Archive for October, 2009

I see dead people

Well not literally, but I do see things that most people don’t (want to.)

I have all my life and when I was a kid, I got beat for it.

I feel it in my gut, the second something isn’t right. I use humor to expose it alot of the time, but sometimes I just say it straight up.

A memory just came to my mind as I am writing this.

Growing up, I was 3 years younger then my sister and her friends, so of course, I always wanted to hang around with them.

When I was around three, we would play in our back yard and they would go outside the gate and I would follow.

When my mother caught me she tied me to a pole so that I wouldn’t do it again.

Then when I was around 8 or 9, we were in Vermont and the girls got to stay in our cottage by themselves while I had to go with my mother and father to a party down the street.

My mother told the girls that they were to save some candy for me.

When we got home, the girls were sitting at the table and there was one green leaf left in the dish.

I said something, I was so mad, I knew they were fucking with me.

My mother proceed to beat the shit out of me. She punched me from the couch to the chair and back again.

All while the girls turned their head and watched through the reflection of the window.

This beating did not make me feel like I was wrong, it made me feel like I would die if I stuck up for myself.

Now I think about what happened at the theater the other night.

I walked in and the floor was a completely different color from all the other times I had done my show there. It also had stickers and scratches all over it.

I was mad, I said to the assistant, I realize that you guys have other shows going on during the week, but I never knew the floor was going to change and it’s a mess. I need some level of respect.

To which the guy who runs the theatre screamed “FUCK YOU don’t you dare come in an frown at the floor, I’ve been working all fucking day here.”

“Fuck you, don’t do you show!”

To which I responded “we’ll talk about this after my show”

He kept going “fuck you! you’re not doing your show, don’t you fucking tell me what to do!”

He chased me into my dressing room.

I was by myself, I had people outside waiting to see the show, and the irrationality almost paralyzed me

You know why? Because when you get beat like that as a kid,  it takes a lifetime to figure out what is acceptable behavior.

I said to myself, “Sue you don’t deserve this.” and packed up my stuff.

As soon as I walked out the door the “strangers” mind you, who were there to see the show, asked what happened.

I told them and their response was “OMG  sue that’s terrible, do you need us to go back in there with you, there is strength in numbers.”

When they said that, it registered just how bad this whole thing was.

You see, there was still a part of me who thought I should take it, that I should not speak up for myself, but that was when I was a kid, when I needed a place to live, when the adults were in charge of me.

This time I was a grown woman, I don’t need that guy. And I especially never need to be treated like that. I didn’t have an advocate when i was little but I sure as hell have one now, and it’s me.

Another customer showed up and went right into the guy who runs the theater she said,” it doesn’t matter what went on the proof is in the fact that you have 30 people outside to see a show and you are turning them away.”

She told him that he was dumb because he was losing business and that all those people would never come back to see a show at his theater.

One woman said that I should call the police. I did. Because in the past I”ve been in these kind of situations and didn’t realize the severity of them because of my past ,only to wish I had later.

Well the cops show up, and the woman police officer said “this will probably be harassment.”  And the the two male cops went inside.

They came out and pretty much yelled,” it was a loud argument that’s all. Nothing happened you had an artistic disagreement.”

I was shocked, then he said he has 2 witnesses.

I asked, ” you mean the girl who lives in the basement with the guy who freaked out and the priest who lives in the homeless shelter on the other side of the basement?”

I did not have a written contract with the theater but I had a verbal contract which was implied by the signs outside and the customers.

Then the other cop said to me, “in the future if you don’t have a written contract and they ask you to leave, and you don’t you can be arrested for trespassing.”

Mind you, he was saying this to me as I was on the sidewalk outside.

I picked up my set and carried it to the end of the street.

Thinking My God will the Bully’s always win?

I spoke to my friend, who doesn’t miss a trick either, said, “the priest probably got to the cops. I bet they were either Irish or Italian, and I bet they do the same to their wives.”

To which I replied, and the girlfriend and the priest were protecting their homes, I had a little compassion, because I remembered how scared I was as a kid that I would lose my home if I stuck up for myself.

And the end result is, I’m walking away, the dark doesn’t win unless I let it.

The priest ,the girl and the guy who manages the theater can keep protecting their homes, in the basement. The cops can keep being scared by the priests and intimidating women and I will move on to bigger and better places.

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ok here’s the dilly…

I don’t care what you think of me:)

How’s that?

I actually think it’s funny when I write about abuse and people send me abusive emails.

Which proves my point, that Bully’s are dumb.

I actually got an email yesterday from someone saying that I am uneducated because I don’t proof read my blogs.

The email had words left out, misspellings, no caps and extra words in it.

The person also wrote, that I referred to myself “always nice.”

Ummm never, I don’t even believe in that word.

Also, the person who wrote the email called me “white trash.”

So not only do they attack me personally, then they attack my education or lack there of,  and to top it off, they put words in my mouth.

I can’t even wrap my brain around that.

So ,obviously they are wrong, but let’s say there not, for argument sake, What if I am uneducated and white trash?

Who cares?

These emails are filled with name calling and hate.

Ok so your hateful, great.

Again, I don’t care.

judgement (BE) generally refers to the considered evaluation of evidence in the formation of making a decision.

Any individual that makes the decision to actually sit down at their computer, compose an email of hate and send it, esp when the result of such email is the exact thing that I”m being accused of, seems to be an interesting decision.

There are plenty of people who I don’t agree with, or respect, for that matter. There are plenty of people that I think are not telling the truth, but I would never sit down and send them a nasty email.

Why? Because it doesn’t trigger something inside me.

I just move forward with my own life. What do I care what others do? I’m only responsible for myself. And If I’m busy writing emails to others, then I’m not taking care of myself. And, if they are hate filled emails, then I’m actually taking away from the world, instead of giving back.

The best way to stand up to something you don’t believe in, is to do the exact opposite. The truth will always prevail when we don’t allow the truth to be pulled into the cloudiness of hate.

I can only think that this formation and considered evaluation  is motivated by something they see in themselves.

Psychological projection (or projection bias) is the unconscious act of denial of a person’s own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are ascribed to the outside world, like the weather, the government, a tool or another person or people

In classical psychology, projection is always seen as a defense mechanism that occurs when a person’s own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.[1]

An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and redirect their libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or “projecting,” those same faults onto another.

Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.

I never knew what bothered me about hateful people before, but I get it now. It’s that they’re dumb.

They keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different result. They spew hate at others as a way to put them down and in doing so, they actually prove that they are themselves the ones that are hateful, all the while trying to pretend that they are not.

If you choose the path of hate then I beg of you, at least put a little effort into it, don’t be so lazy,try to use a little sophistication.

OK so so to sum it up, you can call me uneducated, call me white trash, but at least I’m not dumb.

And who cares  what I say either?  The  Bully’s won’t even understand this post.

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Enough is enough!

I try, every day, to be understanding and compassionate; but sometimes I reach a limit and today is that day!

I am beside myself with the level of unacceptable behavior that I have been exposed to lately.

Over the past couple of years, I have been under tremendous stress. I lost my home,  my therapist was abusing me and I put up my show during the stock market crash last fall and lost more money.

That being said, I have not treated anyone poorly because of that.  I took all of these situations as an opportunity to grow and to see if I can rise to the occasion.

I did just that and continue to. All my life people have said to me “Sue we’re not all like you.”

That’s a cop out. I used to think “sue don’t think you are better than, have compassion.”

I have plenty of compassion, but up until now ,it has been at the expense of myself.

I do not think I am better than anyone, but I do think that there is a better way to live in the world.

It is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE to treat someone like shit because you cannot handle your emotions.

Yes we are human, but that is not an excuse, if you make a mistake apologize. Care enough about yourself not to treat others like shit, because the truth is, you just get shit back when you do it.

The other night, the guy that runs the theater that I had been doing my show Minus 32 Million Words at,  freaked out on me because evidently he was having girlfriend problems.

I was an easy target because I was doing my show in 40 minutes.

He pulled the show, all the people that came to see me had to be turned away.

STUPID he lost money himself, and everyone there saw what happened.  Also my friend who is a Tony nominated actress told me that he bullied a big guy from a play of hers in the past.

I can tell him why he’s having problems with his girlfriend.

He’s a big dumb bully.

I don’t like to name call, but jeeze.

If you hate your life and don’t have the courage to change it, then stay home. It’s not OK to take it out on the world.

Because he was having a bad day, I am left to pick up and find a new place to do my show.

He wants to sabotage his life so be it, but leave me out of it.

This has happened many times in my life and I will do it, I will move on and I will look at this and a gift that the stakes weren’t higher.

But in the meantime, I’m pissed off. People need to pull their shit together.

The world is falling apart because people think that it’s ok to dump into each other.

Well it ‘s not. I don’t care if you have pain from your past if the only thing you choose to do with it is hurt others with it.

If you care to take a look at it and feel some of it yourself, which is what should happen, since it is YOUR pain, then I have all the compassion in the world.

But if not, save it, you left something on my door step take it back.

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no charge

hahahaha I left my computer charger int he hotel room so I only got a little batt life til tom.
So this might be good I have to say what i want in a few words.
This weekend I went to a movie premiere, saw Lenny Kravitz, and Dance for like 5 hours straight.
Now tonight, Minus 32 Million Words.
Life is good and I”m smiling.

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you lay with the dogs you get fleas……

OMG OMG OMG OMG I never knew it ! I was pulled to the dark for sooooooooooo long. I thought i was shit so i went with the shit and I manifested shit!!
I let people talk to me however they wanted, I let their needs come before mine, and usually it was shady people trying to get me to conform to their ideas of life. Trying to make me come into the darkness to make them feel better about themselves.
I have always been honest, always it’s just what’s inside of me, I have had friends and boyfriends say to me “we’re not all like you Sue” which would cause me to hide in sham e. To push myself down.
I would be miserable. I was to scared to stand up for myself and I felt like weirdo, like there was something wrong with me.
I just wanted to fit in
So i would make myself ugly to fit into the ugly.
Well no more !!!! There is a new sheriff in town. You want to hang with me you got to connect on the up and up cause that’s the only place I’ll be hanging from now on:)

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do we really have the key to the chains that bind us?

That Pat Benetar song comes to mind as I write this. Where she sings something about how she is afraid to speak up for herself and then she says or maybe I’m afraid of my own strength.
I think that is it with me. When I take care of myself it’s like a power surge that i didn’t know was possible.
when I was 18 I was put on a jury. The kid that was on trial was a accused of driving the get away van for a another kid who mugged and old lady.
I remember the judge looking me in the eye and saying that my decision had to be beyond a reasonable doubt.
Well the cop that testified was so aggressive that I didn’t trust him and the DA was a sleezeball.
And more importantly, they did not prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt in my head.
I was ‘Not guilty and the other 11 people were guilty.
They were all making their decision based on emiotion.
Yes it was sad that the old lady got mugged but this guy wasn’t being accused of it.
Guess what? I turned that jury around. Their was so much doubt that I couldn’t go for guilty.
One guy said “what if he does it again? and i said what if he doesn’t? what if he never did it to begin with.
Reasonable doubt!
I believed it with every fiber of my being . I didn’t even have to fight them that hard. they knew I was honest and that I wasn’t budging and they had no real basis for their guilty verdict.
So not guilty he was.
I am working really hard to bring that 18 year old girl back but this time i want her to believe that she deserves the same passion and commitment when it comes to her self worth, beyond a reasonable doubt.

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yucky feelings:(

Only have a minute, on account of I got a show tonight. But, I just wanted to write a few words about my shitty weekend.
I got treated like shit and I was really mad on Sat. I was so mad I thought I was going to freak out.
But I didn’t and I didn’t deny it either. I felt it I kept it inside and talked about it appropriately and By Sunday I felt a little better.
And by keeping it inside I don’ t mean that I turned it on myself I mean I didn’t act out and take myself and everyone around out with it.
I channeled it hopefully will use it to propel myself forward.
I will tell you that i noticed this little thing that i do that I don’t find attractive at all.
When I am that mad I get weepy and I caught myself Saturday night when I talking to a few friends.
I caught myself and was actually able to articulate it.
I said i’m pretending to be weepy because it’s more socially acceptable. Girls aren’t supposed to get mad. The I growled really loudly, and they all laughed.
Dunno about you but I find a chick handling her anger in a healthy way, way more sexy then some weepy shiwshy one trying to pretend that she’s not angry.
Just sayin:)

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it’s just noise

Words used to bother me SO much, so much so, that I shut myself down out of fear.  Lately I’ve been realizing that people are capable of saying some nasty things, but what does that mean really?

NOTHING, absolutely nothing, it’s just chatter, just noise, that if you let it, will get in the way of your primary purpose.

Which is to move a head and do something that means something.

I don’t mean don’t pay attention to people and their feelings.

I have found that if people express real heartfelt honest emotions it’s easy to hear but if they are just blabbing hatred because they have nothing better to do with their lives  it’s hard to respond to. There is an automatic gut reaction to reject it. Unless you listen to it, then you become just like them.

Who cares really, I mean it’s nice when people say that they appreciate my work, but really if I built my life on that it would be built on something that others have power over.

Imagine if someone told you you were aweeome 374 days a year? What would you do on day 365? when they forgot, or were having a bad day or didn’t think you were so great that day.

I think the humanity of knowing that you’re not the best, or the prettiest or the smartest is where the freedom comes in.

What a relief, now I can get down to the business of getting something done.

Who cares if people don’t like you either. That’s a price you pay for living in the world. It’s  sign that you exist. And obviously are doing something to affect them because otherwise, they wouldn’t even bother.

I’m not a baby anymore, as much as I sometimes still wish that the world would adjust so that they would see things the way I see them, the freedom comes when it doesn’t matter if the rest of the world sees it.

What matters is that I see it.

If they love you or hate you it doesn’t matter because you still have to do the work. You still have to get up everyday and make it happen.

And, it will happen much quicker if you look in instead of out for gratification.

So,, let em talk, let em hate let em love, it’s all part of life, just keep your eyes on the prize and don’t give into any of it.

Don’t let the love take you too high and don’t let the hate take you too low.

Be aware protect yourself, and b protecting yourself, i mean let it all roll off your back, don’t respond.

Let everyone have their own feeling and you have yours.
That is when the true reality is manifested.

Manifest what is inside you, if it’s hate it will show and the same goes for love.

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show night

So, I don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to write about my gratitude. Last week, I walked on stage and I felt fine. I walked off stage and I had a cold. I was sick all week and I’m finally feeling better. There is nothing like feeling better after being sick. Makes me so grateful for my health.
Yesterday I went to my firends birthday party and there was a Frank Sinatra cd playing.
“New York, New York” I told my friend that we used to sing it at every wedding growing up. We would form a line like the Rockettes and kick and sing.
This morning while sitting feeling my gratitude I thought about that.
I wanted to move to NYC. I did.
I wanted to be on TV and in movies. I am.
I wanted to write a show about my life and perform it . I am
I wanted an apartment with a view of the water in NYC. I got it.
I wanted to feel like myself inside and be able to express it without taking someone else down. I’m doing it!!!

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to do lists…

I was standing in line at the grocery store yesterday and there was so much anxiety there. This particular store is always like that. I get the sense that the workers get abused by the management.

Also, it’s a store on the Upper East side of Manhattan to be exact. Lots of really wealthy people shop there.

I always wonder if that is where the anxiety comes from. You would think that it would be a much calmer place to shop because they don’t have to worry about how much they spend on food.

Which has been boggling my mind lately. The fact that food is so expensive is literally killing people in this country. Oh what the hell food in general is killing people.

To little, too much, the chemicals. It’s CRAZY to me, because food and water are the 2 things that we need as human beings to survive.

Anyway, I’m in line at the express aisle and this old woman was standing behind me. Her husband came along and screamed at her “you’re in the wrong aisle, can’t you read?!” and she turned and followed him shaking.

Then there is an old guy in a wheel chair screaming “get me outta here” and of course, all the rich ladies start giving him looks. So, what does his aid do? she leans down and hugs him; which to the naked eye, looks like a nice thing to do.

That aid should have taken him out of the store.

he was the only one with any reason in that God damn place. He just said what we were all thinking, and that aid was hugging him to stifle it .

Because really, what would happen if everyone turned and agreed? If everyone in that store said, ” you’re right.” Get us out of here!  Life is too short to payt oo much for food and to be abused while doing it.

The the whole fiber of this facade would fall apart, that’s what would happen.

the workers couldn’t hate the rich people, the rich people couldn’t act better than.  We would all have to face the harsh reality of ” How the fuck did our world turn into this? and I would like a hug, but a real hug, not one to squeltch me.”

But no that’s didn’t happen because people think that it would be too much to handle to much reality. But the reality is that it would be a lot less painful than what we are already doing. I mean really, if it was working, at least somone would be happy.

Since I know I can’t change the world I just turned to the woman behind me who had her hands full and asked if she needed help.

We got to talking and she told me that she needs to stop putting so much pressure on herself, that her husband would survive if he didn’t have his banana’s in the morning.

Then, she proceeded to tell me about a article that she read where a doctor suggested that you make a to do list everyday and then remove one thing.

It makes sense why not set yourself up to succeed, if you don’t list it and you get it done then you feel even better about yourself. And id you don’t get around to it you are not disappointed.

Living within our means both monetarily and humanely.

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