Sue Costello - Minus 32 Million Words

This year I spent Christmas with my most favorite person in the whole wide world, me.

I went to breakfast in my PJ’s and took very good care of myself.  So much so that when I saw my friends last night they were like “Sue you look so well rested!”

I spent a lot of time thinking about how any action I take in my life should be life affirming, as opposed to life depleting.

I spent many many years shopping or going to boyfriend’s (who I never really loved) parents house. It would take me weeks to recover.

I would buy things for people instead of being authentically loving. I have found that sometimes it’s feels more exhausting to be authentically generous, but the truth is that it’s actually life affirming.

For me, when i first started doing it, it was like a muscle that I hadn’t used in a very long time. It took all my energy and usually I had to sleep for a while after I did it. But, eventually it became easier and almost second nature.

As opposed to the other way, which was like a dull pain and never added to my life, but slowly depleted  it.

Two stories come to mind as I write this. The first is the night of the finals of Last Comic Standing. We were in Las Vegas and the show had just finished. The show where Brett Butler freaked out because the whole show was fixed. It was awful. Everyone felt bad. I went to my hotel room and cried really really hard. I cried for like 20 minutes.  After that 20 minutes I stood up and felt energized and the first thought that came to me was, I had a boyfriend for 8 years who was practically a dead body just so I didn’t have to feel 20 minutes of acute pain.

The second story is about Laurence Fishburne. I did a movie with him way back when.  The day I wrapped he looked me in the eyes and said “Sue don’t ever stop doing what you’re doing, they just don’t get you yet.”

I remember walking away feeling both flattered and frustrated. I thought what does that mean? And how do i keep going if no one gets me and why doesn’t he help me?

Well after that day I sat down and began to write my show. 10 years later Laurence was on Broadway.  I went to his show. I was terrified to ask if I could see him after. And of course I had to go through 8 really condescending people.

I was already so scared that he wouldn’t remember me, so to fight through all these people made it even harder.

Well he poked his head out of his dressing room and said get in here Costello.

He hugged me so tight as I told him “if no one has ever told you that you changed their life you changed mine.”

He cried. My friend was with me and she said she almost stepped out the room because it was such and intimate moment.

I have his number in my phone now and he helps me when i need help.  He helps me find strength within myself to keep going.

So instead of looking for something from him I gave him something and in return he gives back.

How can something so easy be so hard?

I have always been amazed at the power of laughter, but lately it’s been hitting me in a way that it never has.

I have always loved the fact that I could spontaneously make a room full of people laugh. I mean, its so universal and guttural.

I’ve been able to make the grumpiest of people turn that frown around in a second.

When I was a kid, there was a guy at the Savin Hill train staition who worked the booth.

He looked so miserable, so, every time I went to take the train I would set my mind to make him smile.

He never would, until one day out of no where, it happened!  He smiled and I went to pay and he clicked the turnstyle and let me through.

I rememebr he let me ride for free from that day on. I was to young to make the connection between kindness and currency back then and as a teenager my anger caught up with me and I learned about sarcasim and began to use this power in a bad way.

It hurt others but mostly it hurt me. It was like a depleting life force.

There is something so powerful now, about the fact that I use my ability as a life giving force. I have control over it I don’t just react out fear and hurt others with it.

I remember sitting with and Italian chef who spoke only a tiny bit of English, and telling him stories about growing up and he was laughing uncontrollably.

I was facinated with the fact that the connection was deeper than words, it was an energy.

The only way I can describe it is, that I used to do it for attnetion, make people laugh I mean, but now I do it to make people feel good I want people to feel better, I want them to stop worrying, I want them to turn that frown upside down.

I do it as a life affirming and life giving, I have a child’s heart and grown woman’s self restraint.

I’m in Florida, heading home today! Needed a little break but I’m all re energized and I’ll be back to the blogging tomorrow! Also, If you’re in Boston New Year’s Eve, come see me at Tommy’s Comedy Lounge! 7:30 show!