Archive for August, 2009

bad driver gettin better…

Ah ha, I’m in LA and I’ve been having a grand old time freshening up my driving skills. I will tell you one thing GAWD do I LOVE to LAUGH. Even if it’s at my own expense. Actually let me re phrase that especially if it’s at my own expense.

I was out with Martin Snow the other night, he’s the guy who taught me how to box in NYC. He opened a Trinity here in west Hollywood, so I went to work out then we went out to eat.

When I walked into the gym he started yelling “the mighty Sue Costello is here!” and then immediately started teasing me.” Namaste sue, ” making fun of the fact that I have practicing yoga instead of boxing for the past couple of years.

When we were done, he asked me to drive, now Martin is like 6″7 200 plus pounds and I’m a shrimpy. We get into the car and I tell him that he is a brave one, because I’m not a great driver. He says, “stop how bad can you be? we are only going up the street.”

AHAHHAHAHAHA well didn’t he find out. We went to eat and I had a hard time parking, and then while we were eating i got nervous that I left the lights on so I got up and ran. The back lights were not on so I asked him if that meant they were off. He said “yes.” Well, when we finished, we walked to the car and the inside light was on, I got nervous and asked him, “is the battery dead?” and he was like “Sue the light wouldn’t be on.” LOLOLOL

Then he wanted to get frozen yogurt so off we went, I got us lost and turned to late then we had to go around like Chevy chase in vacation. “look kids big ben,” Then after the frozen yogurt, I couldn’t get the car to start. He checked it for me and said it was fine, then i couldn’t get it again lol Finally, I figured it out, I wasn’t pushing the brake down far enough.

More on this tomorrow…

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I almost forgot for a sec..

that the dark never wins…… But, I am amazed at how strong the pull to the dark can be, in the moment it seems easier and quicker; even less painful,  but in the long run, it turns on you, blinds you, then fills you with fear.

This week I had a lot, I mean a lot of dark energy coming my way. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like it takes over and I’m not myself anymore.

When it’s coming straight at me It feels so strong, like nothing  I could do could stand up to it. But I breathe and I pause and I check my gut and most of the time if  I sit still when i am the most afraid I find my way out of the darkness.

The answers just come to me. The problem is that it’s terrifying to sit still when the fear is the greatest but that is when it is most important. I think about what they tell  you if you ever find yourself drowning becuause the current i s pulling you, they say don’t fight it go with it. Or how when drunks fall or get into accidents alot of times they have less injurys becuase their body’s are loose.

Be still and know that I am just came into my head as I am writing this.

I’m in Los Angeles for work and I cannot believe how different I feel now than I did back a few years ago.

I have no “people”" I challenge myself to show up and be myself and take risks and find my way out of the hole.

I used to feel like I could collapse when I was faced with a situation that scared me.  Or, I would get someone “my people” to do it for me. Thus only putting a band aid on the fear.

Now I walk through it, I sit still, I pray, i ask for help and  I figure it out and the personal growth that I get from it is far more rewarding than any outside accolade i could get

It’s like a wound that gets brought to the surface and heals in the air.

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omg..

i cant’ believe how long it’s been since i blogged…. I’m in LA bringing home the bacon and will get back to everyday blogging this afternoon…. I hope all is well with everyone…
40 year anniversary of John and Yoko’s peace bed in…….

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kindness does not equal weakness…

Its quite the contrary, growing up, I learned really quickly not to show any vulnerability, because it would be attacked.

As an adult, I can’t even imagine who invented that. The only thing I can think of is, way back when, someone couldn’t handle their own vulnerability so when someone smaller than them expressed it, they beat it out of them. .

Sometimes it’s not so obvious, meaning they don’t beat it out of you physically, they try to shame you emotionally. Like with the phrase “you’re too sensitive, my response to that now is “yes I am not respect it.”

I have found that the better my boundaries, the kinder I can be and the kinder I can be, the further I get. we think that protecting ourselves from showing our vulnerability is keeping us safe , but what it’s really doing is making out lives smaller and smaller. Because, vulnerability is the key to love and love is the key  to freedom.

I used to think “Oh my God how am I going to make it in the world? I cant’ be kind, because if I am, someone will take advantage of it and use it against me. Or it will make them feel bad about themselves and they will hurt me.

That used to happen all the time. I have an innate pureness to me that I have been shamed for my whole life. I would respond to a situation and someone sitting at a table would respond “we’re not all like you Sue!” And I would get scared and shut down because of shame and fear.

Not anymore. I have read about some of the most successful people in the world and you know what they all have in common, they are innately kind people.

But that kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness.

You see, people flock to the kindness, but people who have not found their own purity, try everything to not have to look at themselves.

They try to kill it, they try to take it, and you can try to give to them or hide your own to try to make them feel more comfortable, but, the truth is you can’t give a grown person feelings, they have to find it in themselves.

For me, it used to be noone is to be trusted until thy give you a reason to trust and now it’s trust everyone until they give you a reason not to.

That doesn’t mean give your whole soul to them . It means open you heart as well as your eyes.

There really is no other way, otherwise we sit in fear and never do anything for fear of getting hurt.

Well, getting hurt is part of life and I have a secret, the more you get hurt the less it hurts…………… if you continue to grow though it… and stay kind…..

You can’t let other peoples hate bury you alive … you have a choice… let that choice be to be a kind one with boundaries………..

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more about skinny dipping….

Whenever I am faced with a fear I like to reach down inside and walk through it.

The other night, my friend and I went to the beach at dusk, on account of I can’t get any sun.

Anyway, it was beautiful, gorgeous, and so peaceful.  I wanted to skinny dip, but the bottom had a lot of shells, so I asked my friend if I could wear her flip flops because  and I didn’t want to cut myself..

The first thing she said to me was, “don’t loose them.” (it reminded me of my mother, she would always say the most fearful thing while I was trying to have fun.) I mean the worst thing that would happen is, I lost it and I had to buyanother one.  My response was “I’m not going to lose them.”

Then sure enough, I’m not in the water for a second and a big wave comes, knocks me over and slams me down. I finally get my balance, stand  and realize that one of the flip flops is gone.

A terror ran through my body, it was a childish terror. Because my brain was telling me all I had to do was buy another pair.  Bu the grown up part of me began looking for it.

I ran up to her and told her, she was not happy, so I ran back to the water searching through the dark water. The waves were big and with every white trimmed crash, the bottom would swish up and make the water even more murky.

But I kept searching and don’t cha know whola! I found it.

I was so happy. It was metaphor for life for me. I needed to protect my feet and if that meant possibly having to buy another pair of flip flops, so be it.

But then, even when it was gone, I kept up hope, kept searching through t he murky water to find it.  which is proof that nothing is as bad as we think its going to be. and i am never going to let “what might happen” keep me from tryign things!

I ran into the waves and swam, I pulled my bathing suit off and felt so free.

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i forgot to blog today..

I have most of it written but I need to do it tomorrow on account of I”m exhausted. his morning I woke up and wrote the structure of my show that I’ve been trying to get through for 10 years!!! Then,, I went boxing for the first time in 2 years then took myself to lunch then through all the art galleries on Madison Ave. So it’s been a very productive and fulfilling day.
sleep well and until tomorrow!

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Skinny dippiing

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs124.snc1/5328_112946513246_571828246_2270679_214309_s.jpg

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ok more about the dark..

What I find most fascinating about abuse is, that there really are no victims, only volunteers. except when it comes to children. When you are small you have no recourse. But once you are an adult you can change so if you don’t then what is that called?

Playing the victim is a familiar way for people who were abused to go through life. But the truth is, there is a way out.

I seems that there is an unspoken agreement that goes on between the abused and the abuser.

I mean really, the therapist I wrote about yesterday now specializes in helping people who want to have the same surgery that she had.

Which just means that she just found a whole different group with vulnerabilities to pray on.

But they have to be willing. You see they want an easy way out as well. So, if they go to her, ( a therapist)  then they can validate that it’s ok to have a tube stuck in your stomach to control you life through your food.

I am speaking of myself as well. I went to a huge overweight person to take care of me. Yes she abused me, but I must have  liked it on some level. And by that I don’t mean that I am blaming myself. Abuse is NEVER ok and the one with the power should be the responsible one.

That being said,  asI look back on the abusive relationships that I have been in and if I am really honest, I can admit that I was hiding my own aggression. I would get close to someone who was “worse than me” if you will, and they would act out the aggression I had inside towards myself and the world.

Then I could play the victim. Guys do it with girls as well. They seek “crazy” girls so they can eventually walk away and blame her on their inability to have a true connection. And the deeper truth is that  act in a way they make the girls crazy.

We all have a little crazy in us. And if you embrace it instead of hiding it in shame or dumping it on others, if you really hold on to it and own it you will be free. There will be no vulnerability to be manipulated.

I ‘m not scared of my aggression anymore. You see the abusers are, that’s why they get so mad when i have it. Because they are so busy defending against their own, pretending to be a “good person,” that they can’t tolerate it anyone else.

Well I have it all in me. Hate, jealousy, guilt shame, judgement, the difference is I make a choice everyday not to live in that lower self.

I let it all run it’s course inside my body. I process it and then let what Iwant to come out, come out.
And sometimes I choose very consciously to send that aggression straight at someone.  In a healthy way.

Because I am aware of it and embrace it, I can use it to my benefit. In the past because I was repressing it it would come out sideways and my life would be a mess. All while I would cry and say “why is life like this? I’m a good person.”

I don’t care about being a “good person” anymore. I care about being authentic. I remember when my boyfriend moved out on me after 8 years while i was away for the weekend then tried to ruin my business and I stuck up for myself,my southern friend said “sue your acting like a scorned woman.” LOL I was like “I am a scorned woman!”

I grew up in the inner streets on Boston, that built a strength inside me that no education could ever replace.

Anthony Hopkins said something like this  about his acting, we have it all in us, homicide, suicide, all of it it’s the great actor that can show it all.

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They can only abuse you in the dark:)

Ahahahhahahhahaa it’s brings me great pleasure to report to you the happenings of the past couple of days.

For those of you who have seen my one woman show, you know about the fat therapist that abused me. Well just like what happened with Candice Bergen, God gave me another opportunity to set the record straight.

Fri i was shopping for gefilte fish for my little old Lady friend and I asked someone where the check out was.

And low and behold it was the therapist. She lit up and was like “Hi Sue!” how are you, do you live around here?”  I was like “no and I’m excellent and you lost weight, and, I really wish you didn’t abuse me when I was your patient.’

To which she responded 1, she then turned and ran into the bagel rack..2 she said ” the checkout counter is over there”, and when i didn’t move,  3. She said, “I don’t think we should talk about this here you should call me or come into my office.”

To which I responded, “no I want to talk about this here” and she ran away.

God ! I had so many feelings, the strongest of which was “I WAS RIGHT!!” Oh oh and I left out the most important part. She had something on her that looked like a stethoscope sticking out of her.

When I got home an googled her to find an  email address for her I found out that the way she lost weight was she had some surgery that put a clamp on her stomach so she can control her food intake.

I sent her an email letting her know that I didn’t appreciate her running into the bagel rack and I especially don’t like that as soon as I told her she abused she invited me back into her office.

You see she wanted me to go back in the dark so she could manipulate me.

She responded with some lame email about how surviving her  is a testament to my talent and inner strength.

OH oh oh and she wrote I’m happy to hear you are doing “excellent.”  In quotes no less, she may not be heavy but she is still aggressive and angry.

I never used to have the strength to stick up to these people, because they would puff up and scare me. But now I know that they only puff up to scare you when they are covering   for their bad behavior.

I mean I paid the woman over $100,000 you would think maybe just a little gentleness would be nice.

But then again I’m talking about a woman who instead of changing attached a  pump to her stomach to control her food intake.

more on this later……..

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a caterpillar is a butterfly who..

………once it becomes a butterfly, can never go back to being a caterpillar.

So many of us stay caterpillars because it feels safe. But actually, it’s danger, disguised as safety.

When you are a butterfly you can fly anywhere, when you are a caterpillar you have to stay close to the ground.

There are many factors that can get in the way of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly but if it stays focused and allows the natural process to happen there is really nothing that can get in the way.

Spread those wings and fly it might feel lonely at first, but nothing I mean nothing, is more lonely than staying close to the ground just so you can be like everyone else.

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