Sue Costello - Minus 32 Million Words

I’ve been traveling a lot lately and last week, I went looking for a belt that I bought years ago, for like $10, that I later saw at Fred Segal for $150.

I couldn’t find the belt, and I was so mad, but I let it go. I mean really, it’s only a belt and if I’m going to travel and be out in the world, these things are going to happen.

Last night I was talking to a woman who told me that 3 months ago she lost her husband in a motorcycle accident. The two of them had just gotten married a few months before and were going on weekend getaway when the motorcycle they were on, crashed.

She broke a few ribs and a collar bone and he was brain dead.

She had to pull the plug on him.

As I sat with her, I stayed in my body, I said to myself,  ”Sue, be present for this woman. Listen to her, don’t try to fix her.” She is a human being who just went through something so incomprehensible, that to pretend that I have the answers, would be insulting and a block to just being there.

As we sat there, she talked about how she didn’t want to live anymore, but she didn’t believe in suicide, so she was going to choose life.

She said “Sue, I don’t want this to make me bitter.”

My eyes filled with tears and I told it was OK to be mad and to be depressed and to do whatever she needed to, and that her joy would come back but I think in order for that to happen, she needed to go through it.

I don’t know, I just wanted to sit with her. To listen to her, to look in her eyes and have a moment. to acknowledge a human being who just went through something so beyond me that all I had to share with her was my humanity and my own powerlessness.

That was the connection, not that I had answers, not that I had reasons for why things happen, not to talk.  The connection was to sit there and look into her eyes and feel that we have no control.

When I walked away from her ,I went to the bathroom and cried really hard.

Then I went to work and made people laugh.

Because life goes on, but it’s not life unless you are sharing it with people.

When I got home, I looked at the place where my belt used to be and thought that women probably went home and looked at her bed ,to the spot where her husband used to be.

I couldn’t believe that  I was so tight about a thing, that because I traveled I lost it, what’s my alternative to stay home with all my stuff and not live?

Here was this woman who lost a person, because they were out in the world and here she was, back out in the world, talking with me, having a moment, all the while saying that she didn’t want to become bitter.

People are way more important than things, and experiencing another human being through your own, is what makes and keeps us alive until we are gone forever.

But even then, we leave a little piece of ourselves, not through our stuff, but through the experience that the living can carry around in their hearts.

It has taken me forever to learn that but I’m getting it and loving it all at the same time. Actually I think slowly=pleasure in all aspects of my life.

When I go fast with anything I’m not respecting my own humanity and when I don’t respect my own I don’t respect others.

To plow (, excuse the pun) through anything can pretty much guarantee that it will end badly.

The tortoise won the race yet it’s hard to live it.

Going fast seems a way to avoid feelings but in actuality it makes me have many more and ussually they are way worse.

Which brings me to a line from the book The Road Less Traveled that changed my life. It says that often time the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have to feel if we just went through it.

I know I’ve written about this before but , the more I live the more I see how important that line is.

To care that much about myself to go slow and let my feelings come up and go so that I can act in reality is about the most amazing thing ever.

There is no money in the world that could make me feel the way i feel when I handle my self with dingity and respect. Which in turn makes me treat others the same.

It comes full circle.

Road Less Traveled… 15.95

Therapy…………. a bunch of money.

Me, who was socialized through abuse, having the ability to give and receive love…PRICELESS

I am so grateful to all the people who have seen my show far. Last night, before I went on stage, I thought about how awesome it is that so many people have come to support me. The journey has been long and sometimes so hard, both emotionally and physically, but I am able to feel the joy as well .Last night before I hit the stage I thought about how lucky I was to be able to go on for an hour and a half and say and do what I want. So many performers out there would love to have such a vehicle. In the past I would have seen it so differently. I would have been worried that more people didn’t come. Or why did I have to do it all by myself? But now I’m so proud that I’m doing it all by myself because I’m the only one who can do it. I’m completely in charge of myself, always. No one is coming to save me so I’ve saved myself. It feels so gratifying to be doing something with my life that means something.

I just got the nicest message on facebook. I know lots of people are afraid of it, but I’ve re connected with so many people. It’s proven to be the opposite for me. I have had made so many connections with people from the past. Most of them have helped me realize that even though I felt so bad inside growing up, it wasn’t necessarily how people experienced me. I always thought I never meant anything to anyone and I’m finding out that it’s the complete opposite. Even old boyfriends I would have told you that they all left me and could car less but I’m finding out that the opposite is true with them as well. And you know what? I’m able to feel it now. I am worth it people should miss me cause I put myself out there and I really, really do care and I have a tremendous capacity for forgiveness. I have decided that experience is the meaning of life. Sharing authentic moments with people is the most rewarding thing I can do. And also it’s great for my self esteem because it helps me realize that what’s in my head isn’t always what’s real but the only way I can find that out is if I put myself out there.

In February I put together a story telling event called Hope Trumps Fear. I hosted it and started the show off with a story about how I found out who I am through a tremendous amount of hard work. I think the line that got the biggest laugh was “being authentic is exhausting.” I didn’t mean it to be funny. I really, really meant it.

I used to stand on stage at comedy clubs doing my “act” and my insides would literally be pushing to come out.

It was the craziest feeling. I would be on stage getting huge laughs and my insides would be saying I don’t want to do this I want to just talk.

My whole stand up career I’ve been different. The first time I was on stage at my comedy class the teacher was amazed at my honesty.

But then it was as if my past just repeated itself through my show biz career. Others told me not to talk about certain things and that I should have more Jokes.

I listened and the result was my standing on a stage wrestling with myself.

I have had more people ask me why I haven’t done a half hour for comedy Central.

Last year I tried. I put together a half hour and the executives came out to see me.

They’re response was “Sue is hilarious, but we don’t know what to do with her energy.”

Ha hahahahaha that was the first time I hear it, and believed and was kinda proud of it.

I used to try to put myself in a box so that I could fit in.

I thought I was weird, or “too much” that’s what my Dad told me.

More on this tomorrow…………….

Be kind…. that’s what I would do if wasn’t afraid.  The thing that brings me the most joy in life is remaining kind under all circumstances. And yes it’s for other people, but it’s also for myself.

I find it a true test of love to be able to remain open and kind no matter how mean others can be.

That does not mean that I allow people to be nasty or unkind to me; it means that I try to use my courage to stand up to their nasty with gentleness. And sometimes gentleness can be mean being firm.

The only time I find myself not acting with a generous spirit is when I am scared. And the fear is that I will not have the courage to hold on to myself. That I will give in to the darkness.

By either shutting down completely, or acting out. When I have the courage to shwo up, and treat myself with kindness, it usually dictates how others treat me.

Sometimes I have to pause and wait for the emotions to die down, but then I show up and I continue the conversation. I show people that the light can win. I show them that they have kindness in them as well, because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t respond to mine.

I would continue to have the courage  to show my own kindness in order for others to see  theirs.

That is what I would do if I wasn’t afraid.

comments please…………

to continue about money… I find it interesting that everything good can be used as a weapon. Sex, love, money, words, God.  The only way it can’t be is if it comes from love.

And I know alot of people consider themselves loving people,and I can only speak from myself, but  alot of times when I thought I was being “loving” I was really being controlling.

I even think about the point I made in my last post about how I paid people not to beat me. Even that is controlling, or the illusion of control. Because lately I really am starting to believe that everything is and illusion.

Everything but love. LOVE is the only thing that is real and because love it truth if you really dig to get rid of anything that isn’t love only the truth will stick.

I’m amazed at how much I have tried to control the outcome of any situation. Weather it be “if I just had money I would feel better” or” if I just had a boyfriend” or “If I just got that job.”

LOL in all honesty, all, and I mean all, of my opinions were based on nothing. I literally think I made them up in my head and then pushed them so hard that I usually did get what I wanted, but it wasn’t what I needed.

I thought if I was rich, if I was this that, blah blah and, and, and, I had all that all of it, and adulation on top of it. And guess what? I  couldn’t feel any of it.

I had to strip away all of it, to get to the root of the problem. Just like an excavator, i dug and dug using different tools along the way, and when i got close to my core i only needed a slight brush.

And like with any treasure, the discovery usually brings money. And I’m ready for it, because it will all be used from a place of love.

Have you ever been around a cheap person? If you have, then you know that it does not feel good.  The level to which you really feel it, depends on how much you are in your body. And of course, how much $ runs your own life.

If you are full of fear, then you might hoard your money, if you are insecure and want people to like you, you might spend to much. If you are scared, you might  pay people off so you don’t have to set boundaries, by using your words which is how I have operated in the past. I guess its all a lack of boundaries giving too much and withholding. I had a friend who once told me that whenever I’m confused to follow the money.

I bet if everyone really looked at their money habits they would directly correlate with their personal relationships.

I think money needs to be respected, but the only way to have respect for money, is if you have respect for yourself.

Hmmm sounds heavy right. I know. I mean we need money to survive, but where are not supposed to base out survival on it.

Great ,now how do we do that? I’m not professing to be a money expert, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that for me, the closer I get to my authentic self the less the money seems to be an issue.

I am starting to realize my own value and that is manifesting it monetarily And because i know my likes and dilikes I’m not as swayed by keeping up with the jones’. That was all fear based. when i was a kid I wanted one nice thing for Christmas and my mother would buy me 10 shitty things. Now i buy myself one nice thing. The thought that i used to shop every day slays me. I hate shopping now!!! So it’ pretty obvious that that wasn’t who i was at my core (nature), it was something that I adapted from my nurture.

My whole life I have been terrified of money, so much that i used to pay a business manager 5% of my income just to pay my bills. And even then I banked in Florida while living in nyc!

Talk about neurotic…… the road less traveled says that often times the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have felt if we just faced our fears.

More on this tomorrow… in the meantime I’d love to hear your thoughts about your fear surrounding money….