OK, so I went to Boston last month to do my show Minus 32 Million Words and before I went, I had the thought, How am I going to hold onto my sexy? I've spent many years working on my body and myself. I am amazed at how much repression I grew up with. How much I thought feeling sexy was a shameful thing. Also, how for a long time I thought "hot" meant aggressive. It took me years to unwind it all. I had to dig out all the feelings that I had repressed. I mean, I had to change my entire nervous system. I remember being in therapy during a really stressful time. I was having horrible problems with my building. There was also a hot guy in the picture at the time. I remember the subject of sex came up and I said to my therapist, I can't have sex with him now, I might get evicted. Her response was, "Seems like no better time."
At first I thought she was crazy. How could I have pleasure while I had this thing going on that made me feel like a bad person? (I was internalizing my apt problems.)
Well, years later I realized that outside circumstances do not dictate whether or not I feel like a good person. How I handle them does.
I realize now what she was trying to say. She wasn't necessarily saying go have sex with this guy. She was just trying to help me see my hang ups.
It's not the sex that I have that makes me feel better; it's how I handle myself when I want to have sex that does.
So this all worked in theory, but I was about to go back to the place where the repression began. It was time to see if I could put this all into action.
I found a black and white photo of a Parisian Lingerie ad. It was just a woman's butt with lacy boy shorts draped over it. I bought it and had it framed. The guy behind the counter was so happy when I went back to pick it up. Obviously he liked my choice.
So off to Boston I go and as my friend and I are unloading the car she pulls out the picture and shows it to the doormen and the vallet.
For the next three weeks that picture sat on the mantle of my hotel room as my inspiration.
As I spent time in Boston I saw lots of guys, many that I had dated in the past or at least flirted with. One was a Boston Police officer. I saw him outside of a wake. He came up and rubbed my arms up and down and told me how great I looked.
Sounds innocent enough, but the rubbing up and down did strike me.
Then as I was standing inside the wake, another guy that I knew from growing up came up to me as said "God Sue, you look so hot,” and then proceeded to say something really sexual and without boundaries. So I left.
As I was walking back into the hotel one of the guys at the door mentioned my picture, and I said to him, “I think I figured out what it is with some of the Boston guys: it's like they are so repressed sexually that it comes out as deviant." He responded, "You're hanging around with the wrong guys."
I thought about this the whole time that I was in Boston. I thought about how we had been taught to shut off the part of us that was given to us naturally.
Then I starting thinking that since I had the info, I was the responsible one. I should share it, but not through words because that would look like judgment. I can't tell people what's going on; it's way more generous to show them. I thought I should share it through action.
So the day before I left, I took that picture down from my mantle, signed it to the boys at the hotel and brought it down to them to put in their break room.
Needless to say THEY LOVED IT!
The next day, while moving my stuff out, the same guy who said I was hanging around with the wrong guys said, "Sue, that picture changed me as a person."
Every single guy from that hotel picked up one of my bags and put it in the car for me.
The one who said that the picture changed him looked genuinely sad that I was leaving — so much so that he kinda hid in the corner.
I yelled to him “Don't be sad," and he came over, took his hat off, leaned into the car and kissed my cheek :)