OK back to blogging. I just renewed my hosting package and it costs me an arm and a leg on account of my blog. So, I might as well use it. I'm also going to get back to the business of vlogging because I think I can post them here as well. In the meantime, please follow me on Twitter @suecostello
When my friend laughed the other night I asked her, “Why?” She said, "You say funny things" and all of sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks, that I am a person who has this personality and this spirit that is driven both my heart and my brain, but something even less tangible: LOVE.
It is all housed in this body. To make someone laugh goes beyond anything tangible. It's an unspoken generosity. In order to make someone laugh it needs to be about them, not about you. It's taken me years to start to care about others more than myself, and I could only do that once I started to care about myself. It's deep, I know. But it's also really simple.
Last week I headlined at Gotham and the audience was amazing! All the comics noticed. And I thought, "Yeah, cause they are Kadoozie Kadets :) These people are here to see me." I have nurtured my relationship with them. I have given to them and now they are coming out to see me. It's a mutual respect thing.
Then, I sat and watched the comics. The more laughs they got, the more they loosened up and were funny and the more the audience laughed. Someone said, "Sue, this is fun" and I said "Yeah, look, that's how it should be: one person gives and the others accept and send it back!!!”
That night I looked up existential , and this is what is said: (adjective) pertaining to existence.
Is it crazy that I am finally realizing that I exist? And, and, and, that I can really make a difference? I might be small, but I can do big things :)
I love me some ART. It inspires me so much! The ICA had a pork rind with the words doy fe meaning by my will I attest inscribed on it. Gabriel Kuri saying he does what he wants! Like DuChamp with the toilet or Banksy with Mr. Brainwash. Imagine if it was that easy to say "I'm worth it."
I attest by my will that I'm worth it and your whole world turns on it's axle? I just started to learn about art, like 6 years ago. I was really intimidated so I asked my friend to teach me about one artist at a time. I saw Basquiat in LA. The wall description said his work was all about the tragedy of the unrealized human potential and I almost fell on the floor crying.
Then I went to the MOCA and saw a short film of Picasso. It was right when film had just come out so it was measured by feet. He was sitting in his underwear painting and the director was telling him to "Hurry up" and I thought, Ha! Even Picasso has to deal with others trying to push his art for their benefit.
Then I was in London at a billionaire’s house and I was looking at his paintings. He saw me, came over and asked, "Do you know who that is?" I said, "Yeah, Picasso."
Tonight and tomorrow night I will perform my show Minus 32 Million Words. So today I go to yoga and take very good care of myself. I used to get so nervous and worry all day. By the time showtime came I would be exhausted and so filled with fear that my performance suffered. Anyone who has seen my show knows that from an early age I was taught that God likes us to suffer. Well, seems like my life has to get to the point before my show does and in the show I am trying to reveal that there is no reason for it to suffer and in actuality it makes everyone’s life worse. I could get into the S&M theory I have about it but I'll save that for a day when I have more time. The long and short of it is, the less I torture myself, the more I have to give. Life should be easy but it's really hard to get to that.
So I had a dream the other night that I was in a yoga class and instead of using my yoga mat the long way, I was using it the short way, meaning, only my hands were on the mat, and someone else was on the mat with with me. In the dream I was frustrated that my lower body was on the floor instead of on the cushioned mat and that the person on the end of my mat was the reason for this.
I let it go on for half the dream until I opened my mouth to the person on the end and said, "I know that it's easier for you to balance while you are on my mat, but I need my whole mat in order to have a productive practice."
It may not sound like a lot to you, but I woke from that dream thinking it was the most profound dream I have ever had.
You see my compassion for others has sometimes gotten in the way of me taking care of myself. In the dream I was able to feel compassion for the person but still do what was right for me.
Trading my own necessities for someone else's comfort doesn't work for either of us.
The reality is, practicing yoga helps you find your balance, so whomever was on the other end of my mat needed to be set free to find their own strength. Because really, what would happen to them if I didn't make it to class one day?
I have lots to say, tomorrow will be about the yoga mat and how I own it.
Hi y’all! Whew what a whirlwind of a month!!! Please go see The Fighter — everyone in it is awesome and if you're around tonight come see me headline at Gotham!! Also I write a lot during the day on my FB page so friend me there :)
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how long it has taken me to have my insides match my outsides. For so long they were not matching up. Whether it was that externally, I looked bad and felt OK on the inside, or vice-versa. I have made it a point in my life to search for my true self.
Since I was a kid I wanted to do it, which is weird because as a kid you have not become yourself yet; you are still developing. But this just backs up my whole theory that you are born a fully realized person, but that person gets lost in the socialization process.
I bought a t-shirt in Fanuel Hall when I was a teenager that said, "I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul." I never knew where that quote came from until I watched Invictus the other night. http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/william-ernest-henley/invictus/
I felt like my equilibrium had been rocked. I had no idea that that quote was going to be the precursor for my entire journey. I sat on my couch and thought, Nelson Mandela spent 30 years in a prison cell because of something he believed in. If he can do that, then surely I can stand to have a few uncomfortable feelings.
That's what it takes to change: the ability to have uncomfortable feelings and to tolerate them over and over again until the new becomes the norm. It sometimes feels excruciating but, for me, the end result has been love.
I had it all twisted inside. What was love hurt and what was bad felt good. I kept going though, no matter what.
I used to stand on stage doing my "act" and feel my insides wanting to push out. I wanted to do more, say more, be more.
A lot of what has been happening to me lately is that I'm realizing that I've always been who I wanted to be. I just didn't allow myself to feel it because I didn't think I deserved it. And sometimes society likes to have us believe that we are not safe if we love and forgive. Well, I disagree wholeheartedly.
I'm not saying nothing should bother you — actually, it's quite the contrary. You should go through all your feelings so you can eventually know who you are and what you feel instead of having others tell you.
When I first moved to NYC I was teaching aerobics to these kids from broken homes. There were 2 programs — one in Hell’s Kitchen for very small kids and one in Harlem girls 13 and 14.
I taught the one in Hell's Kitchen. The guy who taught the class in Harlem was one of Madonna's back-up dancers. I had never met him but one day I got a call that he had quit and my first thought was, I can't leave those girls like that. People have probably abandoned them their entire lives. I can't teach the class but I sure can go up there and end it respectfully.
So on the train I went. I got off at the stop and got lost. I saw a gangsta-looking guy leaning against a mailbox. He was the angriest looking dude I'd ever seen, and I've seen some angry dudes. I walked right up to him and said, "Excuse me, do you know where such and such address is?"
He looked at me like I was CRAZY! Like, how dare she talk to me, no one talks to me. But then all of a sudden, his face softened, he cracked a smile and gave me the directions.
I walked into the class and these young girls looked and acted like they were in their 20's. They were all Latino and African American. They did not trust me at all. They had walls up so high that I thought I'd never get through to them.
Well, my instincts told me to be goofy and goofy I was. I started doing the worm on the floor and within seconds they went from being hardcore women, to the silliest, most vulnerable teenagers I'd ever laid eyes on.
I told them that we were going to have to cancel the class but I wanted to respect them and come up and tell them myself. I wanted them to know that they were important, and that it wasn't because of them that the class was canceled so abruptly; it was because of someone else's lack of professionalism.
I think about how fearless I was that day because I knew what I was doing was right. And how I trusted my instincts and how I was goofy and how even the angriest man in the world helped me. Back then, I had no problem doing such a thing for others but now I'm learning to do it for myself as well. Im learning to show up for myself even when circumstance happen beyond my control. I'm also learning not to internalize other’s bad behavior.
Because really, the more I do it for myself the more I can share it with others. I will add to the peace in the world instead of adding to the chaos. And that is all I have ever wanted to do, and I can now because "I am the master of my fate and I am the captain of my soul."