’s fair is fair. It has nothing to do with anything but the facts and I still believe that someones word is everything.  Both sides agreed to accept the arbitrators decision.  The city can appeal, they can play ball on the up and up. All this low ball oppressive stuff is only going to hurt everyone.

I also believe that the damage that not respecting the word or the arbitrator will affect society as a whole. If those firemen feel like nothing is right and fair then they will become more and more angry and disheartened. this will cause more drug and alcohol  problems and eventually more lives will be lost. The most important being those guys who climb the ladders to save the people, their hope will be crushed. This is both emotional and fact.   I’m not afraid to say what I believe,  you know why? because I believe it beyond a reasonable doubt.

This is a simple story, but I think that love is simple. Sunday, I went to a brand new yoga place. The class was at 9:45am, I got there about 9:42 and the gate was down. There was one lone girl sitting on the bench with her yoga mat. I sat beside her and she said ” I don’t think anyone is coming and my friend is meeting me here, do you know o any other yoga places?” Then her friend showed up with such a look of discouragement on her face. She said, “on no I really wanted to start my day with yoga.”  I responded “sit, lets wait, I think the teacher is jsut late.” Then I preceded to distracted them with a little small talk and low and behold the teacher showed up! We had a great class and as we were leaving the girl said to me “Sue thank you for being so positive, we wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.” I responded “thank you for being open to it, or I would be here by myself.”

It  took me years to unwind it all. I had to dig out all the feelings that I had repressed.  I mean, I had to change my entire nervous system. I remember being in therapy during a really stressful time. I was having horrible problems with my building.  There was also a hot guy in the picture at the time. I remember the subject of sex came up and I said to my therapist, I can’t have sex with him now, I might get evicted. Her response was “seems like no better time.”

At first I thought she was crazy, how could I have pleasure while I had this thing going on that made me feel like a bad person? ( I was internalizing my apt problems)

Well, years later I realized, that outside circumstances do not dictate whether or not I feel like a good person. How I handle them does.

I realize now what she was trying to say, she wasn’t necessarily saying go have sex with this guy, She was jsut trying to help me see my hang ups.

It ’s not the sex that I have that makes me feel better, it’s how I handle myself when I want to have sex that does.

So this all worked in theory, but I was about to go back to the place where the repression began. It was time to see if I could put this all into action.

I found a black and white photo of a Parisian Lingerie ad. It was just a woman’s butt with lacy boy shorts draped over it.  I bought it and had it framed. The guy behind the counter was so happy when I went back to pick it up. Obviously he liked my choice.

So off to Boston I go and as my friend and I are unloading the car she pulls out the picture and shows it to the doormen and the val let.

For the nest three weeks that picture sat on the mantle of my hotel room as my inspiration.

As I spent time in Boston I saw lots of guys, many that I had dated in the past or at least flirted with.  One was a Boston Police officer. I saw him outside of a wake. He came up and rubbed my arms up and down and told me how great I looked.

Sounds innocent enough, but the rubbing up and down did strike me.

Then as I was standing inside the wake, another guy that I knew from growing up came up to me as said “God Sue you look so hot, and then proceeded to say something really sexual and boundary less.” I left.

As I was walking back into the hotel one of the guys at the door mentioned my picture, and I said to him, I think I figured out what it is with some of the Boston guys, it’s like they are so repressed sexually, that it comes out as deviant.”  He responded “you’re hanging around with the wrong guys.”

I thought about this the whole time that I was in Boston. I thought about how we had been taught to shut off are part of us that was given to us naturally.

Then I starting thinking that since I had the info, Iwas the responsible one.  I should share it, but not through word,s cause that would look like judgment. I can’t tell people what’s going on, it’s way more generous to show them.  I thought I should share it through action.

So, the day before I left, I took that picture down from my mantle, signed it to the boys at the hotel and brought it down to them to put in their break room.

Needless to say THEY LOVED IT!

The next say while moving my stuff out the same guy said that I was hanging around with the wrong guys said “Sue that picture changed me as a person.”

Every single guy from that hotel picked up one of my bags and put it in the car for me.

The one who said that the picture changed him looked genuinely sad that I was leaving, so much so that he kinda hid in the corner.

I yelled to him” don’t be sad,” and he came over took his hat off leaned into the care and kissed my cheek

I don’t know what it was about that tiny exchanged but it really moved me. I’ve been practicing yoga for about 10 years now and I’m always amazed at how you can always go deeper in your practice.  The philosophy being, you do the vinyasa so that you can calm your body down to meditate, to be present.

I feel like it’s working, instead of being worried about being late to jury duty I made sure I was sitting breathing very deeply, and because I was in my body I was acutely aware that I had scared the little boy and was immediately able to calm him down. His little “OK” let me know that I had respected him and acknowledged him as a person.