in my very strong, humble opinion......

Now I'm no dating specialist, but when you want to go out with someone, complaining and then insulting them is not the best move. Some guy wanted to go out with me, and after an attempt to meet me  at a premiere that he missed because he was stuck in Chicago,being the kind person that I am i gave him another shot, but my gut told me he could be a little flighty so I chose to speak to him on the phonebefore meeting him. So, Fri he called, the first thing he did was complain about the price of apartments in NYC and how he can't be the only white guy in his neighborhood. Then he proceeded to tell me that he has a job in show business that he hates but it pays the bills. Then, then , he says "sorry i didn't know who you are but i googled you and you are very opinionated, but i want to see (and I quote) "it" live.  I pleasantly said good bye and formed the very strong opinion that he will never ever see any of "it" live. 

Post pardum femenism

Ughhh I have been trying to avoid this for many years now but as an artist i often find myself compelled to write something and today is one of those days.  I just finished reading an article in New York Magazine by a woman who was trying to say that stress is not the reason we get sick.  Her reasoning is that if that were the case, then that would mean it was women's fault. Here goes....................................................................................................................................................................... It kinda is,  we ruined it for ourselves with this whole we can do anything attack that we surged years ago. Now we're fucked. We're grumpy and sad and lonely and stuck. and the misogyny is sometimes worse form  women then men. It is true, women have it harder, believe me, I do stand up, i know. But i refuse to be a victim and I refuse to be pigeon holed. I also read and article about tiger woods. when he was growing up the kids in the neighborhood tied him to a tree and spray painted him with the word nigger. He also had a stutter and was incredible shy so he took public speaking course. I watched the Williams sisters at Wimbledon this weekend and both of them won two black girls from the hood in fancy London tournament kicking ass and taking names. And the girl who just broke the world record in swimming competing for the Olympics last night, 5 years ago had a melt down at the Olympics now she's on top of the world. It made me think about Billy Jean king and how she said when a tennis player has a weakness it only gets stronger if you go right at it. It doesn't get stronger if you go around it. If being a woman is a weakness it's not going to change is we go around it we need to go right at it.

For Lauren

On Memorial Day a friend of mine  was jogging with her boyfriend around the reservoir in Central park and drop dead of a heart attack, she was 27 years old. Last fri was her memorial, the same day Tim Russert dropped dead of a heart attack. As I sat thought the  Memorial I thought of my friend Lauren and the last time I saw her. She walked up to me and gently whispered in my ear that i was an angle. I didn't take it in because my heart still stays closed sometimes when gentleness comes my way.  But as  I watched the montage of her life and listened to the kind words from all her friends and her boyfriend I let my heart soften. I thought that's what she would want, I've decided to keep it open until the day that i'm am done running and my heart closes for the last time.

no more tix for me to crazytown

I cannot believe that i am in charge of myself. I know that sounds crazy, but i feel like just recently  realized that i am the only person who can make my life or break it. It is definitely a maturity thing. I think it was more comfortable for me to stay small and think that others have it all figure out than to see the world and my self honestly.  The reasons i held on to that idea for so long were a.) because yes i didn't want to take responsibility for myself and my life. And b.) I don't think i i was strong enough to really see the world the way it really is and live in it just that way. It used to exhaust me because part of me was broken but there was also a part of me breaking myself. I always thought i was going to either end up homeless or like one of those crazy aunts that live in the back room because they can't take care of themselves. Well there is a new sheriff in town and she's got her big girl pants on and her vision is 20/20. I am amazed at how many people want you to stop being, to literally stop living so they don't have to feel bad about themselves. They blame their bad behavior on you're pure existence. Example number one. I got a post from some girl from Dorchester who literally told me not to come back becausei blogged about being treated poorly. (excuse the pun)  She said it was unfair of me to step back into the lives of the people i grew up with. ( see paying for poverty) She literally blamed me, for them making fun of me. Her solution is that i stay away and then she said that it was unfair of me to blog about it. LMAO. Is that not the epitome of abuse" i will abuse you whenever and however i want and you cant' say anything about it." Example number two: this guy straight up lied to me about being at my show. He told me he was there with his family. Well, that night there was a small crowd so and i knew everybody in the audience and none of them were there.  So flash forward to last night. He facebooks me and asks me to do him a favor. He asked me because i am really good at what he needed done. which in turn would make him look good. So i say  no not since you lied to me i don't want to do you any favors.  He responds "that's the spirit" LMAO again. The balls. The lying isn't event he wost part. It's that he thought it was okay to come back and ask me for a favor. (BTW in the past i would've done it. )  And example number three: the paparazzi, they literally say that if celebs choose to be famous the paps should be able to invade their privacy and safety. I THINK NOT! Umm i bet those paps all listen to the music and watch the movies and tv shows that these celebs create. So, let me get their thinking straight, no one should be famous, because fame causes them to be abusive.  And i should never go back to Boston unless i want to be abused, and people should lie and then you should do them favors or you are not spirited. hmmm  Well all i can say is you better be nice to me or I'm gonna blog about it:) Whatevs I do what i want.  

Maybe I'm wrong, George Clooney is God

Myanmar was mangled this weekend. There is a  God, i know it and he has a wife "mother nature" and they took care of that business over there in this weekend. I believe with my whole heart and soul that evil will be brought to the light, always. There is a line in the Road Less Traveled that says often times the nurosis we create to avoid pain in often 10 times greater than the pain we would have to go through if we just felt it." Ten times..................  Its just like a criminal who wants to get caught, and runs and runs and runs hurting people while leaving clues all along the way instead of just turning himself in.  Those oppressors brought that devastation on themselves and maybe with a little help from George Clooney, but those ads hadn't even starting running.

never ever ever kill

I do not believe in the death penalty never ever ever. If anyone watched 60 minutes on Sun night they saw a bunch of guys who had spent half their lives in prison for crimes they never committed.  Which means there were a few innocents killed as well. One of the guys was in jail for 27 years. Every time he came up for parole they said if he would just admit that he did it, he would get out, because by admitting his guilt it would show that he was willing to change. A few months ago they swabbed the inside of his mouth and the next week he was free. But what is freedom when you have lost your life? When asked why he never admitted to it just to get out he said that "sometimes your word is all you have." I just wonder why he didn't use his words beforehand?  Its as if he helped the system bury him alive. I would like to think that if something like  this happened to me i would fight harder to be heard. But, i am a woman who was lucky enough to break out of the shame that was passed on to me. So, I question that by not admitting to it and wasting his life in jail, is that not a twisted viture which is actually  just a veil for shame?

Burma vs Kansas

There is an article in today's New York Times Styles section about the celebrities campaign to stop the oppression in Burma aka Myanmar. They are campaigning to on YouTube to fight against the oppression and stand for human rights in Burma. Ummmmmmmmmm people in our country don't have health insurance, they are loosing their homes because of a mortgage crisis and they can't afford gas to get the to work.  What about the fact that the moratorium for the death penalty has been lifted because they found that freezing a person before they kill them is in fact a human way to kill someone. Did i just write" a humane way to kill someone" in the same sentence?  I got to make my own sign for YouTube it says put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child!!! And........... the article also says; "that after three decades of isolationist totalitarian rule and multiple coups, the country held free elections in 1990. The national league for democracy, led by Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, won 82 percent of the parliamentary seats but the junta refused to relinquish power." Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi, (A Nobel peace prize winner for her expression of non violence) has been under house arrest for 12 of the last 18 years.  They say that even people who know about her, can't pronounce her name.  ( ung san su kee is my guess)  Ummmm because they are too busy pronouncing Al Gore and Superdelegates. In this great USA woman still get paid less then men for the exact same jobs.  And on the cover of AOl today there is picture of a man who locked his daughter in the house for 24 years.................................. I'm sure she is not getting a Nobel peace prize for her non vilolent time spent.

 

a hostage to ego or a host to spirit?

I watched real sports on HBO the other night. There was a story about a black guy (I don't remember his name) who was a great basketball player in high school and had all the colleges in the country after him. But before he could get there, he made a mistake and ended up in jail  7 years later one of those coaches from one of those colleges came a lookin. ( he happened to be white) He looked over the inmates record and realized that he was up for parole two years earlier so, essentially he was serving time he didn't need to.  They got a lawyer and the man was released. But before he could go to back to the Midwest town to play basketball the coach had to put his life on the line as collateral. If the ex inmate committed any criminal activity the coach would be run out of town. As it turns out there was never any criminal activity and the guy was thought to be drafted by the NBA. He wasn't, and it was a direct result of his record. He ended up playing basketball over seas, made tons of money, saw the world and bought the company that his mother used to work for, who is now running it. When Brian Gumble asked him what was better playing int he USA or Paris France he did not hesitate "Paris France" he replied with a huge smile.  I was in tears at this point barely able to see the TV screen through my tear soaked eye glasses. Then to top it off the guy donates shoes to the team every year and he is going back to college to get a degree so he can become a social worker. I was so moved at this guys lack of ego. I can't even say if i myself wouldn't have been trapped by my own regret of never making it to the NBA. But then i realized that those resentments are just invisible bars. If he made it to the NBA he might never have even left the country. He has seen the world and developed a loving relationship with another human being, who happens to be of another race. He made a mistake but it didn't ruin his life because he chose to be a host to the spirit instead of a hostage to the ego and now, he can pay it it forward.