Would I rather be right? or would I rather be happy?

Have you ever had to do something that you really didn't want to do, but you knew  if  you did it, it would make you feel better? Well, that's the struggle I went trough this morning. I had to show up for situation that I did not create.  The other person was playing low life games so I couldn't get a fair shake. I was put in a corner and my hand was forced.  I was grumpy because I felt like the truth was never going to prevail. Sometimes that low level sideways stuff feels so much stronger than the straight up truth. Well, that was only a feeling, because I have found that if I hold on to myself and show up with grace the truth will ALWAYS prevail.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I did, I got dressed and went. On the train I prayed and told myself that 99% of life is just showing up, and show up I did.  The situation turned out better than I could have imagined if I had gotten into the muck and tried to fix it myself.  I find that it's hard to have such strong feelings and not act on them.  But when I do, when I just stay still and take the next right action instead of trying to fix everything in a second, the results are magnificent.  I heard this guy last night talking about how if something is too rigid when pressure is put on it, it will break. But, if it's flexible not only will it bend ,but it will come back with double the force, a much more effective force than the initial pressure, a grace. He also talked about being in the eye of the needle, and that chaos can be going on around you but if you stay still, when the chaos  had calmed, you will not have been affected.   In the past, I would have been defensive, filled with fear and created more chaos. But this time,  I was the eye of the needle.  I was kind, respectful and assertive. It took no time at  all and I was on my way. No extra energy wasted.   I like to win. Because I am the second child I never allowed myself to admit that. The idea of coming in second was so tragic to me that I would rather be last or not play at all. I knew that I could not handle the disappointment if things didn't work out. But those are childish feelings.   As an adult, I’ve learned to allow myself to feel worthy of the feelings of desire.  If you have boundaries, even if mistakes are made, you can fix them if you show up and be flexible.  It's funny, because I'm starting to see that even if things don't work out the way I thought they would, they often times work out better if I get out of my own way.  If  I planned my life, I would be shortchanging myself.  I also learned that no matter what the circumstances, no matter how many times I feel that things are unfair all I have to do is keep showing up gracefully and things will work out.  And most imoportantly,  that I can win and win the right way.

 I came home and my old lady friend knocked on my door yelling" help!" I thought she was having a heart attack. She was like "My phone, I can't work my phone."  She scared the shit out of me. I was like" imagine if you gave me a heart attack?" and she laughed.  I don't know what it is with her and her phone but she has me checking them all the time. I don't know if it's because she is old and afraid to not have contact with the outside world; or, if it's that she wants a connection with me and to feel that I care. It doesn't matter, if that is what she needs I can give it to her.  Also, for days I've been walking past the florist looking at the flowers thinking that I want some flowers but I haven’t bought them for myself. I think it was because I was grumpy about this situation this morning.  Well, I got on the service elevator to do my laundry and the porter handed me a vase.  He said "do you want this?" I said "yes thank you" and now I am going to get out of my own way and walk my little booty over to the florist and get me some flowers because I'd rather be happy. 

mike tyson

Ok, I only have a minute cause I'm soooo busy getting ready for Minus 32 Million Words this weekend in nyc. Suecostello.com/calendar for info.   I had to write a few words about Mr Tyson. I saw his movie last week, and can I just give you the heads up, it's not  date movie. That being said, it was fascinating to watch. I almost felt a little embarrassed for him. I have followed his entire career but this movie helped me see even deeper into the mind that I already had a feeling was really disturbed. (spoiler alert do not read on if it will ruin your movie experience if I quote a line)  It all made to sense to me when he said that he was surrounded by leeches. He said he was a leech and they were leeches. They all leeched off each other. His ego needed the pumping and those doing the pumping were happy to do it  for a price. Now here he was doing it again instead of in the ring he was doing it in front of a camera. He had an horrific upbringing and was exposed to overt sexuality at  to young of age.  He was bullied and shameed,then he was a victim. As an adult he became a volunteer.  A child in  a grown mans body can be very dangerous. The way he talked about women and would not take any responsibility for the harm done to them was jaw dropping. But then, on the other hand, all he wants is love. He is the problem, but his ego won't let him see it. I had so many feelings watching this guy just sit in front of a camera and talk.  His trainer that he went to live with when he first starting boxing was just another exploitative abuser. He told him he was the greatest and let him live in his fancy house. Whatever, he did it for the money. He used him like and animal. And then when the trainer died, his self esteem died.  There in lies the deepest problem of abuse. They can only do it in the dark. They can only manipulate you with a weakness that you already have inside you. If you depend on anything on the outside of yourself  to define you you might as well swim with the leeches because it's the only way you will survive and survive is all you will do, you will not live, you will not feel love, you will not have fun or joy.  I always have hope that something will cause someone to change.  I was very sad to hear about the death of his daughter. The only good thing that can be taken from something so tragic, is an opportunity where pain can catapult someone to change. He has buried himself alive by years and years of hurt, that he created,  just so he didn't have to ever feel vulnerable again????  In the book the Road less traveled it says that often times the neurosis we created to avoid pain is TEN times greater than the pain we would have to feel if we just went through it. Ten times people....................

the rest of the story..

OK so, i go to my dressing room and memorize my lines. .  Oh, and I forgot to tell that you that before I left NYC, my boyfriends brother told me that I should eat a lot of vegetables because I'm going to be under a lot of stress. I took him literally and ate broccoli for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The only time I came out of my dressing room to get more broccoli. I walked by the Lunch area where they were all eating and Faith asked me if I spoke any Italian and I said "Excellante" and they all laughed; and I was like "Stop she's gonna kill me" and scurried back to my dressing room. Finally, it was time,I'm like a rock, nothing is going to sway me. While we are waiting for them to call action I was talking to Pat FInn, he was such a nice guy and I was so nervous that at one point I farted so loud. It was as if I left my body and he left his. Then a few minutes later we both re entered out bodies as if nothing had happened and did the run through, and I nail it!  Faith Ford flies across the room and high fives me.  I leave feeling so proud of myself. Well, that night I go to a movie screening. My agent was supposed to meet me there. She doesn't show up until the movie is over and the lights are coming up. She walks in the door and she looks horribly stressed. I thought she should have some broccoli, it will change her life. I also had the thought that she must be late because one of her clients must be having a terrible problem. Well, normally we would hang around and talk to all the suits but this night, she pulled out to her car threw it in reverse and parked on the street. She sat up on her knees and said "the Murphy Brown thing isn't going to work out." I felt my stomach drop out. I was horrified and relived at the same time. I knew it wasn't right and I knew there was no way I could change how Candace felt about me but I was soo sad that I had made the decision to do her show instead of the other, and that there was nothing i could do about it. I was powerless over her but not powerless over myself. My attorney called and as i was convulsing and crying I said to him in dead serious voice, "i think i know why I got fired" He said "why?" I said,  "I farted on Pat Finn!" And we all laughed for like 10 straight minutes. Well, needless to say I flew home to NYC for the weekend and pulled myself together only to have to fly back on Monday to look for a writer for my Development deal.  I had to go back on the lot where Murphy Brown was filmed 4 days later. I did it. I met with Sam Simon and Rhea Pearlman's sister. They wanted me to do a show with a mechanical pig. I was sold until i spoke to my agent and lawyer. They literally had to exercise me. Turns out Sam was pissed at the head of CBS because he didn't pick up one of his shows so he was going to use me to get back at him. Nice Huh?  As I look back on that situation I am very proud of the way I handled myself. I also took all the strength that I gained from that experience and used it to propel me forward. You see, if I had lay with the dogs like she was trying to get me to do, it would have held me back I would have used the experience as a way to hurt myself. Instead I rose above it and she had to see me  last weds night:)  She gets to be her, and I get to be me.  It's funny, because before I saw her on the street I had been out with my friend Mark the cop. And he was like" Sue you know what  makes you so hot?" Of course he said my butt first, lol, but then he said,  "the way you take care of yourself, and don't let anyone treat you poorly." I mean, he's a cop!!! He's knows too, because he used to pick me up in the air all the time and I asked him not to and he LOVED IT!!! You know the coolest part of it all? If C andace were to apologize I would forgive her:) Aw heck, I forgive her without the apology:)

Super cute...

I hadn't heard that saying evah, and now, I keep hearing it. I put up photos of me when I was kid on face-book and 3 people wrote "super cute:)" It's funny because I have sad memories of my childhood, but having people reflect it back to me that way is a very nice feeling.  I was pretty cute. I will put the pics on my site soon as well. One picture in particular is very  funny. It's me in the incubator and I have my hand on my chin like a little philosopher. I must have been contemplating the meaning of life while I was in there.  I had to, I was all by myself so there was no other choice. Today, I think the meaning of life is experiencing your life the way you live it, and taking responsibility for you actions and how they affect others.  As I look back over certain experiences in my life even if they were painful I can usually find some joy and that joy stems from how I acted. Which brings me to the Murphy Brown story. As I mentioned before  I was supposed to be on that show for 22 episodes with a back up development deal. I chose that show over Townies, which was a new show at the time.  I would be a fifth wheel on Murphy when i could have been the star on Townies.I wanted to be humble and learn from the best.  I felt that  was the smartest move. I remember waiting to hear when I was supposed to go to LA to shoot the show. It was taking a while , and finally i flew out to take the cast photo's. It was me, Candace, Lilly Tomlin and the rest of the cast. I specifically remember telling myself to know my place. to stay quiet and mind my business. Well Candace was so nice it threw me. Made me drop my guard a little.  I remember when they were taking my single shots dancing to that song "If I could I'd be a great big movie star, and over night sensation!" and every body laughed. I left feeling pretty good about my choice. Wel,l again it took a lond time for them to call to tell me when I should come. Finally, the call came I packed it up and moved my little booty to la la land. I showed up the first day for the table read and when they introduced me as the new cast member I flipped my hair a little and they laughed so loud. It struck me as weird because it wasn't that funny.  I got the feeling that these people had been miserable for a long time and I might be a breath of fresh air. Anyway, when it came to the part where I read with Candace, she sat with her back to me reading her Christmas catalog. Faith Ford said, "Candace, your ignoring Sue.' And Candace replied "yeah well she's just gonna have to get used that isn't she." It was right then that the street in me showed up. Well not the street, because if it was the street I would have kicked her ass and she would have won, she would have pulled me to lay with the dogs and we all know what happens then, you get fleas. I guess the  word is, inner strength, I knew she was trying to provoke me. It's didn't work. I walked away and went into my dressing room. Then it came time for us to put the scene on it's feet. Well the scene was actually art imitating life. I think my line was something like" please she doesn't scare me I've been in knife fights worse than her." (or something along those lines.) Well the director was showing me how to put the glass down in front of her and splashed a dab of water on her shirt and she ran off stage. But before she left, she tired to correct every line I said. Needless to say, I knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to make me freak out so she could fire me. I remember the producer saying that to me "don't you get it Sue she's jealous of you?"  and I couldn't rap my brain around it. I mean she was Candace Bergen. We had the network run through that afternoon and I wasn't going to let her mess it up so I went to the dressing room and memorized my lines........................................................ To be continued...........

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack:)

Wow what a beautiful weekend!!!! I can't believe how much fun you can have if you just say yes! The beach was beautiful! And, Sunday my friends and I were invited to go on this guys speed boat. I was terrified!! I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I kept thinking is this my gut telling me something or am i just being a tight ass? I thought, if I go against my gut and I'm terrified the whole time, I'll be pissed. But if I don't go and everyone has fun, I'll be pissed. So, I loosened my ass cheeks and hopped aboard. And guess what? It was a BLAST!!! We went flying across the water and watched the sunset listening to cheesy disco music. When we were done I felt so invigorated. I went back to the house and put on my boots and my short shorts and went for coffee. As I was pouring my cream into my coffee I hear A whistle, whoo hoo. I don't turn around but I kinda know the guy is whistling at me. It's not til he does it again that I turn and it' s this actor from the show Rescue me.  I give him a hug and he grunts. We say good bye  and all I can think is, wow walking through your fears does a body good.  Loosen those ass cheeks and it will show. So. for all of you out there afraid to have fun, do it!!! NOW!!!! That energy is contagious and it will make others happy as well.

beach for the weekend........

Be back Monday!! Happy Memorial Day!!!

keep the fights clean and the sex dirty....

I promise I will tell the Murphy Brown story, but first, I have to blog about my night, because my friend asked me to. So, last night I went to my V's restaurant to hang out. It was a gorgeous night in the meat packing district. We sat at a table that was half inside half outside. As we looked out at all the people walking I was surprised by a view of this stunning guy. He was a new waiter at the restaurant I was almost embarrassed by the energy I sent hiand he sent me.  It wasn't planned, it just happened.  I said "V where did he come from?" She was like "isn't he hot? he's an ex boxer." Nuff said, he and I started talking about boxing and I told him I boxed for two years, which he found very funny since I'm so tiny. I showed him my favorite move and he said "no, its done like this."  I mean it was like art. I'm fascinated with boxing. The way they can make a small move and be so powerful. I love it, it's actually the way life should be led. Minimum effort with maximum results. Then, it was time to leave:( we said our good byes and went to meet V's boyfriend and his friends at the Soho House, which is a private club where you have to be a member to enter. As we were sitting on the roof, by the pool, overlooking New York City with all the fabulous people, V told her boyfriend how I was boxing with the waiter. He thought it was so funny and at one point I asked "why?' and gave a gang symbol. He was like "Sue that was so real I almost believed you."  I said "yeah, that's cause I'm from the streets." He said "oh yeah right." And V was like "she is." He asked, "where?" I said," Dorchester."  He responded "oh yeah you are, I never would have thought that." I said "I know people ask me if I was the prom queen in high school and I'm like Prom Queen? I'm lucky I still have my teeth."  I told him how last week I was given the opportunity to go back to my tough roots and how much fun it was. I said it almost bordered on sexual for me."  Then it hit me, there is a fine line between f*ckIng and fighting. With both, it doesn't matter how smal you arel... as long as you're powerful.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!

Now I'm really starting to freak out!!! I'm not one to blog twice a day, but I just got home and I had to!! OK so I say earlier that I'm kinda manifesting stuff starting with dog and ego. Well, the other story I was supposed to tell you guys was the one where I farted on Pat Finn which, I will tell, tomorrow. But for now, I farted on him the day I got kicked off Murphy Brown. I was supposed to be on the show for 13 episodes and I never even made it to the first taping because Candace threw me off and really screwed me because I had turned down another show to do MurphyBrown. So, tonight, my friend and I are walking down Madison avenue after a total New York City night, ending with tea and a cupcake at Crumbs while Sinatra's "My Way" played on the cd, and we walk by a couple having dinner outside. I don't notice the couple, I only notice the dog. I really never thought I was a dog person, but I guess I kinda am, cause I LOVE DOOTLE DOGS!!! The couple had one tied to their chair so I say "is that a doodle dog and can I pet it?" and the woman says "sure" all friendly. and all of a sudden, it hits me it's Candance Bergen. And I say "Oh Candace! Hi it's me Sue Costello" and she says, "Oh hi Sue and buries her face in her napkin. My friend and I can barely contain ourselves and we try to hold in our laughter. There really is a God. Here I was being all cute and nice to her dog and she has to just feel it, feel how she treated me. I didn't have to say a word. All I had to do was be my snuggle bunny self.  That's how it seems to work for me these days. People can try to be as mean as they like to me but as long as  I don't stoop to it in the moment , sometime in the future God will give me the perfect opportunity to let them feel it all on their own:)