look but don't stare....

 Last night I slept so deep because I had the best massage of my life.  I literally almost couldn't walk after. I was dizzy and happy all at once. I love, love, love to be touched.  I am like a monkey, monkeys die if they are not touched. Anyway, I had the nicest dream.  It was about all these people who had this special ability to fly. The let me in on it. They told me that everyone has the ability but they just don't use it.  All I had to think about it and the next thing I knew I was flying through the sky.  I was thinking about it in yoga today. The teacher was talking about how you need to work on the back of your body as much as your front. The back, he said, represents the past and the front, your future. And I started thinking about how we literally curl forward as we get older. How our past creeps up and takes over us.  I thought about how hard it is to stand up straight and how our hearts on the front of our bodies. It makes sense, you need to be aware of your past and courageous enough to stand up to receive the future. Your back needs to be strong enough to support your front. It all works together to make you a whole person.  I was thinking about how I went back to Boston to do my show. The reason I did it in such a small place was because I was scared. I remembered only bad things coming out of Boston about my sitcom. Who knows though? I could have only focused on that. People could have said nice things as well. So I needed to drum up my courage and go back to prove that what was in my brain wasn't reality. I needed to confront my past so that I can own it, and  fly into the future...... Everybody knows a plane can take off if there is too much baggage.

need I say more......

Dear Sue Costello, When you thanked me after your performance for attending and I told you I was Anne's  husband, my suppressed feeling was to hug you. I found your stripping back the essence of your being a stunning artistic experience, which I have to admit was not comfortable to watch and was even painful, and although had its funny elements, which certainly contributed to its greatness, being funny, for me, was not what it was about......

Dear Sue, I had the priviledge of seeing your amazing show last night! You had me laughing hysterically and crying at the same time; what a journey!! I just wanted to say how inspiring, moving, and hilarious it was!

Hey Sue, The fact is that I was sort of in shock after your show and fear I didn't adequately tell you my reaction. It was more than 'wonderful'-- It was really powerful. Raw. Painful at times. But the overarching thing that got to me was how deeply you revealed yourself. You even LOOKED different in the different segments/time periods. Really an astonishing and moving evening!

was AWESOME! actually don't even know if awesome is a big enough word to describe... i laughed so hard i had to have peed, just a little, and then there were other times couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face if i tried... but have to also admit cutest moment was you not being able to not crack up at "32? i thought you guys ........"

Show night......

Well, I have to say I woke up very excited this morning. I can't believe how many people are coming out tonight.  And, I can't believe that I can actually feel happy and grateful about it.   Fear and anxiety used to be the only thing I could think of when good things happened in the past. But now, I'm looking forward to getting on that stage tonight and giving my all. One of my friends works with Bruce Springsteen and he posted close up pictures of him on his face book page.  I was blown a way, the guy is 60 something years old and he looks like he puts his heart an soul into every word he utters. My friend told me that there are nights when he thinks to himself , Bruce must be retiring tonight because look at what he's putting out there. And then Bruce gets off stage and says get me a cheeseburger. LOL. It reminds me of when I was learning how to box and my trainer told me that I had to leave everything in the ring. I had to give it my all, no matter what. I apply that to my show biz career and my life. I show up give my all and let go of the results.  The last time I performed my show was in Boston, a month ago, and it was the scariest thing I've ever done. I went home to the people I grew up with and showed them my art. I gave it my all, and believe me, it was not easy. I practically had to perform in a hallway. I heard Leguizamo talk one time about how he started his one man shows and he said he started in a hallway with two people. And really, it's easy to get up in front of strangers on a proper stage? But do I really grow from that? No, I grow from the experiences that cause me the most fear.   I don't deny that I'm afraid, because I learned a long time ago, that if you do that it flattens you. Because if you push down the bad feelings the good ones have to go too. So, now I feel the fear and do it anyway. The result is exhilaration and satisfaction. And isn't that why people watch performers ?They want us to give them all of us, they don't want us to hold back because of fear, that's what they pay for.  So, for all of you coming out tonight, I plan to leave it all in the ring. God, how lucky am I to be able to get on the stage, prance around, express myself an infect others with my pleasure?

I'd rather be happy...

Just had to update the day........So, I got the flowers and they are beautiful! And, they were marked wrong, so I got them for much cheaper than they were supposed to be. And,and, and, my little old lady friend who's ususally tight with the compliments just said very softly..."my friend thinks you have a great figure." and i said "oh the one I met?" and she said "obviously." LMAO:)Life is good:)

Would I rather be right? or would I rather be happy?

Have you ever had to do something that you really didn't want to do, but you knew  if  you did it, it would make you feel better? Well, that's the struggle I went trough this morning. I had to show up for situation that I did not create.  The other person was playing low life games so I couldn't get a fair shake. I was put in a corner and my hand was forced.  I was grumpy because I felt like the truth was never going to prevail. Sometimes that low level sideways stuff feels so much stronger than the straight up truth. Well, that was only a feeling, because I have found that if I hold on to myself and show up with grace the truth will ALWAYS prevail.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I did, I got dressed and went. On the train I prayed and told myself that 99% of life is just showing up, and show up I did.  The situation turned out better than I could have imagined if I had gotten into the muck and tried to fix it myself.  I find that it's hard to have such strong feelings and not act on them.  But when I do, when I just stay still and take the next right action instead of trying to fix everything in a second, the results are magnificent.  I heard this guy last night talking about how if something is too rigid when pressure is put on it, it will break. But, if it's flexible not only will it bend ,but it will come back with double the force, a much more effective force than the initial pressure, a grace. He also talked about being in the eye of the needle, and that chaos can be going on around you but if you stay still, when the chaos  had calmed, you will not have been affected.   In the past, I would have been defensive, filled with fear and created more chaos. But this time,  I was the eye of the needle.  I was kind, respectful and assertive. It took no time at  all and I was on my way. No extra energy wasted.   I like to win. Because I am the second child I never allowed myself to admit that. The idea of coming in second was so tragic to me that I would rather be last or not play at all. I knew that I could not handle the disappointment if things didn't work out. But those are childish feelings.   As an adult, I’ve learned to allow myself to feel worthy of the feelings of desire.  If you have boundaries, even if mistakes are made, you can fix them if you show up and be flexible.  It's funny, because I'm starting to see that even if things don't work out the way I thought they would, they often times work out better if I get out of my own way.  If  I planned my life, I would be shortchanging myself.  I also learned that no matter what the circumstances, no matter how many times I feel that things are unfair all I have to do is keep showing up gracefully and things will work out.  And most imoportantly,  that I can win and win the right way.

 I came home and my old lady friend knocked on my door yelling" help!" I thought she was having a heart attack. She was like "My phone, I can't work my phone."  She scared the shit out of me. I was like" imagine if you gave me a heart attack?" and she laughed.  I don't know what it is with her and her phone but she has me checking them all the time. I don't know if it's because she is old and afraid to not have contact with the outside world; or, if it's that she wants a connection with me and to feel that I care. It doesn't matter, if that is what she needs I can give it to her.  Also, for days I've been walking past the florist looking at the flowers thinking that I want some flowers but I haven’t bought them for myself. I think it was because I was grumpy about this situation this morning.  Well, I got on the service elevator to do my laundry and the porter handed me a vase.  He said "do you want this?" I said "yes thank you" and now I am going to get out of my own way and walk my little booty over to the florist and get me some flowers because I'd rather be happy. 

mike tyson

Ok, I only have a minute cause I'm soooo busy getting ready for Minus 32 Million Words this weekend in nyc. Suecostello.com/calendar for info.   I had to write a few words about Mr Tyson. I saw his movie last week, and can I just give you the heads up, it's not  date movie. That being said, it was fascinating to watch. I almost felt a little embarrassed for him. I have followed his entire career but this movie helped me see even deeper into the mind that I already had a feeling was really disturbed. (spoiler alert do not read on if it will ruin your movie experience if I quote a line)  It all made to sense to me when he said that he was surrounded by leeches. He said he was a leech and they were leeches. They all leeched off each other. His ego needed the pumping and those doing the pumping were happy to do it  for a price. Now here he was doing it again instead of in the ring he was doing it in front of a camera. He had an horrific upbringing and was exposed to overt sexuality at  to young of age.  He was bullied and shameed,then he was a victim. As an adult he became a volunteer.  A child in  a grown mans body can be very dangerous. The way he talked about women and would not take any responsibility for the harm done to them was jaw dropping. But then, on the other hand, all he wants is love. He is the problem, but his ego won't let him see it. I had so many feelings watching this guy just sit in front of a camera and talk.  His trainer that he went to live with when he first starting boxing was just another exploitative abuser. He told him he was the greatest and let him live in his fancy house. Whatever, he did it for the money. He used him like and animal. And then when the trainer died, his self esteem died.  There in lies the deepest problem of abuse. They can only do it in the dark. They can only manipulate you with a weakness that you already have inside you. If you depend on anything on the outside of yourself  to define you you might as well swim with the leeches because it's the only way you will survive and survive is all you will do, you will not live, you will not feel love, you will not have fun or joy.  I always have hope that something will cause someone to change.  I was very sad to hear about the death of his daughter. The only good thing that can be taken from something so tragic, is an opportunity where pain can catapult someone to change. He has buried himself alive by years and years of hurt, that he created,  just so he didn't have to ever feel vulnerable again????  In the book the Road less traveled it says that often times the neurosis we created to avoid pain is TEN times greater than the pain we would have to feel if we just went through it. Ten times people....................

the rest of the story..

OK so, i go to my dressing room and memorize my lines. .  Oh, and I forgot to tell that you that before I left NYC, my boyfriends brother told me that I should eat a lot of vegetables because I'm going to be under a lot of stress. I took him literally and ate broccoli for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The only time I came out of my dressing room to get more broccoli. I walked by the Lunch area where they were all eating and Faith asked me if I spoke any Italian and I said "Excellante" and they all laughed; and I was like "Stop she's gonna kill me" and scurried back to my dressing room. Finally, it was time,I'm like a rock, nothing is going to sway me. While we are waiting for them to call action I was talking to Pat FInn, he was such a nice guy and I was so nervous that at one point I farted so loud. It was as if I left my body and he left his. Then a few minutes later we both re entered out bodies as if nothing had happened and did the run through, and I nail it!  Faith Ford flies across the room and high fives me.  I leave feeling so proud of myself. Well, that night I go to a movie screening. My agent was supposed to meet me there. She doesn't show up until the movie is over and the lights are coming up. She walks in the door and she looks horribly stressed. I thought she should have some broccoli, it will change her life. I also had the thought that she must be late because one of her clients must be having a terrible problem. Well, normally we would hang around and talk to all the suits but this night, she pulled out to her car threw it in reverse and parked on the street. She sat up on her knees and said "the Murphy Brown thing isn't going to work out." I felt my stomach drop out. I was horrified and relived at the same time. I knew it wasn't right and I knew there was no way I could change how Candace felt about me but I was soo sad that I had made the decision to do her show instead of the other, and that there was nothing i could do about it. I was powerless over her but not powerless over myself. My attorney called and as i was convulsing and crying I said to him in dead serious voice, "i think i know why I got fired" He said "why?" I said,  "I farted on Pat Finn!" And we all laughed for like 10 straight minutes. Well, needless to say I flew home to NYC for the weekend and pulled myself together only to have to fly back on Monday to look for a writer for my Development deal.  I had to go back on the lot where Murphy Brown was filmed 4 days later. I did it. I met with Sam Simon and Rhea Pearlman's sister. They wanted me to do a show with a mechanical pig. I was sold until i spoke to my agent and lawyer. They literally had to exercise me. Turns out Sam was pissed at the head of CBS because he didn't pick up one of his shows so he was going to use me to get back at him. Nice Huh?  As I look back on that situation I am very proud of the way I handled myself. I also took all the strength that I gained from that experience and used it to propel me forward. You see, if I had lay with the dogs like she was trying to get me to do, it would have held me back I would have used the experience as a way to hurt myself. Instead I rose above it and she had to see me  last weds night:)  She gets to be her, and I get to be me.  It's funny, because before I saw her on the street I had been out with my friend Mark the cop. And he was like" Sue you know what  makes you so hot?" Of course he said my butt first, lol, but then he said,  "the way you take care of yourself, and don't let anyone treat you poorly." I mean, he's a cop!!! He's knows too, because he used to pick me up in the air all the time and I asked him not to and he LOVED IT!!! You know the coolest part of it all? If C andace were to apologize I would forgive her:) Aw heck, I forgive her without the apology:)

Super cute...

I hadn't heard that saying evah, and now, I keep hearing it. I put up photos of me when I was kid on face-book and 3 people wrote "super cute:)" It's funny because I have sad memories of my childhood, but having people reflect it back to me that way is a very nice feeling.  I was pretty cute. I will put the pics on my site soon as well. One picture in particular is very  funny. It's me in the incubator and I have my hand on my chin like a little philosopher. I must have been contemplating the meaning of life while I was in there.  I had to, I was all by myself so there was no other choice. Today, I think the meaning of life is experiencing your life the way you live it, and taking responsibility for you actions and how they affect others.  As I look back over certain experiences in my life even if they were painful I can usually find some joy and that joy stems from how I acted. Which brings me to the Murphy Brown story. As I mentioned before  I was supposed to be on that show for 22 episodes with a back up development deal. I chose that show over Townies, which was a new show at the time.  I would be a fifth wheel on Murphy when i could have been the star on Townies.I wanted to be humble and learn from the best.  I felt that  was the smartest move. I remember waiting to hear when I was supposed to go to LA to shoot the show. It was taking a while , and finally i flew out to take the cast photo's. It was me, Candace, Lilly Tomlin and the rest of the cast. I specifically remember telling myself to know my place. to stay quiet and mind my business. Well Candace was so nice it threw me. Made me drop my guard a little.  I remember when they were taking my single shots dancing to that song "If I could I'd be a great big movie star, and over night sensation!" and every body laughed. I left feeling pretty good about my choice. Wel,l again it took a lond time for them to call to tell me when I should come. Finally, the call came I packed it up and moved my little booty to la la land. I showed up the first day for the table read and when they introduced me as the new cast member I flipped my hair a little and they laughed so loud. It struck me as weird because it wasn't that funny.  I got the feeling that these people had been miserable for a long time and I might be a breath of fresh air. Anyway, when it came to the part where I read with Candace, she sat with her back to me reading her Christmas catalog. Faith Ford said, "Candace, your ignoring Sue.' And Candace replied "yeah well she's just gonna have to get used that isn't she." It was right then that the street in me showed up. Well not the street, because if it was the street I would have kicked her ass and she would have won, she would have pulled me to lay with the dogs and we all know what happens then, you get fleas. I guess the  word is, inner strength, I knew she was trying to provoke me. It's didn't work. I walked away and went into my dressing room. Then it came time for us to put the scene on it's feet. Well the scene was actually art imitating life. I think my line was something like" please she doesn't scare me I've been in knife fights worse than her." (or something along those lines.) Well the director was showing me how to put the glass down in front of her and splashed a dab of water on her shirt and she ran off stage. But before she left, she tired to correct every line I said. Needless to say, I knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to make me freak out so she could fire me. I remember the producer saying that to me "don't you get it Sue she's jealous of you?"  and I couldn't rap my brain around it. I mean she was Candace Bergen. We had the network run through that afternoon and I wasn't going to let her mess it up so I went to the dressing room and memorized my lines........................................................ To be continued...........