When I first started to learn about art, I saw an Ed Hopper exhibit and all the wall there was a description. The description said, that Ed Hopper did not need a lot on the outside because he had a lot going on on the inside.
I remember standing there thinking, what does that mean? I was frozen. It was like everything i had learned was being turned on it's head in that one moment. MY whole life was built on trying to feel safe and stuff and people were the only ways I could find to do that.
I always believed in God I guess, well not really, i believed in God as long as I thought i was had some control Â I never allowed my self to fully surrender, to fully give in and see what happened.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't have glimpses of knowing thaI hadÂ something inside me that wasn't of my own making.
I remember reading A Return to love by Marianne Williamson, she talked about how God can't come straight down because it would too powerful, and scare us.
I definitely associate talent with God and love, I think we all have it, in one form or another. Â But to let it flow freely through us is so intense.
I used to be afraid to talk like this for fear of the nasty backlash. But now I don't care, i would rather talk like this than be ugly. I also realize that the attacks are just them attacking that within themselves that they know is in there but are afraid to have it stirred because it might take a little work to get to it. So it seems like the easier thing to do is to try to make me stop saying it.
But once it is achieved, you don't need anything on the outside to comfort you. You can reach down and pull it out anytime.
Kristen Johnston invited me to her vacation home after seeing Â me perform once. I asked her why she let me come because she didn't even know me. I said I could be crazy. She responded with anyone with that much talent can't be crazy.
I was shocked that she could see in me something in me that I hadn't completely seen in myself. Â She also asked me why I left my neighborhood. I said, " because I've always wanted grow, I would have left any neighborhood. She responded, "you knew you had talent."
Maybe I did, on an unconscious level. I have always searched for something more in my life. Â I have always wanted to express myself. Thats' all I've ever wanted yet I found myself buried by all this stuff. Â There were many times that I stood on stage, and I could feel that I wasn't being myself. I would feel like i wanted to stop the bullshit and just talk.
It wasn't until all my stuff was taken away that I found my own worth. I had to let go, I Â wanted to let go, I wanted to face everything and see what would happen. I wanted to work so hard that it felt like I might die. I wanted my insides to shake so much that i wanted to take back my control and not do it. I wanted to reach past all the things and get to the insides so that just in case I live until I'm a hundred i will have a safe place to live.
Inside my own skin.
I feel like I have disciplined myself enough to keep myself from self sabotage, and disciplined myself enough to feel joy.
I look forward to continuing my journey because nothing is ever still, Â I saw a billionaire on MSMBC say that he didn't believe in status qo, because anything that isn't growing is dying.