more about skinny dipping....

Whenever I am faced with a fear I like to reach down inside and walk through it. The other night, my friend and I went to the beach at dusk, on account of I can't get any sun.

Anyway, it was beautiful, gorgeous, and so peaceful.  I wanted to skinny dip, but the bottom had a lot of shells, so I asked my friend if I could wear her flip flops because  and I didn't want to cut myself..

The first thing she said to me was, "don't loose them." (it reminded me of my mother, she would always say the most fearful thing while I was trying to have fun.) I mean the worst thing that would happen is, I lost it and I had to buyanother one.  My response was "I'm not going to lose them."

Then sure enough, I'm not in the water for a second and a big wave comes, knocks me over and slams me down. I finally get my balance, stand  and realize that one of the flip flops is gone.

A terror ran through my body, it was a childish terror. Because my brain was telling me all I had to do was buy another pair.  Bu the grown up part of me began looking for it.

I ran up to her and told her, she was not happy, so I ran back to the water searching through the dark water. The waves were big and with every white trimmed crash, the bottom would swish up and make the water even more murky.

But I kept searching and don't cha know whola! I found it.

I was so happy. It was metaphor for life for me. I needed to protect my feet and if that meant possibly having to buy another pair of flip flops, so be it.

But then, even when it was gone, I kept up hope, kept searching through t he murky water to find it.  which is proof that nothing is as bad as we think its going to be. and i am never going to let "what might happen" keep me from tryign things!

I ran into the waves and swam, I pulled my bathing suit off and felt so free.

i forgot to blog today..

I have most of it written but I need to do it tomorrow on account of I"m exhausted. his morning I woke up and wrote the structure of my show that I've been trying to get through for 10 years!!! Then,, I went boxing for the first time in 2 years then took myself to lunch then through all the art galleries on Madison Ave. So it's been a very productive and fulfilling day.sleep well and until tomorrow!

Skinny dippiing

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs124.snc1/5328_112946513246_571828246_2270679_214309_s.jpg

ok more about the dark..

What I find most fascinating about abuse is, that there really are no victims, only volunteers. except when it comes to children. When you are small you have no recourse. But once you are an adult you can change so if you don't then what is that called? Playing the victim is a familiar way for people who were abused to go through life. But the truth is, there is a way out.

I seems that there is an unspoken agreement that goes on between the abused and the abuser.

I mean really, the therapist I wrote about yesterday now specializes in helping people who want to have the same surgery that she had.

Which just means that she just found a whole different group with vulnerabilities to pray on.

But they have to be willing. You see they want an easy way out as well. So, if they go to her, ( a therapist)  then they can validate that it's ok to have a tube stuck in your stomach to control you life through your food.

I am speaking of myself as well. I went to a huge overweight person to take care of me. Yes she abused me, but I must have  liked it on some level. And by that I don't mean that I am blaming myself. Abuse is NEVER ok and the one with the power should be the responsible one.

That being said,  asI look back on the abusive relationships that I have been in and if I am really honest, I can admit that I was hiding my own aggression. I would get close to someone who was "worse than me" if you will, and they would act out the aggression I had inside towards myself and the world.

Then I could play the victim. Guys do it with girls as well. They seek "crazy" girls so they can eventually walk away and blame her on their inability to have a true connection. And the deeper truth is that  act in a way they make the girls crazy.

We all have a little crazy in us. And if you embrace it instead of hiding it in shame or dumping it on others, if you really hold on to it and own it you will be free. There will be no vulnerability to be manipulated.

I 'm not scared of my aggression anymore. You see the abusers are, that's why they get so mad when i have it. Because they are so busy defending against their own, pretending to be a "good person," that they can't tolerate it anyone else.

Well I have it all in me. Hate, jealousy, guilt shame, judgement, the difference is I make a choice everyday not to live in that lower self.

I let it all run it's course inside my body. I process it and then let what Iwant to come out, come out. And sometimes I choose very consciously to send that aggression straight at someone.  In a healthy way.

Because I am aware of it and embrace it, I can use it to my benefit. In the past because I was repressing it it would come out sideways and my life would be a mess. All while I would cry and say "why is life like this? I'm a good person."

I don't care about being a "good person" anymore. I care about being authentic. I remember when my boyfriend moved out on me after 8 years while i was away for the weekend then tried to ruin my business and I stuck up for myself,my southern friend said "sue your acting like a scorned woman." LOL I was like "I am a scorned woman!"

I grew up in the inner streets on Boston, that built a strength inside me that no education could ever replace.

Anthony Hopkins said something like this  about his acting, we have it all in us, homicide, suicide, all of it it's the great actor that can show it all.

They can only abuse you in the dark:)

Ahahahhahahhahaa it's brings me great pleasure to report to you the happenings of the past couple of days. For those of you who have seen my one woman show, you know about the fat therapist that abused me. Well just like what happened with Candice Bergen, God gave me another opportunity to set the record straight.

Fri i was shopping for gefilte fish for my little old Lady friend and I asked someone where the check out was.

And low and behold it was the therapist. She lit up and was like "Hi Sue!" how are you, do you live around here?"  I was like "no and I'm excellent and you lost weight, and, I really wish you didn't abuse me when I was your patient.'

To which she responded 1, she then turned and ran into the bagel rack..2 she said " the checkout counter is over there", and when i didn't move,  3. She said, "I don't think we should talk about this here you should call me or come into my office."

To which I responded, "no I want to talk about this here" and she ran away.

God ! I had so many feelings, the strongest of which was "I WAS RIGHT!!" Oh oh and I left out the most important part. She had something on her that looked like a stethoscope sticking out of her.

When I got home an googled her to find an  email address for her I found out that the way she lost weight was she had some surgery that put a clamp on her stomach so she can control her food intake.

I sent her an email letting her know that I didn't appreciate her running into the bagel rack and I especially don't like that as soon as I told her she abused she invited me back into her office.

You see she wanted me to go back in the dark so she could manipulate me.

She responded with some lame email about how surviving her  is a testament to my talent and inner strength.

OH oh oh and she wrote I'm happy to hear you are doing "excellent."  In quotes no less, she may not be heavy but she is still aggressive and angry.

I never used to have the strength to stick up to these people, because they would puff up and scare me. But now I know that they only puff up to scare you when they are covering   for their bad behavior.

I mean I paid the woman over $100,000 you would think maybe just a little gentleness would be nice.

But then again I'm talking about a woman who instead of changing attached a  pump to her stomach to control her food intake.

more on this later........

a caterpillar is a butterfly who..

.........once it becomes a butterfly, can never go back to being a caterpillar. So many of us stay caterpillars because it feels safe. But actually, it's danger, disguised as safety.

When you are a butterfly you can fly anywhere, when you are a caterpillar you have to stay close to the ground.

There are many factors that can get in the way of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly but if it stays focused and allows the natural process to happen there is really nothing that can get in the way.

Spread those wings and fly it might feel lonely at first, but nothing I mean nothing, is more lonely than staying close to the ground just so you can be like everyone else.

my walk around the reservoir

Last night i had the urge to walk around the reservoir. My friend was dropping me off after dinner and I asked him if he wanted to come with but he had to go home for a conference call. I usually never walk it at night on account of fear. Well, last night I was like screw it I want to go so I'm going.

I feel  like the walk brings me closer to God, but last night proved to be more spiritual than any other walk.

It was almost dark so the sky was a deep blue. The water was completely still and the view of the city was breathtaking.

But most of all, there was a full moon. The fullest moon I'd ever seen.

As I made my way around the reservoir I tried to be aware of my body and tried to be in the moment to feel this simple, free, pleasure.

As I walked around the track I thought about how the whole setting looked like a work of art.

I remembered my friend once telling me that you don't have to just look at art, you can feel it. So as I walked through the parts that were well lit I felt open an free and not aware of my surroundings.

But as I got to the darker points I found my body closing down and fear setting in. I would scan the area to make sure no one was in the bushes and that  there were people around me should trouble arise.

Then I noticed that at one point it looked as though the moon was behind me and then I walked a little further and it was ahead of me.

That walk was such a metaphor for life. I was scared at first but I did it anyway. First  it was ligh and then it was dark and then light again.  Then as I continued on, my perspective changed but the gratitude in my heart stayed the same.

who dissapears?

People who don't think they are worth it to stay and show up for themselves and for life.  This brings to mind that song from "Chicago" Mr. Cellophane. That song always makes me sad. When he sings about how people can see right through him. But why is that? People look through people who have nothing inside.

I was thinking today how any person that is not worthy to be in my life, will eventually take themselves out of the game.

I don't have to do anything but show up and be graceful and that grace will shine the light on the cellophane.  I don't even have to exert myself and the other person will leave. It's amazing.

The hard part is not stooping, because someone with nothing inside will try to take what you have inside and share it. They will try to pull you into the negative, to muddy the waters, so you can't see clearly.

I have always told me friends, that the person who is more uncomfortable will leave a room first.

Usually that person is the one who is at fault. But the key to all of this is being able to stay still long enough to let it happen.

It's kinda of like playing chicken while you are driving a BMW and the other person is driving a 1970's beat up pick up truck, with the spare tires attached.

You know who will win, but only if the BMW stays straight and narrow on the road and doesn't waiver, no matter how out of control the pick up truck gets.

omg Jive talkin just came on as I'm writing this.

So appropriate...."trying to take  away my energy"........

The idea is to hold on to your own energy and allow others to find their own.

I read recently that kids are not developing empathy in their brains because of technology.

Before all this tech stuff if two kids were playing and there was an uncomfortable moment one of the kids would reach inside and pull out something to help the two of them get out of it.

Nowadays they just text.......

I'm asking everyone to try to go inside, see if you have enough empathy to ask yourself to rise above it. and in doing so you are generously asking someone else to become solid...........