I'm back in NYC and I sat by myself today thinking about my trip to Boston. I was thinking about how proud I am of myself for going up there and expressing what I feel. I was thinking about how much I have changed since I moved away and how much that has helped me to see people as humans more than I ever have. That is because I see my own humanity. I see my own fears and doubts but the best thing that I have learned in my life is to sit still with all of these feelings. The end of my show is about controlling my impulses and feeling my feelings and having my bad thoughts but not letting them run my life. To be able to be in my body to see the good while protecting myself from the bad.
My whole experience in Boston was about holding onto myself and not reacting. I heard in a yoga class one time that even a star needs to pull in on itself to pulsate out.
I have never forgotten that. It makes so much sense. I always wrestle with being a loving person and having to see that people can be really mean. But I'm a loving person who had the capacity to be mean. Today I thought about how sometimes people can be mean one second and loving the next and sometimes at the same time.
Most people don't have control over their emotions. I found that when I tell someone kindly that their behavior is hurting me or not acceptable, most of the time they feel bad. Why?Because they can't stop themselves. They are so happy that I didn't tell them to fuck off.
I don't think anyone wants to be alone. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to show yourself, to remove the mask and protect yourself at the same time.
But to me that is intimacy. For a long time I thought I was supposed to make excuses for people. Oh they hurt so they are hurting. It wasn't until I realized that I was hurt that I was able to hold myself responsible and in turn hold others responsible.
Isolation is the number one killer in this country, so to all of you reading this, try to put yourself out there — even if you make a mistake. To risk ridicule is the scariest thing in the world. But I realize that sometimes people don't even mean it. They just had a bad thought and instead of pausing and letting it pass through their heart to feel if it's true, they blurt it out and then they can't take it back.
We all have secrets and we feel that if we ever told anyone, they would hate us, but I have found that the complete opposite is true.