It's called dristy in yoga.... you are supposed to keep your eyes open the whole time, but open, in a soft gaze.  Also, the word vinyasa means to integrate.  Transmutation-change your DNA- your nervous system. That's what I heard when I first started doing yoga. I wasn't conscious of of that fact that I wanted this when I began my yoga practice almost 10 years ago. But, just like life; bring the body and the mind will follow.  There are 3 levels of consciousness, mind, ego, pure intelligence.  I was a big shopper when I started doing yoga. I remember having thoughts at the time about how I was ever going to stop. I wanted to but i couldn't. I had so much stuff that I couldn't possibly wear it all. Growing up and to this day, my mother shops, and returns and shops and returns. Always at mark down places like TJ Max and Marshalls. She was always looking for something, to get over to get something for less, to beat the system. A convoluted was to get what she needed that never worked. I took on that quality in spite of what I wanted inside. I remember being a child and asking a my mother to please just get me one nice thing for Christmas.  She didn't, she got me a bunch of shit. Because it wasn't about what I wanted, it was about what she wanted or more about what she needed so deparately inside that no bargain was ever going to fill.  So, I learned to just give into her. My needs weren't met, so, I figured out  a convoluted way to get them, I became her. But as  mentioned yesterday, those survival techniques turn on you as an adult. When I first made money, I made a lot in very short time. It was so overwhelming. I didn't know how to spend it. I had lived in deprivation for so long. So like a pendulum, everything that swings one way, will swing the other eventually if you put too much pressure on it. My Mom used to tell us that we didn't belong in fancy stores growing up So, as soon as I had money I wanted desperately to show her that we did belong. Also, I was shocked at how the value of buying something nice. It made much more sense than buying ten shitty things, because it lasted and it was way less time consuming, which left me time to be more creative.  I remember sitting in Amhereins, a restaurant in South Boston with my family. I had on a Giorgio Armani sweater. My mother would not stop going on about it, how expensive it was blah blah. So that Christmas,  I bought her an expensive cashmere sweater set. I thought in my "ego" that I was showing her that we did belong. Guess what? she returned it for 10 shitty things. I realize now, that what I was doing was trying to stop her from being jealous, and to get her to agree with my way of thinking to fill that void. Well my first yoga class the teacher said if you practice yoga, eventually you will not have a need for material things. I was like yeah right.  It's crazy if I walk in to a store now, it literally hurts my nervous system. All I can think is; addicted to the intensity of a bad feeling. Danger disguised as safety. It must have hurt back in the day as well. That yoga teacher was right, it worked. But like everything, nothing is black or white.  So, with my mind, I was able to integrate that  part of my shopping was a way of me trying to not be my past. Almost like  a costume, to pretend that I didn't come from where I do. Then there is the good part of buying those nice clothes; I bought things that I liked,  I still have them, they are still beautiful and I don't need a lot.  I still like nice things, but they don't make me who I am. So, essentially I wear my clothes like I wear life, like a lose garment.
Now to my past. I am going back to Boston to work in a couple of weeks and every single person that I've even been near is coming. It's been so interesting to go back in and re work what I thought was. I think ONE person said something bad about my sitcom and it crippled me. I am so excited that I have practiced my yoga and put down the shopping, so that I have had time to be creative.  To take time to see inside myself.  I'm proud that I reached in  and found the courage  to go back and see that it wasn't so bad. It was just how I felt. It's a coward who stays in the fight, but a warrior who looks for the love. And love is the only truth.  I mean they wouldn't be coming if I they didn't want to? Right? They are all coming to support me and in turn, I will tear it up! Just show them love and how much I appreciate them." Bernard Shaw said it best,"make em laugh and slip it in when they are not looking"  One of the girls that I went to high school with was like "we're so excited and we remember you so fondly." And another girl from my neighborhood was like "Sue I remember the jokes you told over the years and they still make me feel good."  God, being part of the gang was so important to me. I wanted to be just like everyone else and for years I wanted everyone to see me.  I was trying to force it on them, and we all know what happens when you force someone, they rebel and shut down even if what you are saying has truth to it. All I had to do was see myself.  Now I do it through my art. I do what is comfortable for me. And in turn, people see it.  Now I am free to go home and be amongst people that are a huge part of shaping who I am. That's what they teach you in yoga. The community should strengthen the individual. And in yoga, we start in child's pose(birth) and end in shavasana. (corpse pose. )  Just like life, a bunch of births and deaths. I'm ready to let go of the Sue who saw the world through the eyes of her wound.  With death comes sadness. In order to let go,  I need to see that  have been experiencing the world for 40 years thinking something that had nothing to do with who was as a person, or how people saw me. But the bright side, the rebirth, that I don't have to live the nest 40 like that. Now that's pure intelligence.