Have you ever had to do something that you really didn't want to do, but you knew  if  you did it, it would make you feel better? Well, that's the struggle I went trough this morning. I had to show up for situation that I did not create.  The other person was playing low life games so I couldn't get a fair shake. I was put in a corner and my hand was forced.  I was grumpy because I felt like the truth was never going to prevail. Sometimes that low level sideways stuff feels so much stronger than the straight up truth. Well, that was only a feeling, because I have found that if I hold on to myself and show up with grace the truth will ALWAYS prevail.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I did, I got dressed and went. On the train I prayed and told myself that 99% of life is just showing up, and show up I did.  The situation turned out better than I could have imagined if I had gotten into the muck and tried to fix it myself.  I find that it's hard to have such strong feelings and not act on them.  But when I do, when I just stay still and take the next right action instead of trying to fix everything in a second, the results are magnificent.  I heard this guy last night talking about how if something is too rigid when pressure is put on it, it will break. But, if it's flexible not only will it bend ,but it will come back with double the force, a much more effective force than the initial pressure, a grace. He also talked about being in the eye of the needle, and that chaos can be going on around you but if you stay still, when the chaos  had calmed, you will not have been affected.   In the past, I would have been defensive, filled with fear and created more chaos. But this time,  I was the eye of the needle.  I was kind, respectful and assertive. It took no time at  all and I was on my way. No extra energy wasted.   I like to win. Because I am the second child I never allowed myself to admit that. The idea of coming in second was so tragic to me that I would rather be last or not play at all. I knew that I could not handle the disappointment if things didn't work out. But those are childish feelings.   As an adult, I’ve learned to allow myself to feel worthy of the feelings of desire.  If you have boundaries, even if mistakes are made, you can fix them if you show up and be flexible.  It's funny, because I'm starting to see that even if things don't work out the way I thought they would, they often times work out better if I get out of my own way.  If  I planned my life, I would be shortchanging myself.  I also learned that no matter what the circumstances, no matter how many times I feel that things are unfair all I have to do is keep showing up gracefully and things will work out.  And most imoportantly,  that I can win and win the right way.

 I came home and my old lady friend knocked on my door yelling" help!" I thought she was having a heart attack. She was like "My phone, I can't work my phone."  She scared the shit out of me. I was like" imagine if you gave me a heart attack?" and she laughed.  I don't know what it is with her and her phone but she has me checking them all the time. I don't know if it's because she is old and afraid to not have contact with the outside world; or, if it's that she wants a connection with me and to feel that I care. It doesn't matter, if that is what she needs I can give it to her.  Also, for days I've been walking past the florist looking at the flowers thinking that I want some flowers but I haven’t bought them for myself. I think it was because I was grumpy about this situation this morning.  Well, I got on the service elevator to do my laundry and the porter handed me a vase.  He said "do you want this?" I said "yes thank you" and now I am going to get out of my own way and walk my little booty over to the florist and get me some flowers because I'd rather be happy.