I went to yoga this early morning. As I was practicing, Â I had a bout of sense memory. I remembered when I started practicing yoga every day. It was right after my boyfriend of 8 years moved out on me while I was away for the weekend. I didn't sleep for 5 days, but everyday I would go to yoga at 10am and move my body and cry. The teacher was really gentle and I was drawn to him. Â He never made a fuss, I'm sure he saw me crying. He just left me be, except for the occasional gentle touch of his hand.
I also remember getting a massage once a week. The same thing would happen, I would lie, face down, on the table and cry. The woman massaging me never said a word as I came back week after week and cried until I was all cried out.
I remember thinking, she is literally pushing the pain out of my body.
This break up was so intense because it was a bigger pain than just the break up, because I had made a conscious decision to change my nervous system. I decided with that one incident, that I wasn't going toÂ let it break my heart, that I was going to let it break my heart open.
I decided that I was going to have the courage to find love, I knew if I didn't, the same thing would keep happening: the drama of the break up, the pretending to be a victim instead of a volunteer.
I remember being somewhere and crying so hard that I couldn't even conceal it. The tears were gushing out of me. A stranger grabbed my hand and held it and I held hers.
I remember looking down at our hands and thinking oh my gosh, I'm changing, I would never have allowed this kindness in before.
As I practiced today, I thought about all the people that loved me through that pain. The people that talked on the phone with me for hours and all the rest.
I don't remember the pain of the break up, nor do I remember the pain of my re-birth. Â They say you can't, otherwise you would never do it again.
What I do remember is the love that I received. They say that only love is truth, and the rest is false. If you stick with finding your heart, which is the truth which is you, all the rest will slip away. Â Why? Because it not real.