While having dinner with my friends on Sat night one of my girlfriends was telling a story about how she is really trying to work on herself and make her life simpler. She was saying that she used to go on dates and do this thing with guys, where she would be so witty that it would trigger competition inside of them to be witty back. She said it was exhausting.  She was saying that she wants to learn how to not do that because she doesn't want competition, she just really wants a hamburger. That is such a simple statement but it's such a complicated journey to get there. Last night, I saw a commercial that said the simpler things get the thinner they get. And I thought wow that makes sense. In our country obesity is killing everyone, even our kids. I thought about how there is such a connection to weight being a result of not expressing ourselves. There is also something to be said about weight being like armor; a way to hide in public. Because think about it, if you are totally without that extra baggage your are vulnerable to people seeing you and being attracted to you.   You would need to be in your body and learn the boundaries it takes to protect yourself which seems exhausting. The weight seems like an unspoken, easier way to tell someone to stay away from you. But, like I said yesterday, its danger disguised as safety. Never mind vanity, I'm speaking purely form a health stand point. But there is also something to be said about what being in shape (i don't mean skinny) does for your sex life.  There are proven facts that sex helps you stay healthy.

I went to the Moma this weekend and while I was there, I just felt what my body felt like while I was there. I was so relaxed just standing there amongst the art. There were exhibits about poop and penis's and castration and sex symbols. Just people letting it all hang out there.  It reminded me of when Christo and Jean Claude put up the gates in Central Park. I didn't get it. I told an artist friend of mine. And she explained to me that I could walk back through them and feel how my body feels. I did and it was amazing. Then I started to want more. I went to Richard Serra exhibit. There were a bunch of mazes. Some were big and towered over me; I felt scared and very small, almost claustrophobic.  Then there were a few that were really small and as I walked through them I felt so big and powerful. This idea of how your body feels amongst certain situations is so intriguing to me. I mean even when it comes to sex. You could be with someone so hot, but if your shut down inside you can't feel it. They say when you are really in love the sex is amazing. Yeah, but it still has to come from inside. This idea that another person makes us complete seems like a nice idea, but for me the danger disguised as safety comes up again. No other person can make you feel anything. It takes your brain and your body to really feel everything. There is something so erotic about being able to feel such feelings even when you are by yourself.  For me that is spirituality. and for me spirituality is your gut. It's what you feel.

It's not black or white, it's not all hamburgers or none. I have a friend who said she wasn't going to have sex with a guy for three months. She's 40. That's weird to me. Also, very withholding. People think if they can do this one thing, it will keep them from being hurt. It's not true, sex or no sex doesn't do alot accept block your pleasure. Why block your own pleasure to protect yourself from someone else?  I mean, there is a thing called sexual anorexia. It's boundaries, that's what helps you hold on to yourself.  And if someone isn't respecting you, you can remove yourself and the sex goes with that. and, if it was good sex then that's even better. That seems way more powerful than dry humping for three months.

I saw a friend of mine the other day who is 9 months pregnant. She said people always touch her belly. I said it's to bad people don't know to ask first. Her immediate  response was "what am I going to say no?" UMMM Yes...  I told her she could kindly say" not right now" or" I've been touched a lot today" or "Im not feeling so well."  She looked shocked and relieved that there was another option.  She literally told me that her belly has dropped and people reached down almost to her private parts to touch her belly. It reminds me of my friends daughter who said "it's my body and I decide what goes on with it." She was six. Her feelings have not buried her alive yet. She knows what it feels like to be in her body. Just like my other friends daughter that used to masturbate in her car seat. So cute.......  They know how to ask for a hamburger.  But, over the years our needs are not met, so we figure out convoluted ways to try to get what we need. Those  things we used to survive worked when we were little, but somewhere along the way they turn on us and they become the reason for our own demise.