I love that term, it's my favorite, my second favorite is "addicted to the intensity of a bad feeling." I am trying to discipline myself to feel good. By "good" i don't mean" hedonism good" i mean "peaceful good". I was talking to a friend of mine today about how hard is for him to feel good feelings. I told him that I really think that for most of my life feeling bad made me feel alive. I guess I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And secretly i wanted it to. I actually think that i subconsciously made it drop. It made me feel safe. Control was my life source for so many years. But, the truth is , control just gives you a false sense of safety. Actually I've heard it said that control freaks actually control themselves right out of a life. It makes sense, your world becomes so small that it literally implodes in on you. But I think for some people it feels better to take it down yourself rather than risk your heart and hope and have it fall apart because of no fault of your own. Plus for  me, when I am happy and light I feel free and when I feel free I feel vulnerable. But in actuality when I"m free I'm more open to let life happen and usually it's better than i could have ever imagined if I tried to control it myself.  Because whether I like it or not, it's going to happen, so I've decided to let go rather than be dragged. Happiness is not for those who need it, it' s for those who want it.

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