For Lauren

On Memorial Day a friend of mine  was jogging with her boyfriend around the reservoir in Central park and drop dead of a heart attack, she was 27 years old. Last fri was her memorial, the same day Tim Russert dropped dead of a heart attack. As I sat thought the  Memorial I thought of my friend Lauren and the last time I saw her. She walked up to me and gently whispered in my ear that i was an angle. I didn't take it in because my heart still stays closed sometimes when gentleness comes my way.  But as  I watched the montage of her life and listened to the kind words from all her friends and her boyfriend I let my heart soften. I thought that's what she would want, I've decided to keep it open until the day that i'm am done running and my heart closes for the last time.

no more tix for me to crazytown

I cannot believe that i am in charge of myself. I know that sounds crazy, but i feel like just recently  realized that i am the only person who can make my life or break it. It is definitely a maturity thing. I think it was more comfortable for me to stay small and think that others have it all figure out than to see the world and my self honestly.  The reasons i held on to that idea for so long were a.) because yes i didn't want to take responsibility for myself and my life. And b.) I don't think i i was strong enough to really see the world the way it really is and live in it just that way. It used to exhaust me because part of me was broken but there was also a part of me breaking myself. I always thought i was going to either end up homeless or like one of those crazy aunts that live in the back room because they can't take care of themselves. Well there is a new sheriff in town and she's got her big girl pants on and her vision is 20/20. I am amazed at how many people want you to stop being, to literally stop living so they don't have to feel bad about themselves. They blame their bad behavior on you're pure existence. Example number one. I got a post from some girl from Dorchester who literally told me not to come back becausei blogged about being treated poorly. (excuse the pun)  She said it was unfair of me to step back into the lives of the people i grew up with. ( see paying for poverty) She literally blamed me, for them making fun of me. Her solution is that i stay away and then she said that it was unfair of me to blog about it. LMAO. Is that not the epitome of abuse" i will abuse you whenever and however i want and you cant' say anything about it." Example number two: this guy straight up lied to me about being at my show. He told me he was there with his family. Well, that night there was a small crowd so and i knew everybody in the audience and none of them were there.  So flash forward to last night. He facebooks me and asks me to do him a favor. He asked me because i am really good at what he needed done. which in turn would make him look good. So i say  no not since you lied to me i don't want to do you any favors.  He responds "that's the spirit" LMAO again. The balls. The lying isn't event he wost part. It's that he thought it was okay to come back and ask me for a favor. (BTW in the past i would've done it. )  And example number three: the paparazzi, they literally say that if celebs choose to be famous the paps should be able to invade their privacy and safety. I THINK NOT! Umm i bet those paps all listen to the music and watch the movies and tv shows that these celebs create. So, let me get their thinking straight, no one should be famous, because fame causes them to be abusive.  And i should never go back to Boston unless i want to be abused, and people should lie and then you should do them favors or you are not spirited. hmmm  Well all i can say is you better be nice to me or I'm gonna blog about it:) Whatevs I do what i want.  

Maybe I'm wrong, George Clooney is God

Myanmar was mangled this weekend. There is a  God, i know it and he has a wife "mother nature" and they took care of that business over there in this weekend. I believe with my whole heart and soul that evil will be brought to the light, always. There is a line in the Road Less Traveled that says often times the nurosis we create to avoid pain in often 10 times greater than the pain we would have to go through if we just felt it." Ten times..................  Its just like a criminal who wants to get caught, and runs and runs and runs hurting people while leaving clues all along the way instead of just turning himself in.  Those oppressors brought that devastation on themselves and maybe with a little help from George Clooney, but those ads hadn't even starting running.

never ever ever kill

I do not believe in the death penalty never ever ever. If anyone watched 60 minutes on Sun night they saw a bunch of guys who had spent half their lives in prison for crimes they never committed.  Which means there were a few innocents killed as well. One of the guys was in jail for 27 years. Every time he came up for parole they said if he would just admit that he did it, he would get out, because by admitting his guilt it would show that he was willing to change. A few months ago they swabbed the inside of his mouth and the next week he was free. But what is freedom when you have lost your life? When asked why he never admitted to it just to get out he said that "sometimes your word is all you have." I just wonder why he didn't use his words beforehand?  Its as if he helped the system bury him alive. I would like to think that if something like  this happened to me i would fight harder to be heard. But, i am a woman who was lucky enough to break out of the shame that was passed on to me. So, I question that by not admitting to it and wasting his life in jail, is that not a twisted viture which is actually  just a veil for shame?

Burma vs Kansas

There is an article in today's New York Times Styles section about the celebrities campaign to stop the oppression in Burma aka Myanmar. They are campaigning to on YouTube to fight against the oppression and stand for human rights in Burma. Ummmmmmmmmm people in our country don't have health insurance, they are loosing their homes because of a mortgage crisis and they can't afford gas to get the to work.  What about the fact that the moratorium for the death penalty has been lifted because they found that freezing a person before they kill them is in fact a human way to kill someone. Did i just write" a humane way to kill someone" in the same sentence?  I got to make my own sign for YouTube it says put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child!!! And........... the article also says; "that after three decades of isolationist totalitarian rule and multiple coups, the country held free elections in 1990. The national league for democracy, led by Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, won 82 percent of the parliamentary seats but the junta refused to relinquish power." Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi, (A Nobel peace prize winner for her expression of non violence) has been under house arrest for 12 of the last 18 years.  They say that even people who know about her, can't pronounce her name.  ( ung san su kee is my guess)  Ummmm because they are too busy pronouncing Al Gore and Superdelegates. In this great USA woman still get paid less then men for the exact same jobs.  And on the cover of AOl today there is picture of a man who locked his daughter in the house for 24 years.................................. I'm sure she is not getting a Nobel peace prize for her non vilolent time spent.

 

a hostage to ego or a host to spirit?

I watched real sports on HBO the other night. There was a story about a black guy (I don't remember his name) who was a great basketball player in high school and had all the colleges in the country after him. But before he could get there, he made a mistake and ended up in jail  7 years later one of those coaches from one of those colleges came a lookin. ( he happened to be white) He looked over the inmates record and realized that he was up for parole two years earlier so, essentially he was serving time he didn't need to.  They got a lawyer and the man was released. But before he could go to back to the Midwest town to play basketball the coach had to put his life on the line as collateral. If the ex inmate committed any criminal activity the coach would be run out of town. As it turns out there was never any criminal activity and the guy was thought to be drafted by the NBA. He wasn't, and it was a direct result of his record. He ended up playing basketball over seas, made tons of money, saw the world and bought the company that his mother used to work for, who is now running it. When Brian Gumble asked him what was better playing int he USA or Paris France he did not hesitate "Paris France" he replied with a huge smile.  I was in tears at this point barely able to see the TV screen through my tear soaked eye glasses. Then to top it off the guy donates shoes to the team every year and he is going back to college to get a degree so he can become a social worker. I was so moved at this guys lack of ego. I can't even say if i myself wouldn't have been trapped by my own regret of never making it to the NBA. But then i realized that those resentments are just invisible bars. If he made it to the NBA he might never have even left the country. He has seen the world and developed a loving relationship with another human being, who happens to be of another race. He made a mistake but it didn't ruin his life because he chose to be a host to the spirit instead of a hostage to the ego and now, he can pay it it forward.

Hey Lady!!!

Please please go and see Baby Mama!!!! It is hilarious. Tina fey is the Billy Jean King of comedy. I love her. I bow in gratitude. I sat in a theatre in NYC on sat night and was breathless as I looked at the packed house. People were fighting to find seats. How many movie execs are eating their words this Monday morning? I thought how many of them must have said "two funny women can't sell out a theatre." The ticket is, Tina's writing. I have heard so many women over the years talk about how there were no good roles for women and  thought that was feeding into the victimization, why doesn't someone write something for themselves? Tina has done it.  You cannot deny Tina because she has product.  i remember right after my sitcom got canceled )which i co created) i went to a women in comedy seminar and they were dancing around the sexism issue. My show was the first time i had ever really experienced sexism.  Mind you, i was the only woman in the room who had their own sitcom so you think they might want to hear what i had to say. I stood up and and said we need to admit there is a problem, and then we can figure out how to deal with it. I really was taken by the men and their aggression towardsmy success.  I said i think woman are socialized to retreat when they are yelled and guys are taught to fight back. How can we figure out a way to fight back without letting the industry turn us into men.  And the three woman running the seminar screamed bloody murder at me and what did I do? I retreated. But not now, now i am inspired, Tina showed me that it's possible, to be pretty funny and smart and remain a woman. You know how you do it? You write and you put it out there, that's how you stand up to it, with success. You don't let the dark pull you down one review said "its no Knocked up" a movie that its lead said was sexist. Whatevs we do what we want you can't argue with success.  So,  I am putting on my apple bottom jeans and my boots with the fur, writing myself some shizzle and going  to live out loud.

polygamy and the pope

Sorry it has taken me days to get up the guts to post this and i wanted to make sure i was not totally emotional and clear because i respect that people out there hold some of their beliefs to a very strong standard.   Last night i was not a happy camper watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. First up was the story of the polygamy case in Texas. Hundreds of kids were taken from their homes because of child abuse. First it was thought to be only sexual abuse but now they are finding out that it was physical as well. Of course there is abuse going on,  it is a cult and a cult is a breeding ground for abuse.  In  cult  you are not allowed to question the ideology of the leader and if you do, all the others will oppress you.  And then came  the story of the Pope visiting the  people who had been sexually abused in Boston to apologize. The three people that were on CNN seemed to me to be taken by the fact that the Pope  (his holiness) visiting them and  that apologizing was unprecedented. UMMMM priests sexually abusing kids was unprecedented.  They seemed to feel like this somehow made them special. I'm sure that's what the women of the poligamist men feel as well.   When you are abused your self esteem is totally diminished you don't even know how to stick up for yourself and you have a twisted relationship with those who have abused you.  Abusers are the most manipulative creatures on Earth. They get you to feel bad for them and there is an unspoken law that they can abuse you and you cant' tell anyone. and when it comes to sex abuse they make you feel special.   The Pope was at the UN today talking about human rights. It is a basic human right to feel safe.   He said the the global community has to step in and stop the abuse of human rights Th Pope said at the UN that tolerance means engaging human differences.  Ok, then why can't the suvivors reapectfully be mad? Why can't they respectfully demand that the Pope take out every single last offender that still has anything to do with he catholic Church You want me to believe you? he needs to come over to Boston and meet with those survivors without all the pomp and circumstance.He arrived at the UN and walked a red carpet like a celebity, Its the age old "shiny object make them look over here so they won't see over here." He's a human being just like all of us.  He only went up to Boston because the survivors are making such a big stink everywhere he had to do something.  He is not addressing it, he's just admitting that it happened because he had to. I believe that he thinks he's doing the right thing because that is the history of abuse an oppression?   Until someone apologizes with and action, a re occuring action, nothing will change. Even if he had nothing to so with it he is Pope. He has the power to really change things. And yes I expect that of him. I expect him to put himself out there and face controversy that is where the healing will really begin.   I respectfully have to say that i do not buy the fact that the Pope's apology is going to do anything. Nor do I believe that going into the polygamy compound and taking all the kids is going to do anything to stop the abuse. Its going to actually cause more problems because those kids are not going to get the care they need because of the abusive foster care system. So that will leave us with more crime and unhappiness in the world.  The abused becomes the abuser and so on so on. real change when people stop acitng all powerful and start seeing people as human. ANd for God's sake jsut let the preists have sex.