So the other day I was going to look at theater for "I Wasn't Trying To be Funny" and walked passed a coffee shop that my friend owns. I was torn. "should go in and say hi, do I have time?" As I approached the window, i saw another guy I knew who waved and thought I'm definitely going in. I walked in gave him a hug and he introduced me to his friend as "Sue Costello the girl with the filthy mouth" I said "oh no I don't have a filthy mouth, why do guys say that about me? Is is because you want me to have filthy mouth?" To which he responded "I'm sorry Sue is amazingly talented and has an awesome one woman show" His friend asked "Are you naked in it?" My friends face turned beet red and he said "C'mon even I didn't go there" I exited gracefully.
As was on the train on my way to look at the theater, which by the way is an emotional exercise in and of itself. Negotiating with these theaters is painful. (more on that later) I was amazed how many emotions ran through me. I was sad that that was the reality that I faced everyday. Sad that I went into a situation open and loving and was objectified even after my talent was expressed. Then the worse happened. I started to blame myself. I said "sue u shouldn't have stopped if you didn't stop that wouldn't have happened. " Thank God I caught myself. It was not my fault, I did nothing wrong. The guys exhibited bad behavior and my friends red face was proof of who should be embarrassed. Blaming myself was a sick way to give myself some sense of power. A power that actually hurt me more that what had actually happened. It would have hardened me and taken me away from the femininity I strive to maintain.
I decided to stick with the sad feelings and be in acceptance that this is what happens on a daily basis to me as a woman living openly on this earth.
I also had to cover it up, so that I was not an open wound, when I walked into the theater space. Because if I was, I may have allowed myself to be taken advantage of financially. I love being a woman, I don't always love the work it takes to maintain the power that comes with being a woman.