That's the Gandhi quote that a lot of people sign their emails with now a days. But, what does it really mean?   How deep does it go? I find for myself, that the only thing I can control in my life is myself.... I just finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird and I fell in love with Atticus. He tells Jem at one point, "people are entitled to full respect for their opinions, but before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience." I wish I could right a sound that expresses what that makes me feel. That line people are entitled, I used to twist that Gandhi quote to hide my control and co dependency. I wanted "people" to be entitled, I wanted "people" to see what they could do with their lives, I wanted" people" to be able to feel love. I did it under the guise of caring about people, but what I really wanted was,to change the world so that I could feel more comfortable. Well, for anyone out there who has control issues you know where that got me. They say a control freak will control themselves right out of a life. What I find that quote to mean now is, simply, to become human. To kill the ego and reveal myself as I truly am. I.. need to feel love, I.. want to feel entitled. Then and only then, will I be the change I want to see in the world.  There was another line where Atticus says, I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." "Mrs.Dubose won, all 98 ponds of her, she died beholden to nothing and nobody. She was the bravest person I've ever knew." That inspires me beyond belief. I don't know why, I can't explain it but having courage has been something I have aspired to my entire life. I want to try, so many times, for the one time I can win inside.  I have always seen the truth but I felt crazy because people would tell me I was. I wasn't strong enough inside to just be me. But, lately I have been doing yoga and taking such good care of myself; doing my show and it's making me so strong. There is a line in my show now about this guy I dated in LA who dumped me out of no where.( he was going through a really hard time) I had to go back to LA a few weeks later to shoot a TV show. The TV show was shot a block away from his house. When I got there, I prayed the entire time. I just asked God to be with me, to let me hold on to myself, to have the courage to not create drama, (sabotage myself) and just take care of myself. Well, as I sat in the make up chair I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't try to take care of everyone to avoid my feelings, I just sat quietly. At one point a guy came up to me and said "sue Costello?" and I said "yes" he said "I'm so and so, I was one of the camera guys on you sitcom ( i braced myself)  and thank you for treating us with so much respect." :) Then this girl  came up and said "oh your sue Costello, so and so (the bf that moved out on me) talks about you all the time."  I was shocked by both things, but I held on to myself I didn't let my ego get to big or let me get mad, I just prayed and walked on the stage and KILLED.... (Pink was in the audience and her band member told me later,  that she was doing my backwards quotes all week.)  When I was leaving the owner of the club was standing with all the production guys and they all clapped. The club owner said "isn't she great ? she's the best when she trusts her gut." Then later that year I was dating this guy and without getting to graphic, I did something very sexy and he said "sue how do you know how to do that?" and I said "I don't know I just felt it in my gut." and he said "do me a favor? always do what's in your gut."  The point of this whole thing is that it's been and excruciating journey to find my gut, to trust it and to stick to it but as you can see the benefits are beyond comprehension. Its hard sometimes to separate what's my gut and what's my crazy but I find if I just sit still and put a pause between any situation and clean my side of the street only the truth will live. I used to think I needed to get other people to see my truth so then I could feel safe. I'm amazed, I used to cry and manipulate or be angry to try to get people to see me. Are you my mommy? and then they would be like, I thought you were supposed to be the mommy and nothing every got done. Now when I want people to see me I look in my gut and show up as a person. I mean think about it, if you have nothing inside you are see through. Like that song Cellophane Man  from Chicago. Both those guys I mentioned came and went, but both of them treated me with respect eventually. and they both helped to bring something nice into my life, and they taught me something about myself. Isn't that a much more beautiful way to go through life? Even the boyfriend who moved out on me. Instead of breaking my heart, he broke my heart open. My friend told me recently that she loves  how pure I am, that I have a very childlike way about me and the craziest part of that is ... the only way I became childlike was to grow up.