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this sums up my personality to a T

OK, so I have been owed residuals for a while from a TV show I did. I knew they were way behind so I called AFTRA. I was nervous about the tenacity that this was going to require because my new way of taking care of myself — "showing up and not being a victim" — means lots of calls and lots of uncomfortable feelings but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Well, they put me through to the person who monitors such things. She told that there are all sorts of penalties for late payments as well. I was so excited. Finally, I have learned how to take care of myself and also isn't this why I pay dues to belong to a union to protect me from this?

Anyway, this went on for months. I was great, I followed up, I called, I asked for what I needed and what I thought was right in a calm manner, all the while understanding that things take time and that people are only human and red tape can be a huge hold up. But I trudged on.

Finally, I got an email that my check had arrived. I was like "Yes!!" This whole “taking care of myself” thing does work, it is worth it.

I was so excited about the prospect of this check that I couldn't wait. I had to call to see how much it was for. I mean, with all the penalties and all my hard work I knew it was gonna be huge...

I call and I say "Hi so and so, it's Sue Costello. I'm so excited that my check finally came. Can you tell me how much it's for?" …like we've known each other for years or that she cares.

She says, "Hold on" and comes back on the line and says "Sue, I got good news and I got bad news."

I say, "Lay it on me.” She says, "Well the good news is, I got your check. The bad news is, it's for $20."

All I could do was laugh and my laughter was contagious, she started laughing too. I said, "Well 20 bucks is better than nuthin." And she said, "Yeah it is."

Well, yesterday I called back, I said, "Hi so and so, it's Sue Costello and I spent my 20 bucks, you got anything else for me?"

She laughed so hard and said, "Hold on" and came back and sure enough there were two more checks. She cared. She was happy that she had more moolah for me on account of I was so nice and I made her laugh.

You get more with honey than vinegar and Patience is a virtue and don't shoot the messenger and all that other good stuff is true.

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Alexander technique

The Alexander Technique is a posture technique that I dabbled in a few years ago. I took a bunch of private sessions until one day, I felt like my insides were on the outside of my body and I quit. I wasn't ready to feel that open and vulnerable in the world.

That being said, I've been doing yoga for years now and am almost back to that point again. It's been a slower process and I'm more comfortable with it. I've been able to control it a little more and get comfortable with it at different stages.

There is a lot of talk about opening the heart in yoga and how your heart should be aligned with your pelvis and I feel like that is such a metaphor for life. The more I open my heart, the more my hips open and the sexier I feel. I also feel more sexy when I have healthy boundaries. I think I should care about the people I share my body with. I think I should care enough about myself as well.

I was thinking as I wrote Alexander Technique that it sounded sexual. It kinda is.

Think about what happens to us when we get old. We literally curl over; we cover our hearts and yoga teaches you to fight that, to keep your heart open. There has been many studies that say that people who live into the 100's do it by continuing to have sex.

I remember after 9/11 I went downtown to help serve food to the firemen. The were all flirting with me. I told my therapist at the time that I couldn't believe that these guys were flirting while they were in so much grief. Her response was, "Yes because sex is life." And I thought, Of course it is, that's how babies are made.

I have gone so deep in my yoga practice that I can feel that there is a knot in my heart. I've been working really hard to loosen that knot. The looser I am, the freer I feel, the sexier I am.

I have less aggression, I have more love to share and it makes me human. We are, after all, the only animals with our hearts on the front of our bodies.

Sexy, loving and respectfully connect with one another. Choose who to share your body and your heart with but by all means share it, or it will curl over and die.

I'm going to give the Alexander Technique a sex position name: it means having sex with your heart and not just dumping your aggression into another human.

expose thyself

I was thinking about how much I sometimes avoid writing on this blog. My new discipline is to write first thing before I do anything else. I was thinking about how much it's a metaphor for life.

Communication is the biggest problem in all relationships. People don't say enough or they say too much. People hear things through the eardrum of their past experience. Facebook has taught me a lot about this. I can post something and people will comment and not even read what I write. They're impulse is to react. I realize that that is why most people don't like to put themselves out there. It's a scary prospect.

Imagine being vulnerable and having someone crazy attack you? It's the same in intimate  relationships. Someone once taught me that people need to hear things 3 times because their past clouds their present. I have come to realize this to be true. Most of the time if I don't react and say what I'm trying to say, in a calm voice, 3 times, people eventually hear me. The courage that it takes to trust that I deserve to be heard is like no other. But the benefits are astounding.

I always thought why bother? Why bother trying to talk if no one will listen. I realize that I was coming from a childish place. I wanted people to read my mind. I didn't want to have to exert myself to get what I wanted.

Well welcome to the more mature suecostello.com! I will expose myself on a daily basis and if for some reason you read it the wrong way, I'll try to elaborate; if for some reason we don't connect, it's OK too. Live and let live!! I love that saying, i just never realized I was only doing the second part. In order to live you have to be seen and you have to be seen over and over because most people are thinking about themselves.

fear

When I get scared I try to control things and of course, because I can't ,that makes me get aggressive. And then I push away any joy or love I was after to begin with. They say a control freak can completely control themselves out of a life. I know for me when I try to control things I feel miserable and I look miserable, but when I let go and surrender into my humanity and open my heart, life happens beautifully. In a much more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. This doesn't mean people do what I want: it means I do what I want, which means to just get the hell out of the way of everything. I exert myself then I let go. I feel it all — good, bad and indifferent. The more I feel, the less fear runs my life. I used to spend my whole life trying to avoid feelings. I'm sure everyone can understand the romantic feelings. I was thinking this morning how much my desperate needy feelings come up during this time. I used to be aggressive to overcompensate and, in turn, pushed people away. Or I would do the opposite: completely avoid those feelings altogether. Now I can sit still, witness them, and know that they are old feelings and have nothing to do with how lovable I really am. Then I can show up lovable and attract that which I used to repel. Plus the more you get hurt the less it hurts :)

sharing is caring...

If I give you something, I give it to you from my heart. Therefore you should cherish it with your heart. It is better for everyone involved. If you use it for your own gain it may sadden me, but you lose in the long run because what I have to offer is something very special.

I have always been someone who cared about people and wanted them to feel good but when I was younger I gave into my own insecurities. People would shame me because of my love and I wasn't strong enough to stand up to it with grace, so hid it and became what others wanted me to be so they could feel better about themselves. I would go very fast in everything I did, never stopping to look at things and never feeling worthy to care for myself. I wholeheartedly believe that going fast with anything is just a manifestation of self-hatred.

I am amazed lately as my career is taking off again by what happens to people when it comes to fame. There have been 3 instances lately where I genuinely shared a personal moment with them and they took it and immediately thought, How can I use this for myself? How can I get myself attention with this. They don't get it. They block their own love when they act like that. They actually push away the exact thing that they are trying to attract.

When my career took off earlier in life I didn't see any of this because it all happened so fast. Now the process is slower and it's really hard to see this about people, but it's the only way I can protect myself. Early on I would shut down and not give to people anymore, but I'm the one who suffered from that. I used to think if you can't beat ‘em you might as well join ‘em, but then I was trapped by it all.

It makes me feel free to be open. I thought shutting down was protection, but it wasn't. I wasn't seeing people for who they really are. By being honest and genuine and generous with these people they are showing me who they really are. It's like a huge spotlight shining on them and it's coming directly from my heart.

trust your gut

It has taken me 40 years to finally trust what has always been inside of me. I pushed it down because others didn't want me to see it and I pushed it down because I didn't want to see it. If I saw it, then that meant that I could no longer live in a fantasy world. I had to not only see the truth, but now it was up to me to protect myself and keep myself safe. All I'm really talking about is the maturation process — it seems so simple, but so hard to do. To finally realize that no one is coming to save me, that no one — no matter how much they bring into my life — can be the  source of my happiness or survival. And now the drama of immaturity, the drama that I once used to pretend that I had a life, the drama that I used to make me feel alive is gone. It's just me and the Big Guy and that's OK with me. We've done a pretty good job so far. I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.