I'm not THAT famous

I am telling you this yoga this is really something . I literally write about two things in the past couple of days. 1. my ego and 2 a dog. Well last night I am standing with Elle McPherson and Matt Dillon and this woman comes up with this look of recognition on her face and comes straight towards me! She's like I saw you on TV!!!!! So ego, puff puff............and then today, I go to mail something and there are two huge dogs tied to a pole beside the mailbox. I slowly approach, smile tell them that they are cute and mail my mail. I walk about 3 city blocks (which is far) and a woman grabs my arm frantically screaming "excuse me ! excuse me!" and I automatically think "not another fan" I stop and turn and the woman is like "Are those your dogs? Did you just leave them there tied to the pole like that because if you did I can't take it, I'm going to go back and save them!" I was like "UMMMMM no mam (koo koo) I was just smiling at them and making nice so they wouldn't rape me while I mailing my letter. Her whole face dropped and she ran. You show me koo koo and I'll match you and top you a crazy town.

the love of my life......

Ok it was dog and it was ten years ago lolololol. I shot my first T.V. pilot and there was scene where I went back to see my old high school nun, who had a dog. The joke was, that the dog was pervert and always sniffed my crotch. In order to get the dog to sniff my crotch the "handlers" had to rub hot dogs on my crotch the whole week during rehearsal.  I know, I know I have more self esteem now lol. Anyway, we had rehearsed for two days and on the third day I walked onto the set to a feeling that can only be described as if someone had died. The handler pulled me aside and said that I could not go near the dog until tape night, which was Friday, because he had fallen in love with me. Of course he did ,I am kinda cute. So, Friday night the dog not only sniffs my crotch but tries to violently rape me. I have to literally throw him off me. When I finally made it backstage the dog was waiting for me and he mounted me like party train. I couldn't help it ,I had to show the audience. They went wild, as I stood there with the dog's paws wrapped around my belly thinking J Lo gets a Bentley and I get f*cked in the ass by a basset hound.

i feel like being funny today...

OK, so this guy came up to me the other night, he was beside himself because he saw me in the Laurence Fishburne movie, "Once in the life," and then last night, this guy was like, "I saw you on T.V, and I was like I know her." Sounds glamorous right? Well,  since I'm always blabbing about how important humility is and how it's so important to show your true self; in honor of my art I have decided to break the mystique. Over the next few days I am going to lay out how crazy me and my career have been. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Here are a few teasers, I farted on Pat finn, got thrown off Murphy Brown and had a dog try to f*ck me in the ass....stay tuned

Defibrillate my heart

I fell asleep last night watching a medical show about the human heart. They were doing a study on these people who had heart conditions that could cause them to go into cardiac arrest at any moment and die. I lie there thinking, imagine having to live like that? Then my next thought was, we all do. We all live like that, every day, but we pretend not to. There was one guy who had a defibrillator implanted in his chest right below his heart. So, if he were to go into cardiac arrest, the defibrillator would shock him back to life.  One of the doctors was commenting on the progress they have made in terms of understanding the human heart. He said in the past they never would have thought the heart could withstand such and invasion. He said that the study of cardiology was a relatively young process. That it wasn't until the 1930's did they begin to discover potential of the human heart. He said not until they started to remove shrapnel from peoples hearts did they notice how incredibly strong a muscle it really was.  I thought, we have all had shrapnel in our hearts at one time or another. We have all gone through shocking our selves back to life after having our heart broken. And we keep going, some of choose to shut it down and some of us choose to open it up and see the potential. If we chose to shut down because someone has hurt us, then the hurt wins, our fear becomes so heavy that we curl over and turn in animals, non speaking entities, isolated.  But never really, because we are the only animals who carry our hearts on the front of our bodies. It is our duty as human beings stand up and show our hearts so we can allow other to, so we can save the ones who can't save themselves. I am blown away by the power of saving a human life and how much each person means. I was watching that guy lying on  the table thinking look how  much care he is taking of himself so that he doesn't die and then my brother Jimmy came to mind. Ten years ago he was drunk driving and got pulled over by the cops. He was driving on a suspended licence, so, when the cop went to run his licence, Jimmy took off.  He ended up flipping his van and was lying dead on the side of the road. The cop chased him and came to and intersection, he could go north or south. He remembered that Jimmy's van had a south shore address on it, so he went south. He found Jimmy lying there, dead and breathed air into his lungs. Jimmy died again and when the firefighters showed up someone said, "he's dead, forget it" and the firefighters said "let's try one more time." They did, and they saved Jimmy's life.  So for any of you out there thinking its over and  you can't try one more time, don't underestimate the strength of that muscle we call the human heart.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean..

First of all,  sorry about the typos and punctuation problems in the other posts. I haven't figured out how to go back in edit them once they are posted. I'll work on that. I want you to know that I respect you and cherish the fact that you take time to read my words. See that was easy, I just looked at my posts, realized that there were typos and apologized.  In reality, it has taken tremendous pains to be able t be that direct.  I was out with my friend last night and she was talking about how jealous she gets when people don't acknowledge her and how painful it is for her. I so identified, I told her it was like being prodded like a bull, with that little shock thing they have. She's fixing it, she is at a point in her career where she is sharing some personal stuff about herself and it's helping her become successful. I told her for so long I would say "WHY AM I NOT GETTING MY PROPS?" until one day it hit me, I wasn't asking for them. It was as if I was hiding in public. I wanted the world to just know what I needed so that I didn't have to risk putting myself out there. I wanted everyone to see me without revealing an ounce of myself.  It wasn't until I started to learn how to communicate what was really inside me that Igot what i needed.  I remember a therapist asking me if there was any way that I could just say to someone when they weren't treating me right, "That's not nice." And it was as if she was speaking Chinese. I had no impulse control and  I was so super sensitive that I couldn't muster up the words. I wanted the world to adjust and  not do anything to make me uncomfortable. Obviously that's no way to live, so like I do with every challenge in my life I tried it. I was working in Atlantic City with this comic that I hadn't seen in a long time and we took a private yoga session. After the session, we went out to breakfast with the instructor. The waitress was such a bitch and all I said was "be nice" and she heard me. She treated me with respect for the rest of the meal. The comic went crazy, she was liked sue what happened, you're so different, it's like your healed it's like nothing gets to you. The yoga instructor responded with, "nothing gets to her, because there is no one left to get."  I always thought that if I communicated that to another person they would leave, but the opposite happens, because  if you tell someone that they are not treating you the way you need to be treated it means you care, that you see them as a person, that they exist.

Avoid the quick sharp pain.......

That was the lesson for today in yoga. If you feel a sharp burning pain that means trouble and you should stop right away. But, if it's a slow dull pain you should work through it. As I was doing my warrior one I thought aint that the truth. The reason I go to yoga everyday is so that i can keep my body, which is the house to my soul, strong, open so that I am able to receive.   I love it, I love the fact that I can get in touch with what I am feeling through my body. Most of my life was spent projecting the crazytown from my head and my past into my future and never experiencing the present.  I used to do everything really fast because, I thought, if I didn't go fast it would all go away. But the truth is going fast is a form of self hatred which actually makes everything go away.  If you go slow you can hold on to yourself.  You can nurture things and see things and feel them; you can literally fly. I went surfing for the first time last summer and I did not like the little belt that you have to tie around your ankle. It made me feel trapped but I wore it. When I rode the first wave I was more exhilarated than I had ever been in my life and then of course, the wave crashed and my bikini filled with sand and I got water up my nose. But, my board was right by me, because it was attached to the belt around my leg, and because of that belt my board didn't hit me in the head and kill me. That was the only time I tried to surf that day. I wanted to walk around with that feeling of exhilaration all day and I did, I was so proud of myself that I had the courage to let go and not have to be the best surfer in the world which definitely could have ended up in a quick sharp pain.  The sand up my nose was just a slow dull pain so I plan to do it again this summer.

What to do on Mother's Day when you mom doesn't love you..

I didn't blog yesterday because Mother's  Day is a painful day for me. I weighed and measured whether or not to share that pain and I decided that it would be much more mature of me to save it til today. Only a child is allowed to spew their pain all over everyone with no consideration for others. It' s a day of celebration and I'm sure there are many people out there who love their Moms and whose Moms love them. I happen to believe that it is essential to the maturation process to separate from you mother and sometimes that takes feeling some anger, but I didn't think people needed to be reminded of that on Mother's Day. When I was born, I only weighed 3lbs because I was premature. I was premature because my mother smoked and drank during her pregnancy. I spent the first few weeks of my life in and incubator and was given my last rights. That was back in the day when the doctors didn't know about the power of touch, so I lay there by myself for weeks.  While I was inside her I knew my mother didn't want me, and because of that, I was forced out of my home to early and almost died. Then, I spent the first weeks of my life alone in a cold contraption never being touched.  I am amazed that  I know how to nurture myself, because there have been studies that babies that don't connect turn into social paths.  I never really felt  like I could kill another human being but I definitely felt like I could kill myself until I read that under weight babies tend to get beat more that normal weight babies. And it hit me that maybe I hadn't been trying to kill myself. Maybe, I was just trying to get back in there and cook a little longer.  The sad part about that is that you can never get back in. I spent a lot of my adult life trying to get my mother to love me. Through other people or directly with her.  I read De Koonings biography and he talked about how sometimes he left space with his art so you could see what was already there. That's what I needed, space to see what was really going on, space to to become my own person, the person I was meant to be, not some version of my mothers own self hatred. And, when I took that space I realized that if I had killed myself I would have killed the wrong person. It wasn't until I was mature enough to accept that she may never love me that my life as a woman began. I accepted that maybe my mother was just the vehicle that I came through and whether she's good or not, doesn't really matter if I coninue to try throughout my life to find that bigger connection. A connection so profound that no human can kill.  Creating a child is one of the most spiritually, artistic act a person can commit because when we create we are the closest to our creator, but some people can't tolerate that unbearable lightness of being.  I'm glad I took my space, because now I might even have space for my own baby but you have to stop being the baby to become the mommy, and just like birth, the only way out is through.

Align you heart with your pelvis

That's the aim for all yoga poses. To align your heart and your pelvis. I think that philosophy should be taken from the mat, out into the world and into our beds.  It seems if we could live in a world where we all worked to have our bodies work in direct correlation with what we were sending from our heart everyone would have better sex.  In our country there's either too much sex or not enough, but just imagine a world where we taught our kids the power of healthy sexuality. That their bodies are to be respected, that they decide what goes on with it, which means something different for everyone. We could teach them to go into their hearts, engage themselves  by seeing their own authenticity so they can  express it in a loving generous way. Which just made me think of something the instructor said today when he was talking about our hamstrings. He said we need to engage our quads in order for the hamstrings to feel supported so that they can completely let go?    Sexy huh?