What I find most fascinating about abuse is, that there really are no victims, only volunteers. except when it comes to children. When you are small you have no recourse. But once you are an adult you can change so if you don't then what is that called? Playing the victim is a familiar way for people who were abused to go through life. But the truth is, there is a way out.
I seems that there is an unspoken agreement that goes on between the abused and the abuser.
I mean really, the therapist I wrote about yesterday now specializes in helping people who want to have the same surgery that she had.
Which just means that she just found a whole different group with vulnerabilities to pray on.
But they have to be willing. You see they want an easy way out as well. So, if they go to her, ( a therapist) Â then they can validate that it's ok to have a tube stuck in your stomach to control you life through your food.
I am speaking of myself as well. I went to a huge overweight person to take care of me. Yes she abused me, but I must haveÂ Â liked it on some level. And by that I don't mean that I am blaming myself. Abuse is NEVER ok and the one with the power should be the responsible one.
That being said, Â asI look back on the abusive relationships that I have been in and if I am really honest, I can admit that I was hiding my own aggression. I would get close to someone who was "worse than me" if you will, and they would act out the aggression I had inside towards myself and the world.
Then I could play the victim. Guys do it with girls as well. They seek "crazy" girls so they can eventually walk away and blame her on their inability to have a true connection. And the deeper truth is that Â act in a way they make the girls crazy.
We all have a little crazy in us. And if you embrace it instead of hiding it in shame or dumping it on others, if you really hold on to it and own it you will be free. There will be no vulnerability to be manipulated.
I 'm not scared of my aggression anymore. You see the abusers are, that's why they get so mad when i have it. Because they are so busy defending against their own, pretending to be a "good person," that they can't tolerate it anyone else.
Well I have it all in me. Hate, jealousy, guilt shame, judgement, the difference is I make a choice everyday not to live in that lower self.
I let it all run it's course inside my body. I process it and then let what Iwant to come out, come out. And sometimes I choose very consciously to send that aggression straight at someone. Â In a healthy way.
Because I am aware of it and embrace it, I can use it to my benefit. In the past because I was repressing it it would come out sideways and my life would be a mess. All while I would cry and say "why is life like this? I'm a good person."
I don't care about being a "good person" anymore. I care about being authentic. I remember when my boyfriend moved out on me after 8 years while i was away for the weekend then tried to ruin my business and I stuck up for myself,my southern friend said "sue your acting like a scorned woman." LOL I was like "I am a scorned woman!"
I grew up in the inner streets on Boston, that built a strength inside me that no education could ever replace.
Anthony Hopkins said something like this Â about his acting, we have it all in us, homicide, suicide, all of it it's the great actor that can show it all.