Hi there

OMG so much has happened since I last blogged. I literally feel like a completely different person. I went through a rough patch for a while there trying to finish my show, but I did it. Minus 32 Million Words is almost perfect:) No, it will never be perfect it's a work in progress, like me.  Which was one of the most profound lessons I have learned on this little journey called life. I also realized that the darker the dark the lighter the light. And if I get out of my own way and accept my humanity, miracles can happen. Perspectives change and your eyes widen to see all the good while still being able to protect yourself from the bad. Allowing others to see me even if it is through my words is the key to life. One word at a timeIi can reveal myself to you with the hope of building a relationship because isolation is the number one killer in this country.  Glad to be back and I promise to try to write every morning even if it's just a little, cause isn't that how the pyramids got built?

Peace,

Sue

we're all gonna get zapped!

Whew what a busy week!!  I went to fire island with the girls to relive some stress before my show and we had such a great time. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard. And the water was beautiful!!  You coudn't even feel the salt on your body or in your hair when you dried off.  Anyway, coming home on Fri the train was delayed because someone got hit. When we got on the train the passangers we quite disgruntled it was 7:30pm and they had been on the train since 2pm. Yes it was crowded and an inconvienent but someone could be dead, i'm sure his plans were much more affected.  Ok, so we finally make it to Penn Station and everyone is pushing and as i'm trying to get up the stairs these two huge women push through for no appaorent reason and knock me over. My toenail breaks and ruins my perfect pedicure. But in a second i am alright because i am grateful that my whole toenail doesnt come off. Then, as we are walking down the street a guy has a full on seizure right beside me, he made a buzzing sound before he fell to the ground. I felt soooo bad. He got up and I asked him if he was ok and if he needed me to call an ambulance. He looked so vulnerable, and said yes i had a seizure. It seemed to me that this was not his first and i wanted to give him a hug. I thought it must be so scary to walk around your whole life not knowing when you're going to be zapped and flung to the ground. And then i thought what am i talking about like I'm a immune? Or anybody i mean a guy just got zapped by the train and the those ladies zapped me in the station. I would have liked a hug when those ladies pushed me. But right as i was about to hug him this guy walks up and starts bossing him around telling him he is a medical "person" and that he should call and ambulance. Ha!! This guy thinks if he acts like a big shot than maybe he can pretend that he's not gonna get zapped himself.  It's so lonely walking around pretending that we aren't susceptible to the zap. It can come at anytime and it's how you handle it that makes for a softer easier way. As I'm writing this i remember walking to yoga last week and this woman punched me in that arm in union square for no reason. At first she scaared the daylights out of me and the woman beside me got scared too because i think she thought i was going to fight her. As soon as she got past me i realized the insanity of it all and laughed so hard and that in turn made the lady beside me laugh. So i guess my point is next time you see somone get zapped, before you laugh, give them a hug!

july 4th independence

I had an AWESOME 4th if July!!!! Wow, Its funny, it didn't look my usual holiday weekends which i always thought were awesome. I usually spend the 4th on Nantucket but this year i chose to say put and finish my show.  It's really cool if you just stay still how much you can get accomplished. Fri morning I played tennis with a guy who's been playing for years and i used to play but haven't for a while. We had so much fun!! He taught me so much and by the end of our two and half hours i was pretty good. I did notice that there were a other woman on the courts playing with their significant others and they were a bit bossy to the boys. Ladies be more gentle on the guys please:)  Then, as we were walking down Madison Ave to brunch it began to rain so i balanced my racquet on my head and this grumpy looking guy was walking towards us and soon as he saw me, he smiled.  Then, as we were eating the guy says to me "Sue i don,t usually play with beginners but that was the most fun I've had in a long time. You're joy is contagious." It made me so happy because i used to be one of those girls who was so afraid and angry that i wouldn't have even been able to show up and in the off chance i did, he would not be telling me that my "joy" was contagious.  I realized I'm a total athlete, yoga every day is not enough i want to play golf next. I used to play with my old boyfriend and his mother but it wasn't the most fun, need i say more.  So, then i come home write some more and then watch the fireworks on my friends roof. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and when i got on the elevator there was a little old lady with an Irish accent and a rain coat. I asked her where she was going and she said she has lived in the building for 36 years and usually she and her husband watch the fireworks from their bedroom but since they moved the barges she needs to go to the roof but there was no hand rail so she wouldn't have been able to get back down. I asked her if and arm would help and she said a good arm would've been great but she declined. Sat i went to yoga, wrote all day and then went to dinner with some friends. And low and behold who was there? Elaine Stritch!!!!!!! Imagine my luck!! I mentioned that I was working on a project that i had been working on for ten years and she said "whatever it is it's going to be huge because as i listen to you talk i am thinking you are like a character from literature who said wait a God damn minute i"m not going to take this negative shit anymore!" My friend Tara knows that the project is my show and it's about exactly what Elaine just described and when i looked over at her she had tears in her eyes.  Then Elaine says you are every lovable and i want to be there opening night.  Sunday morning i get up by 9:00am to watch the men's finals at Wimbledon. And watch I did!!! Fed is my boyfriend!!!!! He is so gracious. Nedal, he pulled it off ,but to lose with such dignity that is the true sign of a winner. I wrote in between and when it was over i cried. Then off to yoga. When I came out of yoga i got a text from my friend Rachel Dratch . She was doing Improv at UCb. I went to the show and she and Amy Pohler are amazing!! I have so much respect for these hilarious, smart women. Rachel tells me Amy wants to see me so i go backstage andshe says "Sue we want you to host!! Oh and another little "show up" story concerning my show. About ten years ago I did a movie with Laurence Fishburne and when i was done he said "Costello don't ever quit, they just don'tget you yet." I walked away feeling complimented but frustrated. I thought whoopiding dong what do I do with that? And once the frustration passed i sat down and began to write my show. So, a couple of weekends ago i go see Thurgood on Broadway.  Before the show started my friend said "Go to the manger and tell her you need to see Laurence afterward. My body was so hot with shame. I was scared he would'nt remember me. But i walked through it and up to the mean lady manager. I said I'd like to say hi to Laurence after the show. She's like " wait outside the side door when it's over and i'll ask him. Well the big bully Italian guys let me in and up I went. As soon as he saw me he hugged me so tight. I said "Laurence if noone has ever told you that you changed their life you changed mine." And he cried. We sat for a while and then he gave his number and told me to call so he can come to the show.  So on Aug 2nd I will be doing my show,  and Aug 3rd I will be hosting UCB. The moral of the story, It's all there for the taking you just have to take the arm when it's offered you'll be amazed at where it leads you.

Its too confusing

My friend has a daughter and from the second she could speak she called me Costello. I think it's because her Dad used to say Sue Costello is coming over and she only heard Costello. Anyway, she is the cutest kid on earth and we have had a special connection since she was born. I've babysat her many times but the most profound time was Sept 12th 2001, it was her first day of school and the day after Sept 11th. I went to the upper east side armed with all my sorrow knowing full well that I would have to hide it when I saw her. It was odd, i lived downtown at the time and the Upper East side seemed much less affected. I walked into the apartment and out she came with her blue dress and blue bow yelling ";Costello's here!" She was so cute i forgot my sorrow for a second. She was so unaffected. For an hour or so we played and then i gave her her sippy cup and she sat in the chair and I on the couch. I picked up the New York Times and there was a list of all the missing people and my heart sunk. She was not even looking at me and at that moment she turned and said Costello are you ok? I means she was  2.   Then when it was time to leave she hugged me for a good five minutes.  Since then we have had many more moments like that. There was the time when she was afraid to take her turtleneck off because her Dad had gotten it stuck on her head one day and now she was shell shocked. I told her not ot worry that if it got stuck Costello would run in the kitchen and get the scissors and cut it off. Through her tears she asked, "Costello do big girls cry?"And then there was the time when we were walking to get the mail in Nantucket and a helicopter flew over head and scared her and i told her that Costello would always protect her.  And the time we were sitting at the dining room table and i said some word and she picked right up on it and asked me what it meant. I can't remember the word but it was one of those words that you really can't describe but i tried and half way through she said "its too confusing!" While circling her fingers around her ears. A year later i was filming Last Comic Standing and they interviewed her, they asked her if she thought Costello was funny and she said "no" and everyone laughed.  A few minutes later she was in the kitchen crying hysterically to her Mom, she felt bad because she didn't mean that i wasn't funny but she wanted to say that i was pretty and she didn't think i could be both. HMMMMMMMMMMM she was three at the time. Did someone teach her that, or was she born with it?   It's too confusing.

in my very strong, humble opinion......

Now I'm no dating specialist, but when you want to go out with someone, complaining and then insulting them is not the best move. Some guy wanted to go out with me, and after an attempt to meet me  at a premiere that he missed because he was stuck in Chicago,being the kind person that I am i gave him another shot, but my gut told me he could be a little flighty so I chose to speak to him on the phonebefore meeting him. So, Fri he called, the first thing he did was complain about the price of apartments in NYC and how he can't be the only white guy in his neighborhood. Then he proceeded to tell me that he has a job in show business that he hates but it pays the bills. Then, then , he says "sorry i didn't know who you are but i googled you and you are very opinionated, but i want to see (and I quote) "it" live.  I pleasantly said good bye and formed the very strong opinion that he will never ever see any of "it" live. 

Post pardum femenism

Ughhh I have been trying to avoid this for many years now but as an artist i often find myself compelled to write something and today is one of those days.  I just finished reading an article in New York Magazine by a woman who was trying to say that stress is not the reason we get sick.  Her reasoning is that if that were the case, then that would mean it was women's fault. Here goes....................................................................................................................................................................... It kinda is,  we ruined it for ourselves with this whole we can do anything attack that we surged years ago. Now we're fucked. We're grumpy and sad and lonely and stuck. and the misogyny is sometimes worse form  women then men. It is true, women have it harder, believe me, I do stand up, i know. But i refuse to be a victim and I refuse to be pigeon holed. I also read and article about tiger woods. when he was growing up the kids in the neighborhood tied him to a tree and spray painted him with the word nigger. He also had a stutter and was incredible shy so he took public speaking course. I watched the Williams sisters at Wimbledon this weekend and both of them won two black girls from the hood in fancy London tournament kicking ass and taking names. And the girl who just broke the world record in swimming competing for the Olympics last night, 5 years ago had a melt down at the Olympics now she's on top of the world. It made me think about Billy Jean king and how she said when a tennis player has a weakness it only gets stronger if you go right at it. It doesn't get stronger if you go around it. If being a woman is a weakness it's not going to change is we go around it we need to go right at it.

For Lauren

On Memorial Day a friend of mine  was jogging with her boyfriend around the reservoir in Central park and drop dead of a heart attack, she was 27 years old. Last fri was her memorial, the same day Tim Russert dropped dead of a heart attack. As I sat thought the  Memorial I thought of my friend Lauren and the last time I saw her. She walked up to me and gently whispered in my ear that i was an angle. I didn't take it in because my heart still stays closed sometimes when gentleness comes my way.  But as  I watched the montage of her life and listened to the kind words from all her friends and her boyfriend I let my heart soften. I thought that's what she would want, I've decided to keep it open until the day that i'm am done running and my heart closes for the last time.

no more tix for me to crazytown

I cannot believe that i am in charge of myself. I know that sounds crazy, but i feel like just recently  realized that i am the only person who can make my life or break it. It is definitely a maturity thing. I think it was more comfortable for me to stay small and think that others have it all figure out than to see the world and my self honestly.  The reasons i held on to that idea for so long were a.) because yes i didn't want to take responsibility for myself and my life. And b.) I don't think i i was strong enough to really see the world the way it really is and live in it just that way. It used to exhaust me because part of me was broken but there was also a part of me breaking myself. I always thought i was going to either end up homeless or like one of those crazy aunts that live in the back room because they can't take care of themselves. Well there is a new sheriff in town and she's got her big girl pants on and her vision is 20/20. I am amazed at how many people want you to stop being, to literally stop living so they don't have to feel bad about themselves. They blame their bad behavior on you're pure existence. Example number one. I got a post from some girl from Dorchester who literally told me not to come back becausei blogged about being treated poorly. (excuse the pun)  She said it was unfair of me to step back into the lives of the people i grew up with. ( see paying for poverty) She literally blamed me, for them making fun of me. Her solution is that i stay away and then she said that it was unfair of me to blog about it. LMAO. Is that not the epitome of abuse" i will abuse you whenever and however i want and you cant' say anything about it." Example number two: this guy straight up lied to me about being at my show. He told me he was there with his family. Well, that night there was a small crowd so and i knew everybody in the audience and none of them were there.  So flash forward to last night. He facebooks me and asks me to do him a favor. He asked me because i am really good at what he needed done. which in turn would make him look good. So i say  no not since you lied to me i don't want to do you any favors.  He responds "that's the spirit" LMAO again. The balls. The lying isn't event he wost part. It's that he thought it was okay to come back and ask me for a favor. (BTW in the past i would've done it. )  And example number three: the paparazzi, they literally say that if celebs choose to be famous the paps should be able to invade their privacy and safety. I THINK NOT! Umm i bet those paps all listen to the music and watch the movies and tv shows that these celebs create. So, let me get their thinking straight, no one should be famous, because fame causes them to be abusive.  And i should never go back to Boston unless i want to be abused, and people should lie and then you should do them favors or you are not spirited. hmmm  Well all i can say is you better be nice to me or I'm gonna blog about it:) Whatevs I do what i want.