I was so afraid of how rough I was growing up that I somehow thought that if I moved and pretended, then I could be someone else. I let go of my suit of armor and there was a jelly fish underneath.
I was so filled with fear and I had no ability to function without my old ways.
But just like they say, the unhealthy things you use to survive, ususally turn on you as and adult. So they had to go. Offering someone out, which is how we asked someone to fight growing up, didn't work in the rest of the world.
Lately, I have really been having some deepÂ revelationsÂ about myself.
I amÂ rememberingÂ things that people have said to me over the years and how I always took them as bad, instead of good. I had so much shame inside about who I was authentically, that that is how I saw the world.
I let go of all of my toughness because I never wanted to be a "bitch," but I'm realizing that if I take my street smarts and mix it with what I've learned as a person there is nothing I can't do.
It just boils down to respect. I need to have self respect, then I can have it for others.
This guy posted something filthy on my face book wall this morning and I deleted and posted on his wall "be nice."
We ended up having a really nice exchange. Â He said I thought you were "blue" so it was ok. Which is a defense. There is no excuse, but rather than say that, I just showed up with kindness. I said I promote funny and kindness and if you really look at what I do, I do touch on sexuality but I do it in a classy way. He was projecting his own "Blue ness" on me.
He responded thank you so much for talking to me and not calling me a jerk. I said "calling you a jerk would not be promoting kindness."
It hit me as I was standing in the kitchen, IÂ rememberÂ my therapist saying to me years ago, Sue people are happy that you treat them with respect, because most people just call them anÂ ass wholeÂ and walk away.
The reason I don't do that is because I have compassion. There were many times in the past where I talked poorly about someone, not because I really meant it , but because a bunch of people were doing it and I wanted to fit in.
Well when that person found out about it and confronted me, I felt terrible because I didn't even mean it.
I have learned my lesson.
I used my inner street cred to show up with kindness. Who knew that would take more courage than being in a street fight?
I am amazed at how much closer it brings me to people.
I have always loved people but was so ashamed that I was who I was, Â I became like others to fit in. Which is a gang mentality.
No more. I just remembered when I auditioned to do a half hour comedy special for Comedy Central and their response was "we don't know what to do with her energy"
I was so hurt at the time, but now I get it, my humor is not mean, I'm very proud of that and if it takes me a little longer to get people to see it so be it.
I'll start with one email at a time.