Okay, so, I've been dealing with this horrible situation for over two years now. It's one of those things where i was treated so unfairly and i could get screwed anyway. One of those things where you fight to stick up for youself until it turns into something that turns on you. Yesterday i had a meeting about such situation. On Sunday i went to library for 5 hours and prepared. This meeting was set up by someone who i trust immensly, somone who has a great reputation. I walked in and immediately felt uneasy. We sat for an hour and to sum it up, the guy was one the tightest, most withholding, low level people I had ever encountered.  One of those people that are pretending to help but are really trying to screw you. (I much perfer someone screwing me directly btw.) Anyway, i left distraught.  This guy triggered feelings of my father. My father pretended to be the greatest guy in the world and beat his kids. Anyway, when i get triggered like that it shakes me to my core. So, as i was getting on the subway to go uptown i almost broke my va jay jay because I walked so hard into the turnstyle without putting my metro card through the slot.  The girl next to me laughed so hard which made me laugh.  I put my metro card in and rushed to get the train.  Next thing I know i have gone 4 stops downtown and i was supposed to be going uptown.  I switched over and made it to my appointment. When i finally go home I cried so hard becasue i realized that a lot of this fight i was engaged in had to do with hoping that my Dad wasn't as bad as he was. I mean i know intellectually he was bad, but he was my only hope. I have never felt like my Mum loved me but my Dad................... Then i realized that until i let go i'm still fighting like he did, fighting so i dont have to feel powerless, fighting so i don't have to feel love. I thought about what a low life the guy i had met with earlier was operating on and how i don't want to live like that.  Then i pulled it together and went and met my friend. On my way, i saw my freind jake in the lobby we sat for a minute and he rubbed my shoulders, then, as i was walking i saw this girl that i had met four years ago.  Back then she was having a really hard time about a guy so i went to the beach with her and let her talk for hours. She ran up to me and thanked me,  for being  so kind to her.  I thanked her because i was so grateful for the hug. I told her she remineded me of this girl from la who said the same thing to me because i helped her clean her apartment, and off i went, a few blocks later i bump into that exact girl from La. I said "thats's so weird,  i was just talking about you, she gave me a hug and off i went. When i finished with my friend I went home.  I got on to the elevator and there was a woman with her dog and two kids, and at first i didn't recognize them but then the little girl said "there she is" and it suddenly came back to me. A few months ago i was coming into my building and a woman and a man were fighting on the street, the man hit the woman. I saw the kids cowering in the corner so i grabbbed them and pulled them away from the vilolence and sat with them. I told them it's not their fault that their Dad was mad. And that my Dad was jsut like that when i was little. The mother came and took them and i hadn't seen them until last night. The Mom was so gracious, she thanked me and the little girl was like "I knew it was Sue" And she hugged me held onto me for the whole evlevator ride. When i got into my apartment i didn't even turn on the lights i just sat on the floor and cried, i cried so hard, like you do when somone dies. I felt so touched by the fact that i am not my father. That i am not choosing to operate on the low level and that I get all the hugs anyone could ever need and then i can pay it forward. So now when that little girl is big like me might not be so distraught when she has a meeting with a bully. Because she will remember that it's not her fault.

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