Archive for April, 2008

a hostage to ego or a host to spirit?

I watched real sports on HBO the other night. There was a story about a black guy (I don’t remember his name) who was a great basketball player in high school and had all the colleges in the country after him. But before he could get there, he made a mistake and ended up in jail  7 years later one of those coaches from one of those colleges came a lookin. ( he happened to be white) He looked over the inmates record and realized that he was up for parole two years earlier so, essentially he was serving time he didn’t need to.  They got a lawyer and the man was released. But before he could go to back to the Midwest town to play basketball the coach had to put his life on the line as collateral. If the ex inmate committed any criminal activity the coach would be run out of town. As it turns out there was never any criminal activity and the guy was thought to be drafted by the NBA. He wasn’t, and it was a direct result of his record. He ended up playing basketball over seas, made tons of money, saw the world and bought the company that his mother used to work for, who is now running it. When Brian Gumble asked him what was better playing int he USA or Paris France he did not hesitate “Paris France” he replied with a huge smile.  I was in tears at this point barely able to see the TV screen through my tear soaked eye glasses. Then to top it off the guy donates shoes to the team every year and he is going back to college to get a degree so he can become a social worker.

I was so moved at this guys lack of ego. I can’t even say if i myself wouldn’t have been trapped by my own regret of never making it to the NBA. But then i realized that those resentments are just invisible bars. If he made it to the NBA he might never have even left the country. He has seen the world and developed a loving relationship with another human being, who happens to be of another race. He made a mistake but it didn’t ruin his life because he chose to be a host to the spirit instead of a hostage to the ego and now, he can pay it it forward.


Hey Lady!!!

Please please go and see Baby Mama!!!! It is hilarious. Tina fey is the Billy Jean King of comedy. I love her. I bow in gratitude. I sat in a theatre in NYC on sat night and was breathless as I looked at the packed house. People were fighting to find seats. How many movie execs are eating their words this Monday morning? I thought how many of them must have said “two funny women can’t sell out a theatre.” The ticket is, Tina’s writing. I have heard so many women over the years talk about how there were no good roles for women and  thought that was feeding into the victimization, why doesn’t someone write something for themselves? Tina has done it.  You cannot deny Tina because she has product.  i remember right after my sitcom got canceled )which i co created) i went to a women in comedy seminar and they were dancing around the sexism issue. My show was the first time i had ever really experienced sexism.  Mind you, i was the only woman in the room who had their own sitcom so you think they might want to hear what i had to say. I stood up and and said we need to admit there is a problem, and then we can figure out how to deal with it. I really was taken by the men and their aggression towardsmy success.  I said i think woman are socialized to retreat when they are yelled and guys are taught to fight back. How can we figure out a way to fight back without letting the industry turn us into men.  And the three woman running the seminar screamed bloody murder at me and what did I do? I retreated. But not now, now i am inspired, Tina showed me that it’s possible, to be pretty funny and smart and remain a woman. You know how you do it? You write and you put it out there, that’s how you stand up to it, with success. You don’t let the dark pull you down one review said “its no Knocked up” a movie that its lead said was sexist. Whatevs we do what we want you can’t argue with success.  So,  I am putting on my apple bottom jeans and my boots with the fur, writing myself some shizzle and going  to live out loud.


polygamy and the pope

Sorry it has taken me days to get up the guts to post this and i wanted to make sure i was not totally emotional and clear because i respect that people out there hold some of their beliefs to a very strong standard.   Last night i was not a happy camper watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. First up was the story of the polygamy case in Texas. Hundreds of kids were taken from their homes because of child abuse. First it was thought to be only sexual abuse but now they are finding out that it was physical as well. Of course there is abuse going on,  it is a cult and a cult is a breeding ground for abuse.  In  cult  you are not allowed to question the ideology of the leader and if you do, all the others will oppress you.  And then came  the story of the Pope visiting the  people who had been sexually abused in Boston to apologize. The three people that were on CNN seemed to me to be taken by the fact that the Pope  (his holiness) visiting them and  that apologizing was unprecedented. UMMMM priests sexually abusing kids was unprecedented.  They seemed to feel like this somehow made them special. I’m sure that’s what the women of the poligamist men feel as well.   When you are abused your self esteem is totally diminished you don’t even know how to stick up for yourself and you have a twisted relationship with those who have abused you.  Abusers are the most manipulative creatures on Earth. They get you to feel bad for them and there is an unspoken law that they can abuse you and you cant’ tell anyone. and when it comes to sex abuse they make you feel special.   The Pope was at the UN today talking about human rights. It is a basic human right to feel safe.   He said the the global community has to step in and stop the abuse of human rights Th Pope said at the UN that tolerance means engaging human differences.  Ok, then why can’t the suvivors reapectfully be mad? Why can’t they respectfully demand that the Pope take out every single last offender that still has anything to do with he catholic Church You want me to believe you? he needs to come over to Boston and meet with those survivors without all the pomp and circumstance.He arrived at the UN and walked a red carpet like a celebity, Its the age old “shiny object make them look over here so they won’t see over here.” He’s a human being just like all of us.  He only went up to Boston because the survivors are making such a big stink everywhere he had to do something.  He is not addressing it, he’s just admitting that it happened because he had to. I believe that he thinks he’s doing the right thing because that is the history of abuse an oppression?   Until someone apologizes with and action, a re occuring action, nothing will change. Even if he had nothing to so with it he is Pope. He has the power to really change things. And yes I expect that of him. I expect him to put himself out there and face controversy that is where the healing will really begin.   I respectfully have to say that i do not buy the fact that the Pope’s apology is going to do anything. Nor do I believe that going into the polygamy compound and taking all the kids is going to do anything to stop the abuse. Its going to actually cause more problems because those kids are not going to get the care they need because of the abusive foster care system. So that will leave us with more crime and unhappiness in the world.  The abused becomes the abuser and so on so on. real change when people stop acitng all powerful and start seeing people as human. ANd for God’s sake jsut let the preists have sex.


Walking the talk

Obama part deux: Okay i have so much to say i hope it makes sense. I’m going to break it down. What i was trying to say yesterday was that I think Obama  should just apologize: He should not try to defend what he was “trying to say” and he should apologize for what he said. “Your actions are so loud I can’t hear what you’re saying.” And if he really wants to touch them where they cling then he should repent, he should realize his humanity and show it to all. Even if he didn’t mean what he said, deal with the reality of what went on, he forgot where he came form for a second. If he admits his humanity they will feel respected and forgive him, then he takes the power from Clinton. You see, people can only get you when you havea wound to attack a weakness that they can exploit. In my humble opinion if he really isn’t an elitist the way to be with the people is to act like one.  He should break the tension by respecting how much it bothered them. Its only the ego that blocks someone from being able to see another.  And how many people have we seen take themselves down because of their own ego. All everybody in this world wants is to be seen, heard and respected. Think about how this takes affect in personal relationships. This reminds me of my favorite episode of Sex and the city. Carrie had just moved in with Aidan  and she  came home from work freaking out, she yelled (i paraphrase) I can’t take it,. your always here i need some space when i come home from work. I need at least an hour by myself. He looked up from his book and said “o.k” and she went into her little bedroom pulled the curtains closed and lied on the bed for a about two minutes. Then she came out and sat in his lap. All she needed to know was that he saw her. And, and, and, my favorite story of all time is , my friend had gone out with this guy  for years and he always wanted to get married and she was too scared. As she approached 40 she thought she should get married so they did. On their wedding night she was freaking out (I paraphrase) “i can’t wear this ring it’s making me feel trapped!” and her fiance said “put it in your pocket.’ I LOVE IT he didn’t say “how could you do this on our wedding night?” He knew it was her fear, he didn’t make it about him. It is the responsibility of the person in power to lead by example.The emotions behind what Obama said and the emotions of the white working class in Philly definitely clashed and if he wants to be a leader,and he needs them in order to accomplish that, he should show them some respect. He should follow the words of the great Dr. King. “If there are five steps between you and another you should take 3.”


Everybody’s an elitest

I cannot believe how much emotion plays in the way we live our lives today. Emotions that play out in some of the most important decisions we need to make for the continuing survival of this planet. I watched Obama and Hilary during their compassion forum on CNN Sunday night and then watched my boyfriend Charlie Rose last night. The topic of discussion was Obama’s comments on The white Working class in Philadelphia. I paraphrase, but he said something about them being bitter and clinging to their religion. I purposely left out the rest because it seems the line “cling to their religion” is the one that the Blue collars are clinging to.  Funny they don’t mind bitter. Clinton is calling him and elitist and saying the she and john McCain are the only people in the race that care about the “real concerns of the poor.” There are many problems with that statement, the first being that Clinton and her husband are rich a hundred times over and McCain is Married to a very wealthy woman. Obama on the other hand, was raised by a single mom. Hmmmm….. His $ has come his supporters; even the smallest donations have made it possible for him to campaign instead of spending his time raising money. Hilary took a chunk of her own money and put it into her campaign.  Maybe Obama slipped up, maybe he forgot where he came from I mean after all the word poor has such a negative connotation. Which brings me to the the second problem with that statement which is that the white working class do not consider themselves poor, nobody wants to be called poor. Obama left himself open to the attack because he strayed away from his center.   And Hilary keeps referring to the “poor” which is essentially being an elitist herself.  So everybody is just reacting and defending rather than owning the truth and dealing with it in an honest way.  The blue collars defend against Obama saying clinging to religion instead of looking at the facts. Which actually proves his point even further. I dont’ know who said it, but the term was Religion is the opiate for the masses. I am blue collar and i personally suffer from the same problem that is maifesting here. I have meany times heard many many words that could have helped but only hung on to the one that was negative and in turn made a deciison about a person that had nothing to do with reality. And in turn hurt myslelf. It’s verry complicated because first of all there is such a negative connotation to the word poor, and it hits people emotioanlly and as I watch Hilary talk abouthow we need to help the poor my insides scream How???? we can’t solve a problem until everyboyd gets off thier high horse and tries to really change things…….. We are taught when we are children that there are three things you never talk about in public. Religion, politcs and money. WHY?? The shame is what is keeping us all opressed. I’m not saying that religion is not helpful i’m just saying we should question things more. For me personally i was taught as a catholic that “if you think its a sin” that was pertaining to bad things. As and adult i ask why didnt’ that work on the positive side. If you think good things they will happen. I am not putting anyone down by asking that question i’m actually empowering people. I’m askign a wuestion that can actully broaden the scope of how we think I’m adding to instead of taking away.  If everbody in this counrty were less scared and asked more questions we could get somewhere.  Hilary and Obabma are just reacting at this point. They are taking away from something that could be positive . UMMMMMMMM OUR FIRST BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT. They are tearing each other down and potentially paving the way for the republicans to take over the White House.  They are going to try to get the blue collar vote now but once they get it, the blue collars will go back to church and they will go back to being elitist and nothing i mean nothingwill change.  You can say what you mean mean what you say and don’t say it mean, You can stand up for something without taking someone else down.  Clinging to one thing is he exact thing that leaves us all vulnerable to be taken advantage of. If we’re busy over here being bitter about one word then they can do what they want over there. There is nothing morally wrong with being poor its a social issue.  But if we keep our eyes down in shame they or our noses and eyes up in the air so we don’t have to see the ugly we are not lookign straight ahead to the future……….

More on this tomorrow….. I have to go see tony bennet:)


we’re so white

I am lmao right now. I wish i had a video camera so i could documnet the exchange between myself and my friend Nancy.  I am sitting working on my computer and she on hers. All of a sudden i get and email from a gentleman named Curtiss. He says that he wants me to come to Chicago because he wants to rack with me. I ask Nancy, who is younger than me, what that means and she says he wants to play hide the salami with sue z c. And i say “no” then i go back and forth, is it rack? in the rack or in the sack?” at which point Nancy’s sighs and says go to urban dictionary., where we find that Curtiss indeed wants to rack with me which means play hide the salami. Curis needs to take number because there is a long line at that deli.


Fear of Flying equals

 a fear of success for me. It feels exactly the same. I want to control it,  I want to keep in the air, I want to keep it from crashing. I want a direct flight.  I dont want any turbulence. I don’t want delays I want the service to be impecable. I want first class. I want a pillow, i want to sit by the exit sign so i can get out quick.  I want to be completely comfortable so i have no fear suspended in the air like that.  All my life i have had this dream about a plane not being able to take off or it takes off and lands right away. I have had success in my life before but, I coudln’t feel it and i think because I couldnt feel , I couldn’t sustain it.   My Past kept creeping up and pulling me down, or my interpretation of the past.  It felt like everytime something good happened something bad would happen. And because i believed that, I manifested it; or found eveidence to make it appear true.  I unconciously decided not to have any good things happen.  But that didnt work either because i had created my own living grave. I was doing nothing, for fear that something bad would happen. Then i was stuck with the dilema of not being personally satisfied, so i had to learn to dig out my past and let it go.  I had to realize that  Good things were there for the taking all along but i chose not to pay attention to the bad. I had to ask my self honestly how am i going to fly if i can’t let go?   A plane cannot take off if there is too much baggage right?  Or it takes off and crashes.  I thought I was supposed be able to let go of all my fear but  But a plane doesn’t  completely let go, you have to have a sound info structure to hold you. I tried surfing last summer and i was so freaked out by the strap you had to put around your leg. I almost didn’t surf because i thought it would get in my way. I overcame my fear of the strap and got on my belly and rode the wave for a few minutes until a wave hit me and i tumbled. My surfboard went flying but not far because i had it attached to my foot.  I felt like a million bucks all day because it felt so good to let go and  to come to terms with the strap around my leg.  I realized that thing that i thought was getting in my way, was the exact thing that was making it safe enough for me to surf. I GET IT!!!  Flying isn’t always comfortable but the rewards are amazing because it gets you to a different destination than when you started.  Fear is there for a reason and you can use it in a healthy way to support your flight. Feel the fear and do it anyway!!!!!!!!


Its tax time and i regress

Hi everybody sorry for the delay we switched servers and i couldn’t figure this thing out:)

Anyway, I had to mail my taxes this morning and  i nearly had an anxiety attack just from licking the envelopes and, this is the first year I’m getting money back in about ten years so you would think I would be happy. But try as I may i couldn’t calm myself down. I made it to the post office with my book and my ipod fully expecting to have to wait for hours. Low and behold there were like 4 people in line. I was psyched. So i went to the little counter with all the labels like a big girl but when i got there the slip i needed wasn’t there. The panic got worse, my chest tightened my breath shortened because i knew what this meant: i was going to have to ask an United States postal worker for help. I could feel myself shrinking as i walked up to the window. The woman i approached was waiting on another woman and i politely said “excuse me.”  She let out a blood curdling scream that practically knocked me over. NOT NOW!!!!!!!! So being the scared little child that i had become in the four minutes since i entered the post office i scurried away. I went to the inquiry window, where there was a slick Italian guy standing with his shizziil all spread out on the counter. I politely said excuse me to him, he grunted and oh so nicely let me poke my head around him to call for another postal worker to help me. This postal worker told me i had to ask one someone at the window. I politely told him that i had tried to do that and she yelled at me. He told me to meet him at window 10 in a few minutes. Oh i forgot to tell you i had this guy holding my place in line the whole time. Finally i got the slips i needed (which are proof of mailing which is much cheaper than return receipt.) They i walked back to my place in line and again i heard another blood curdling scream “next and only if you’re ready” I had only filled out two of my slips at this point but i wasn’t going to forfeit my place in line because by now the line had grown to about 30 people. So I walk up to the window to literally one of the nastiest human beings i have ever come across.  She screams, ”one at a time!” and throws the first one at me. All of a sudden i remembered that i was a grown woman and not a child, that i was standing there on my own two feet and i felt a strength well up in me. I let it drop and then give her the evil eye and ask “Is that mine?” she knew what the f*ck i was talkin about. It’s a respect thing. Dontcha know she handed the other four to me properly. Then as i was leaving I said ”have a nice day, I hope you feel better” and that’s when her neck started bobbing “what are you talking about I’m fine” and i was like “really hm?’ and  i walked out.   Let her sit there and stew and wonder what i meant. You see in the past, i would’ve gotten into a whole thing with her and let her dump her aggression on me cause believe me she was just waiting for someone. Either that, or i would try to save her by being all nice but this time…. I showed her who’s boss, i was like mam you left a package on my doorstep and it needs to be returned to sender.


Paying for poverty


 Audio Help   [get-oh] Pronunciation KeyShow IPA Pronunciation

–noun, plural -tos, -toes.

1. a section of a city, esp. a thickly populated slum area, inhabited predominantly by members of an ethnic or other minority group, often as a result of social or economic restrictions, pressures, or hardships.

  This is the definition that the online dictionary gives for the word Ghetto. It should say synonym :victim.  They left out the part that these economic restrictions,pressures or hardships can be internal. I was back in Boston this weekend for a friends birthday party in Dorchester.  Before i went to the party i went to Charles Street to have pizza at one of my favorite places called Figs. The place is not fancy as a matter of fact, the hostess was a bitch the service sucked and there was a table of drunk women screaming beside us the whole time. I had the fig, cheese and prosciutto pizza. It was so friggin delicious!!  And, the whole bill for the 2 of us was $28.00. As we were walking back to the car I couldn’t stop talking about it.I realized that food is sexual and growing up food was never a big deal if we ate at home we had smoked shoulder or american chop suey with absolutely not spices and if we ate out we had to order from the left side of menu. I also realized that everybody was relaxing and having a leisurely sat afternoon.  Then we made our way over to Dorchester (Savin hill) which to the naked eye looks very nice. But as soon as we got there the feeling changed it wasn’t as if everyone was having a leisurely sat afternoon it was as if there was a secret cloud of oppression. The party was nice and the kids were so cute!! Of course everyone made fun of my silver high top converse, standing there in judgement while wearing they’re Merrells. Everyone but the kids, they loved them. When we left we decided to go to the corner restaurant for dinner. I used be a bartender at this restaurant but they have changed it, ya know, made it more classy to improve the neighborhood. As soon as  I walked in the owner was so excited to see me he put me right n the window for all to see. My friend and I don’t drink so he sent over a bottle of Saratoga water. The waitress took a while to take our order, finally we decided on the steak tips (which you can only get in Boston) and the Baked stuffed shrimp. Both were around 18.95 each. They took forever, and while we were waiting the owner asked me where i went to lunch and I told  him Figs. He started with “oh your so fancy now, this isn’t a two fork kind of place ya know” I took it like a big girl. I took it all like a big girl. I saw a lot of the girls i grew up with. They asked me how i was and I asked them how they were and they were like ” how the f*ck do you think we are we’re doing the same thing we were doing when you left!”  I’m damned if i do and damned if i don’t, if I didn’t ask  they would’ve said oh she’s all about herself.  The food finally came and it was cold. Thank God the owner bought our dinner because the bill would have been at least $60.00 with no alcohol.  As i was leaving i thought how can this be ?that meal would have been double what the meal this afternoon costs and it was 100 percent better. Then i remembered the last time i was home i went from Southie to Beacon Hill, i noticed that the rents in Beacon Hill were cheaper than they were in Southie. It took this last trip for me to realize that it’s all internal and it’s not even financially productive. And it all comes from shame. And when you’re ashamed you’ll pay $18.95 for some steak tips to make the neighborhood more fancy. The oppressed becomes the oppressor and so on so on.  I get nervous even writing this because of the back lash i could get form people in the neighborhood. But then i think about it i took so much shit from them and they’re way isn’t even productive. At least my revealing this my be productive for someone who just didn’t know what they didn’t know like me.   Whatevs I do what i want, i would much rather wear my high-tops and relax with a good meal in a my belly and a bunch of cash in my pocket then running around complaning that someone took my two forks.

Comments (7)

porno really does work

I mean it !! I fell asleep last night to a sex scene involving Chris rock and believe me i have never found that guy sexually attractive but he aided and abetted in my having not one, but two excellent sex dreams last night. The were so good that I’ve been hungry and tired all day. I have never really been offended by the idea of porno, the only problem i have is the degradation of women. Which i think is brought on because of the sexual repression in this country. If we weren’t repressed the perversion would be taken out of it. If you repress anything it is going to come out sideways, I mean i grew up Irish catholic, i was taught that the only reason people are supposed to have sex is to procreate. I was also taught that Catholics eat fish on Friday. One day i decided to google “why catholics eat fish on Friday” and you know what it said. Because back in the day the Italian mafia was having a hard time selling their fish ,so they went to the Pope and he solved the problem by declaring all Catholics eat fish on Fri. I was floored, i was like why hasn’t anyone else thought to check this?? Didn’t anyone feel the need to ask why?  But then i realized that that would mean they would have to then question  everything like, if we’re only supposed to have sex to procreate then why did God make us Horny?  I guess it’s easier for people to conform and take all the oppression and not feel strong and sexy, but not me, I’m going to continue to watch my titillating TV and have wonderful dreams, I can’t think of a better way to keep the peace than to wake up feeling as good as I did today. I mean it even helped me change my narrow view of Chris rocks possibilities.   Isn’t that what spirituality is supposed to do? And, I’m so friggin hungry from all the action i could eat a pound of fish.