Give it to me slowly..

It has taken me forever to learn that but I'm getting it and loving it all at the same time. Actually I think slowly=pleasure in all aspects of my life. When I go fast with anything I'm not respecting my own humanity and when I don't respect my own I don't respect others.

To plow (, excuse the pun) through anything can pretty much guarantee that it will end badly.

The tortoise won the race yet it's hard to live it.

Going fast seems a way to avoid feelings but in actuality it makes me have many more and ussually they are way worse.

Which brings me to a line from the book The Road Less Traveled that changed my life. It says that often time the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have to feel if we just went through it.

I know I've written about this before but , the more I live the more I see how important that line is.

To care that much about myself to go slow and let my feelings come up and go so that I can act in reality is about the most amazing thing ever.

There is no money in the world that could make me feel the way i feel when I handle my self with dingity and respect. Which in turn makes me treat others the same.

It comes full circle.

Road Less Traveled... 15.95

Therapy............. a bunch of money.

Me, who was socialized through abuse, having the ability to give and receive love...PRICELESS

My show

I am so grateful to all the people who have seen my show far. Last night, before I went on stage, I thought about how awesome it is that so many people have come to support me. The journey has been long and sometimes so hard, both emotionally and physically, but I am able to feel the joy as well .Last night before I hit the stage I thought about how lucky I was to be able to go on for an hour and a half and say and do what I want. So many performers out there would love to have such a vehicle. In the past I would have seen it so differently. I would have been worried that more people didn't come. Or why did I have to do it all by myself? But now I'm so proud that I'm doing it all by myself because I'm the only one who can do it. I'm completely in charge of myself, always. No one is coming to save me so I've saved myself. It feels so gratifying to be doing something with my life that means something.

putting myself out there part 2

I just got the nicest message on facebook. I know lots of people are afraid of it, but I've re connected with so many people. It's proven to be the opposite for me. I have had made so many connections with people from the past. Most of them have helped me realize that even though I felt so bad inside growing up, it wasn't necessarily how people experienced me. I always thought I never meant anything to anyone and I'm finding out that it's the complete opposite. Even old boyfriends I would have told you that they all left me and could car less but I'm finding out that the opposite is true with them as well. And you know what? I'm able to feel it now. I am worth it people should miss me cause I put myself out there and I really, really do care and I have a tremendous capacity for forgiveness. I have decided that experience is the meaning of life. Sharing authentic moments with people is the most rewarding thing I can do. And also it's great for my self esteem because it helps me realize that what's in my head isn't always what's real but the only way I can find that out is if I put myself out there.

putting yourself out there without a net..

In February I put together a story telling event called Hope Trumps Fear. I hosted it and started the show off with a story about how I found out who I am through a tremendous amount of hard work. I think the line that got the biggest laugh was "being authentic is exhausting." I didn't mean it to be funny. I really, really meant it. I used to stand on stage at comedy clubs doing my "act" and my insides would literally be pushing to come out.

It was the craziest feeling. I would be on stage getting huge laughs and my insides would be saying I don't want to do this I want to just talk.

My whole stand up career I've been different. The first time I was on stage at my comedy class the teacher was amazed at my honesty.

But then it was as if my past just repeated itself through my show biz career. Others told me not to talk about certain things and that I should have more Jokes.

I listened and the result was my standing on a stage wrestling with myself.

I have had more people ask me why I haven't done a half hour for comedy Central.

Last year I tried. I put together a half hour and the executives came out to see me.

They're response was "Sue is hilarious, but we don't know what to do with her energy."

Ha hahahahaha that was the first time I hear it, and believed and was kinda proud of it.

I used to try to put myself in a box so that I could fit in.

I thought I was weird, or "too much" that's what my Dad told me.

More on this tomorrow................

i would...

Be kind.... that's what I would do if wasn't afraid.  The thing that brings me the most joy in life is remaining kind under all circumstances. And yes it's for other people, but it's also for myself. I find it a true test of love to be able to remain open and kind no matter how mean others can be.

That does not mean that I allow people to be nasty or unkind to me; it means that I try to use my courage to stand up to their nasty with gentleness. And sometimes gentleness can be mean being firm.

The only time I find myself not acting with a generous spirit is when I am scared. And the fear is that I will not have the courage to hold on to myself. That I will give in to the darkness.

By either shutting down completely, or acting out. When I have the courage to shwo up, and treat myself with kindness, it usually dictates how others treat me.

Sometimes I have to pause and wait for the emotions to die down, but then I show up and I continue the conversation. I show people that the light can win. I show them that they have kindness in them as well, because if they didn't, they wouldn't respond to mine.

I would continue to have the courage  to show my own kindness in order for others to see  theirs.

That is what I would do if I wasn't afraid.

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

comments please............

Roger is the man!!

Federer Amazing Shot at the US Open 2009 semifinal

I cannot watch this guy without crying. He is the epitome of class.

A few years ago, everyone was talking about him, saying he was not human.

Uh? It's quite the contrary, it's his ability to embrace his humanity that makes him so spectacular.

He was not always as good as he is now and he knew it. He knew he needed work so he went after it. He worked on his game and got really good.

There are two tennis analogies that I always remember when I am in the depths of despair, filled with fear, thinking that I am not strong enough to make  it.

The first is when a tennis player had a weakness if the try to go around it, it gets weaker, so they have to go straight at it in order to strengthen it.

The second is something that I heard Billy Jean King when she was describing her plan to play Bobby Riggs.

She initially thought she was going  to go at him aggressively, but once she hit the court, she switched her plan. She decided to make him run and run and run, and eventually he tired himself out.

I apply this to my life constantly, being aggressive = stupidity, it's a sign of a lack of emotional strength. You will always burn yourself out and lose.

Also the ability to be flexible and change your plan under extreme pressure show a looseness that anyone could benefit from.

The night before my second audition for the movie "The Fighter" I sat in my hotel room over looking the Charles River and watched last year's Wimbledon's match between Nadal and Fed.

I lay there thinking, yeah they can have their coaches,their families and their girlfriends in the stands but when it comes  down to it, they are the ones on the court.

They are the ones who have to show up for themselves.

Fed lost, and he handled it with such grace that I took that with me into the audition the next day.

I got the part, but even if I didn't, I would have been proud of myself because I showed up for myself and I would have handled my defeat with the same grace and dignity that Roger did because it's all part of the journey.

If you let the defeats harden you, you get stuck in the past and your not available to show up for the future.

Every time I grow a have a weakness come up that needs to be strengthen and sometimes i  look silly exposing it but the long term gain is so worth a little short term uncomfortableness.

Roger's journey brought him to yesterday, where he was loose enough to he hit a shot between his legs and it was in!!

Who knows, maybe it was pure luck,but the most important part of that whole shot was that he laughed about it.

Because for me, to be that great is not the reward, to be that great and be able to enjoy it and not take yourself so seriously is the true gift!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

no guts no glory

to continue about money... I find it interesting that everything good can be used as a weapon. Sex, love, money, words, God.  The only way it can't be is if it comes from love. And I know alot of people consider themselves loving people,and I can only speak from myself, but  alot of times when I thought I was being "loving" I was really being controlling.

I even think about the point I made in my last post about how I paid people not to beat me. Even that is controlling, or the illusion of control. Because lately I really am starting to believe that everything is and illusion.

Everything but love. LOVE is the only thing that is real and because love it truth if you really dig to get rid of anything that isn't love only the truth will stick.

I'm amazed at how much I have tried to control the outcome of any situation. Weather it be "if I just had money I would feel better" or" if I just had a boyfriend" or "If I just got that job."

LOL in all honesty, all, and I mean all, of my opinions were based on nothing. I literally think I made them up in my head and then pushed them so hard that I usually did get what I wanted, but it wasn't what I needed.

I thought if I was rich, if I was this that, blah blah and, and, and, I had all that all of it, and adulation on top of it. And guess what? I  couldn't feel any of it.

I had to strip away all of it, to get to the root of the problem. Just like an excavator, i dug and dug using different tools along the way, and when i got close to my core i only needed a slight brush.

And like with any treasure, the discovery usually brings money. And I'm ready for it, because it will all be used from a place of love.