$ is an extention of my guts....

Have you ever been around a cheap person? If you have, then you know that it does not feel good.  The level to which you really feel it, depends on how much you are in your body. And of course, how much $ runs your own life. If you are full of fear, then you might hoard your money, if you are insecure and want people to like you, you might spend to much. If you are scared, you might  pay people off so you don't have to set boundaries, by using your words which is how I have operated in the past. I guess its all a lack of boundaries giving too much and withholding. I had a friend who once told me that whenever I'm confused to follow the money.

I bet if everyone really looked at their money habits they would directly correlate with their personal relationships.

I think money needs to be respected, but the only way to have respect for money, is if you have respect for yourself.

Hmmm sounds heavy right. I know. I mean we need money to survive, but where are not supposed to base out survival on it.

Great ,now how do we do that? I'm not professing to be a money expert, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that for me, the closer I get to my authentic self the less the money seems to be an issue.

I am starting to realize my own value and that is manifesting it monetarily And because i know my likes and dilikes I'm not as swayed by keeping up with the jones'. That was all fear based. when i was a kid I wanted one nice thing for Christmas and my mother would buy me 10 shitty things. Now i buy myself one nice thing. The thought that i used to shop every day slays me. I hate shopping now!!! So it' pretty obvious that that wasn't who i was at my core (nature), it was something that I adapted from my nurture.

My whole life I have been terrified of money, so much that i used to pay a business manager 5% of my income just to pay my bills. And even then I banked in Florida while living in nyc!

Talk about neurotic...... the road less traveled says that often times the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have felt if we just faced our fears.

More on this tomorrow... in the meantime I'd love to hear your thoughts about your fear surrounding money....

lonely girl

okay it's Tues and i promisedm but I've been writing the end of minus 32 million words all day so i only got a minute.I was so lonely last night. Whew it was the end of the summer and i felt it. This summer I had a great time. I worked hard and played hard. So last night I let myself just feel it. I took care of myself by going to yoga but i really just let the feeling wash over me. As i was doing that, I was thinking that probably everybody across the country was prob feeling the same way. Energy is a really powerful thing and it was in the air last night. So cool that i can just sit in it because guess what? it passed. today I woke up and had so much energy and the writing just started to pour out of me. So I guess the moral of the story is .. the darker the dark the lighter the light... all you have to do is sit still and feel it!!!

a few sniglets ...

I couldn't resist....I had lots of fun last night but I must say it was weird when my two worlds collided. I went to party in downtown Boston last night and I walked in and this kid yells out uh oh New York City in the house..... Maybe thats what happens after a while... I have always identified myself as being from Boston but 15 years in NYC might do that to you. It's almost half my life... Anyway it was fun and this guy Paul whipped off his watch, handed it to me and busted a move....He was break dancing old school for a good five minutes. Brought my right back to the days of dance factory here in Boston. So I guess you can take the girl outta Boston but you can't take the Boston outta the girl.......

I'm a bad bad girl...

I don't know what happened but I got busy and I haven't been blogging. I miss it and you! Please don't loose faith in me I will be back in the saddle on tues and ready to rip it. In the meantime enjoy the last two days of summer. Tues I will write all about my escapades. One of them including seeing some of the best golfers in the world up close and personal. Not to diminish they're skills but they do have some nice booty's.

bad driver gettin better...

Ah ha, I'm in LA and I've been having a grand old time freshening up my driving skills. I will tell you one thing GAWD do I LOVE to LAUGH. Even if it's at my own expense. Actually let me re phrase that especially if it's at my own expense. I was out with Martin Snow the other night, he's the guy who taught me how to box in NYC. He opened a Trinity here in west Hollywood, so I went to work out then we went out to eat.

When I walked into the gym he started yelling "the mighty Sue Costello is here!" and then immediately started teasing me." Namaste sue, " making fun of the fact that I have practicing yoga instead of boxing for the past couple of years.

When we were done, he asked me to drive, now Martin is like 6"7 200 plus pounds and I'm a shrimpy. We get into the car and I tell him that he is a brave one, because I'm not a great driver. He says, "stop how bad can you be? we are only going up the street."

AHAHHAHAHAHA well didn't he find out. We went to eat and I had a hard time parking, and then while we were eating i got nervous that I left the lights on so I got up and ran. The back lights were not on so I asked him if that meant they were off. He said "yes." Well, when we finished, we walked to the car and the inside light was on, I got nervous and asked him, "is the battery dead?" and he was like "Sue the light wouldn't be on." LOLOLOL

Then he wanted to get frozen yogurt so off we went, I got us lost and turned to late then we had to go around like Chevy chase in vacation. "look kids big ben," Then after the frozen yogurt, I couldn't get the car to start. He checked it for me and said it was fine, then i couldn't get it again lol Finally, I figured it out, I wasn't pushing the brake down far enough.

More on this tomorrow...

I almost forgot for a sec..

that the dark never wins...... But, I am amazed at how strong the pull to the dark can be, in the moment it seems easier and quicker; even less painful,  but in the long run, it turns on you, blinds you, then fills you with fear. This week I had a lot, I mean a lot of dark energy coming my way. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like it takes over and I'm not myself anymore.

When it's coming straight at me It feels so strong, like nothing  I could do could stand up to it. But I breathe and I pause and I check my gut and most of the time if  I sit still when i am the most afraid I find my way out of the darkness.

The answers just come to me. The problem is that it's terrifying to sit still when the fear is the greatest but that is when it is most important. I think about what they tell  you if you ever find yourself drowning becuause the current i s pulling you, they say don't fight it go with it. Or how when drunks fall or get into accidents alot of times they have less injurys becuase their body's are loose.

Be still and know that I am just came into my head as I am writing this.

I'm in Los Angeles for work and I cannot believe how different I feel now than I did back a few years ago.

I have no "people"" I challenge myself to show up and be myself and take risks and find my way out of the hole.

I used to feel like I could collapse when I was faced with a situation that scared me.  Or, I would get someone "my people" to do it for me. Thus only putting a band aid on the fear.

Now I walk through it, I sit still, I pray, i ask for help and  I figure it out and the personal growth that I get from it is far more rewarding than any outside accolade i could get

It's like a wound that gets brought to the surface and heals in the air.

omg..

i cant' believe how long it's been since i blogged.... I'm in LA bringing home the bacon and will get back to everyday blogging this afternoon.... I hope all is well with everyone...40 year anniversary of John and Yoko's peace bed in.......

kindness does not equal weakness...

Its quite the contrary, growing up, I learned really quickly not to show any vulnerability, because it would be attacked. As an adult, I can't even imagine who invented that. The only thing I can think of is, way back when, someone couldn't handle their own vulnerability so when someone smaller than them expressed it, they beat it out of them. .

Sometimes it's not so obvious, meaning they don't beat it out of you physically, they try to shame you emotionally. Like with the phrase "you're too sensitive, my response to that now is "yes I am not respect it."

I have found that the better my boundaries, the kinder I can be and the kinder I can be, the further I get. we think that protecting ourselves from showing our vulnerability is keeping us safe , but what it's really doing is making out lives smaller and smaller. Because, vulnerability is the key to love and love is the key  to freedom.

I used to think "Oh my God how am I going to make it in the world? I cant' be kind, because if I am, someone will take advantage of it and use it against me. Or it will make them feel bad about themselves and they will hurt me.

That used to happen all the time. I have an innate pureness to me that I have been shamed for my whole life. I would respond to a situation and someone sitting at a table would respond "we're not all like you Sue!" And I would get scared and shut down because of shame and fear.

Not anymore. I have read about some of the most successful people in the world and you know what they all have in common, they are innately kind people.

But that kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness.

You see, people flock to the kindness, but people who have not found their own purity, try everything to not have to look at themselves.

They try to kill it, they try to take it, and you can try to give to them or hide your own to try to make them feel more comfortable, but, the truth is you can't give a grown person feelings, they have to find it in themselves.

For me, it used to be noone is to be trusted until thy give you a reason to trust and now it's trust everyone until they give you a reason not to.

That doesn't mean give your whole soul to them . It means open you heart as well as your eyes.

There really is no other way, otherwise we sit in fear and never do anything for fear of getting hurt.

Well, getting hurt is part of life and I have a secret, the more you get hurt the less it hurts............... if you continue to grow though it... and stay kind.....

You can't let other peoples hate bury you alive ... you have a choice... let that choice be to be a kind one with boundaries...........