The first thing I do when I wake up is meditate, then I make my coffee, then I pull up my blog. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to write, but I do it anyway and eventually something comes to me.

Lately, I have been fascinated with this idea of being seen. The idea of putting myself out there so people can see me, instead of hiding and being angry that no one gets

It brings to mind a joke that I always wanted to do. It came about when some girl was trying to give me dating advice.

She told me all these rules. i'e ,if a guy calls you after a certain time don't answer, blah blah blah. The whole motive behind her tips was to play hard to get.

I wanted to do a joke about me sitting on my couch on a sat night ALONE saying "oh yeah I'm showing  them, I"m so hard to get!"

AHHHHH and I just turned on the radio and Janice Joplin's signing "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose!!" See if I show up and the dive intervention will follow.

I dunno, i'm just amazed that the level of fear that comes up when I put myself out there. And that song rings so true for me. I mean what the hell do I have to loose?

And the truth is, I get everything I've ever wanted when I do it. Which backs up my theory that I have an aversion to pleasure. I mean it's really crazy, I could see if I was getting negative attention then it would make sense but being afraid of being happy is to hard for me to wrap my brain around.

I mean what if I got everything I ever wanted? And by that I mean internally, what if I healed to the point that I could handle whatever comes my way. My whole identity has been I'm the girl who got f*cked over by life.

Now who will  be?

I"m not sure, but I got nothing left to lose and I want to be free so I'm to feel the fear and do it anyway....