What is a healthy level of lust...

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS LETS GET THE COVERSATION GOING LOl that is the conversation I had with my friend last night. We were going over the weekend in Boston and I asked he what she thought of this guy that was hanging around me.  Her response was " I"m not a fan, he has an unhealthy level of  lust towards you." I asked, "what is a healthy level?" and she said "I don't really know, but you couldn't even have a normal conversation with him." As soon as she said it, I remembered him asking me if my feet were painted the same color as my hands. I also remember him asking if he could hug me and how in the moment, I thought it was cool that he asked, but after the fact, I realize that he might have hugged just a little too long.

The whole weekend was kinda like that. What happened and what is a healthy level of anything?  It was so intense to show up and no matter what went on I didn't let it throw me and I got the job done.  Now, that I have had a minute to reflect, I see that there were so many moments that could have thrown me.

I went to Boston on Fri stayed in a beautiful hotel, which was great, it made all the difference in my performance. So, that got me to thinking, okay what's a healthy level of need in general. I came to the conclusion that I need a safe place to stay while I am working. I love being around friends and family but I need to take care of myself.

In the past I think I would have thought that that might be a  bit diva ish but what I would have been doing is living in deprivation. There has to be a healthy balance. Which helped me on Sunday when I had to move hotels. I had to do something huge on Monday and needed to sleep well, especially after all the emotions of the weekend.

Nancy my bff and I went to the Copley Plaza on Sunday afternoon to get another friend of mine, a birthday gift. We got the register at Victoria Secrets and she realized she had lost her wallet. She was freaking out. Mind you, the last time I was in Boston doing my one woman show, she lost her wallet as well and I found it. She gets a little anxious.

So knowing full well that I can't let this rattle me, I stay calm. I have her call the hotel. I have her go down to the car and check. I have her call the breakfast place. I stay calm. Then we go down to the car a third time and she found it.

We go to my new hotel I change for my friends birthday party in the North End and my bff drops me off and heads back to NYC.

The party was so nice, it was surprise. Her friends from NYC came up for the day and she cried.

Ok, so then I go back to the hotel and this lonely feeling comes washing over me.I don't want to do anything to sabotage myself so I sit in the window sill  looking out over the Charles River and talk to God. I ask him to be with me because he's really the only one that can pacify me.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it's the girls form NYC that I'm gonna be working with on Monday. We go downstairs to eat and I leave early knowing that I have to take care of myself.

I go back to my room get in my big bed and turn on the T.V and the re play of the Federer Nedal 2008 Wimbledon is on. I watch it and Fed Loses Nedal wins. Nedal falls on the court crying. I thought that's what I'm going to do when I get back to NYC, but for now, I"m going to be Fed, classy and gracious no matter what happens. I thought yeah, their girlfriends and coaches and families can come and support them but when it comes down to it they are the ones on the court, by themselves with their talent (GOD). No human being can make them do anything at that point and as I fell asleep I thought, I have a need, I want greatness, a healthy level of greatness. and if that makes them lust so be it I can handle myself.

Big Risk Big Reward...

When I was a kid, I was pretty fearless. I had an innate sense of what was right and wrong. I was never afraid to stick up for what I believed and I loved the underdog. When I was  teenager, I was at a mall with my Mum and I had my money out. She said "sue put your money away, someone might take it." I was like "Mum, no won't."   I thought, how in the world can she even think that? It was just a strength a solidness that I had. Later, my sister told me that she told my Mum that no one was going to take my money, because she had studied premature babies in school and it said that they are stronger than most. And my Mum's response was "Don't tell Sue that."

That experience didn't take away my strength because no one and nothing can take away what God gave you, but it made me bury it a little. I internalized my strength as something to be a shamed of.  Something that might make my mother unhappy.

As an adult, I found people who didn't want me to have my light. People who were afraid of the light in themselves,I found people to hide behind, I tried to squelch who I was and it made me miserable.

I wanted to take care of you so you could take care of me. I would settle for a dead body sometimes, just so I didn't have to be alone. I somehow wanted others to feel better and have a good life and see their light, but I was really using them to hide my own and the most important underdog "me" got put on the back burner

Finally, I decided, that if I wanted people to see my light I had to be courageous and step out of the dark, even if that meant I had to feel a little lonely.

Well, all I can say right now, is yesterday I became my own underdog, I took a risk that gave a reward beyond my comprehension. I can't talk about it yet, but when I can I will let you know.

For now, know that if you are faced with a situation where you could either take the path of least resistance or the road less traveled; I implore you, go to the road that seems the darkest, because your courage will radiate from inside you and illuminate it.  It's okay to be scared, you can trust me, because I've gone before you, the darker the dark, the lighter the light.

if they could see me now...

My facebook status last night, before my show, was 'Sue is luxuriating in the hotel" and this guy from New York commented "if they could see you now!" and my friend from Highschool wrote" we are going to see her now." I don't know if I can write the words to express how funny and deep that is. This guy I guess, thought that a hotel room somehow separated me from my past, almost impying that it elevated me in some way. He didn't even think about the fact that I have around 1,900 friends and that they would all see his comment. And my jennifer got him good with that little sentence. I love it!!

Well, come see me they did.  Even my fathers 74 year old cousins:) A whole table of them What a night.  The first act started messing with them, at it was funny at first, but he took it a little too far. I was back stage with DIck Doherty. I told Dick that they were my family and he proceeded to go on stage and be so sexual with them that the room was so uncomfortable when I got up. He even told my family how sexy I am. WEIRD.

I said to my friend before I got on stage "is this ever going to get easy?" and proceeded to kill. I eased the tension and discomfort and everybody laughed and laughed and laughed. Including myself.

I have managed to take my role in my family, which was to make anyone and everyone laugh no matter how uncomfortable the situation. I said to my dad's cousins "I can't believe Dick told you guys that I am sexy, you don't care." and they were like "yes we do Sue, you are sexy and that makes us sexy, because we are related to you. We all have the same genes. LOL

I gave the family hugs and moved on to the table of fans from the radio interview I did. They were so cute!! We took pictures with thier cell phone cameras and they friended me on facebook before they even got home.

Next I moved on to the table of high school friends. God did we laugh telling stories about highshcool. They told me stories that I didnt even remember. I guess I was quite the charmer in highschool, because evidently, I got us all out of alot of trouble.

I said goodbye to the girls and go to dinner. We decided that steak was in order. I was at a party in NYC on Weds night with some people from Boston and they told me about this place on Boylston st  called Abe and Louies. So me and Nance mosied on over there. Well, it was late and the place was empty so we got to have our own little private dinner. And it was delish. Nancy's foot hurt so we had to take a cab. When the guy pulled over, he asked where we were going and I said Braintree. Then I said, "no the hotel around the corner."  The whole ride he was like I had that $60 bucks from that ride to Braintree already in my bucket. and i was like "really you carry your money in a bucket?" and he laughed his ass off.

He dropped us off an sleepytime ensued. As I was falling to sleep I was thinking "yeah they did come to see me and I saw them and there is not hotel in the world that could separate me from who I am and the life I've lived.

Now, I'm lying her blogging, drinking coffee, about to read the New York times with my fabulous views the one outside my window and the one in my heart with memories of a lovely night.

in Boston..

Okay, I don't have much time but wanted to write a little gratitude. I'm here in Boston.  We got here around one and I have to admit, I'm a terrible back seat driver. There I said it, well, actually, I'm a terrible front seat  driver too, but my friend drove this time. We had a fun filled Boston day. Went to the BU bookstore got some goodies, then to Anna's Tacoria for lunch, with a stop at Fedex for some business, then some cupcakes at Party Time.

Now I"m hear at the hotel in kick ass room with a gorgeous view!!! It  was overwhelming pulling in.The enitre staff was like "Hi Ms. Costello welcome back."  When I go tto my room, there was wine and cheese and note wishing me well. It makes me blush, all the kindness. I"m very grateful for all of it.

Where does a smile come from?

was on the train and this autistic girl kept trying to say hi to everyone, but no one would make eye contact. So, when she was exiting, she said "Bye" to me and I looked her right in the eye and said "bye, have a nice day" and her whole face lit up!!!!

That was my facebook post on Tues. I put it up there, purely because the girl was so cute and  she made me smile. I got over 30 comments on that post. That's the most I've gotten. From people across the country.

Two, from Hyde Park Ma. A  guy I know, posted that " he doesn't understand where we all went wrong; autistic or not, people could say hello." And a girl I went to high school said," if people smiled at the girl it would not take a lot and they would realize that it would make them feel better. "

A guy from South Boston said " Good for you! see Sue, that's your character!" Which at first, I didn't get. But my friend explained that he meant, that's who I am at my core. And I guess it's true, because not in a million years did I think that people would be writing "good for you Sue" it's just what I do and to be honest, my friend form Hyde Park was right, it made me feel great.

Another girl wrote  that she has a severely autistic brother and knows how those kind of social shuns affect him.  She said, "thank you Sue for not being another face in the crowd." Another guy from California said "Sue you made her smile and in turn it must have made you smile."

It's true, but the smile was a by product, so were the comments. I had no intentions, I just did what was in my gut, both by saying "bye" and by posting it, but look at the response. I got to see how many people out there were moved but that little story. Which in turn made my faith in human kind even deeper. But you see, I had to be the one to do it. I can't wait for the world to see the little girl for me to feel better about who we are as people. I had to do it.  That's the thing, sometimes you just have use you character to be seen in the world, without caring about results. It's funny, because that's when the results come.

If you seek a smile, if you don't get it, it may turn into a frown; but if you seek to give, the smile may spontaneously come.

So, I ask you does a smile come from inside or outside?

I signed on to my myspace account that night and I got the message below from some random guy who never saw the post.

"wow what a gorgeous smile simply stunning!"

Makes you think, huh?

OMG! LOL! keep that ego check......

Oh boy, I had a good laugh this morning.  I'm still laughing!!! So, yesterday I'm supposed to do a radio show to promote my show in Boston. They tell me they need to call me on a land line, I don't have a land line, so I asked my old lady friend down the hall if I can use hers. She's 89 and  she she always tells me her whoosie whatsy is hanging out when she can see my hip or my stomach. She, mind you, opens the door in her underpants sometimes.

One time she asked me what was on her cell phone, she yells (froggy voice)  "SUUUUUUUUE what's on my phone?" It was text from some porno site.  I said "stop showing your whosie whatsy and they'll  stop texting, they can probably see in the window."

Lately, she's had me doing lots of things for her, like getting her converter box for the TV and helping her renew her drivers license. So, I didn't think a lot about asking if I could use her land line.

Well, the call was supposed to be at 10am yesterday. She was up at 6:30am getting ready for it. She called all her friends and told them not to call between 10 and 10:30. Needless to say, like always with show business, there was a mix up and the call never came. She slept for like two hours after. She doesn't like change.

She doesn't like change so much, that my friend Kristen Johston (3rd rock) tried to help her change her light bulbs one day, (cause she's tall) and she literally almost past out.

Well, I cleared up the mix up and they called today. I told her 50 times, if the phone rings, I'll get it. She said, "will they ask for Sue Costello?"  I said it doesn't matter because I'm going to get it. She asked "so, you'll answer it?" I said "yes, unless you want to be on the radio?" She said "oh it will be right on the radio?" I said "yes that's why I'm going to answer." She said "ok, so if the phone rings at ten o'clock it's going to be for you and I won't answer." I said "correct."

After we got that completely cleared up, the phone rang at 10am I answered and so did she. She proceeded to cough incessantly into the phone for 5 minutes. The radio host was like, "what is that? Sue are you throwing your voice?" "Are you smoking Marlboroughs? What is that?" LOLOLOLOL

I tried so hard to signal to her to hang up, but she was too busy staring into the phone and coughing. So I told him. I laid it all out there. I don' t have a land line so I had to use my old lady friends. He laughed so hard. So much for the mystique  of  superstardom.

Who cares, we all laughed and it made my day. I like my little old lady friend. Who, by the way, is back to sleep after all the excitement.

keep a lid on it.......or not...

Last night I had a dream about a bunch of trash cans.... the ones without lids were $50 cheaper than the one with them.  I woke up thinking how that is such a metaphor for life. We pay a much higher price for for keeping secrets than letting them breathe.  Of course it's not a monetary price, it's and emotional price. But I am a huge believer that money is a representation of our insides.

I always thought that if I told people the truth about myself, that the price would be awful, and sometimes it is. Sometimes the immediate reaction I get is so unbearable at  first because of the actually incident, but secondly, how it brings up my past and how I was attacked by my family because of their own inadequacies.

That last statement is the reality though. If it's hysterical its' historical. Because really if someone does not have the tools to handle my being a person that's really reflection of them not me.  But, when your a kid you internalize it and twist it.

Becuase the reality is, yes maybe it might hurt in the moment, but in the end the reward of freedom is priceless.

My career is taking off again and I'm having so many feelings.  I have so much goodness going on. I'm reminded of how hard it was the first go around. I had goodness but I was so young I didn't have any way to take care of myself. I fed into the darkness. I let it take me down.  The craziest part is that the goodness far outweighed the bad. But because I still had the darkness in me it won over.

This time is so different. I'm learning how to show up for life and really be myself. I've always always wanted to live my life a certain way. I have always been really honest. But people would say, "Sue we're not all like you!" and I would hide in shame. Mind you, I was never asking anyone to be like me. And, the other thing is they all wanted to be around me, my fun and cuteness and love, but they wanted it on their terms. I would buy into that at the expense of myself and eventually the love was gone and grumpy Sue would emerge.

My Dad always told me that I was too much growing up.  To much what? To much love? To much honesty? To much joy? To much funny? To much sexy? Imagine telling a kid that?

He also used to tell me that I couldn't lie no matter what. What a mixed message; he was essentially seeing that couldn't lie and asking me to lie about who I was at my core.  Mixed message or dummy?  He would love for me to have put a lid on it. Just so that he could feel more comfortable.

I am a performer. I am going to Boston for a few things this weekend. The reason I am going is people are paying me to let it all hang out. So I ask myself? Would I rather let it all air out even if that means some people need to stay with the "lids on group?" Yes I'll gladly take the 50 bucks and the freedom and be on my way.

loss and gain.......

I didn't blog yesterday because the Puerto Rican day parade was here in NYC and all the police blocked me signal, so I went downtown to get away from all the hubbub. I love Sundays.  It's my favorite day of the week. I used to hate them. I was so scared of my life that I didn't want another day to come. Well, yesterday we went to friend’s restaurant again and the hot boxer waited on us. So cute, the bartender was saying something to him and he came over to the table and whispered “the bartender wants to take you out on date" I replied "get in line" (jokingly) and then the boxer said yeah behind me.  So much fun.... esp. because I had on a t shirt, jeans and converse sneakers. The rest of the place was dressed to the nines. The boxer said something about my being flexible and I asked my friend how he knew that and she said, "He’s imagining." Its amazing this power called sexuality. It’s not how you dress its how you treat people.

I've been reading this spiritual book and it talks a lot about women’s sexuality and how it’s so important to use it to make the guys feel good, which is the complete opposite of what I was taught. It reminded me of when I went down to hand out food a few days after 9/11. I remember all the cops and fireman flirting so much. I was shocked that they could be in that much pain and still be sexual.  It made me feel really good, because there was something about it being an affirmation of life. That life goes on. It has to, we have no choice.

This spiritual book talks about how your sexuality can be a counter force to all the bad in the world.  Think of that image, we are standing downtown, these guys are digging out there friends form the rubble, we smell burning flesh and gasoline and there is sexuality surviving among all that destruction.

When I left the restaurant, I got an email from a girl from my neighborhood that another girl that we grew up with had died.  I'm not exactly sure of the cause of death, but I know she had been struggling with drugs and alcohol. As matter of fact, last time I was in Boston someone had told me that she was missing.

I cried so hard. I was surprised by my reaction. I was telling my NYC friends about her and how all weekend I had been listening to Grand Master Flash. That was one of the songs we listened to when she and I would go into the Old Harbor Projects. I was telling my friends about the guys we would meet and all the drugs. It just hit me, how dangerous it all was.

I also felt such sadness about how I got out and she didn't. Some people call it survivor guilt, but I think that sounds grandiose. Who am I to judge what someone’s path is?  All I can do is feel my feelings.

Every time I do my show people are like "Sue do you have any idea how poignant it is that you are alive to tell that story?' They are implying that I should be dead, and that most people don't live to tell my story. Or if they are alive, they are so shut down from the pain that they never could re tell it. I've been writing and performing my show for years now, but since going back to Boston it has sunk in even more.

I will say that coming to terms with my past has been an excruciating task. And I'm still going through it. I realized that when I had my success years ago I had to insulate myself. I used all the money and the fact that I had moved away as a buffer.

But as we all know, it’s and inside job. It's easy to stay away and pretend to be something that I’m not. But the true test is, to change and be able to go back as the person I have become.  Not only that, but to be able to maintain who I am in the midst all the pain. To show up with love, and to cry at the things that make me sad.

If I can show one person that there is hope for some freedom, and by freedom I mean, being a person who feels sadness, joy, sexuality, anger ...everything, then I feel like my life is worth it. And I mean show them, by being real about how sad I was as a person and how lonely and scared I was. And to show them that shame is not a necessity.

Like I said, guilt is just another form of ego. I'm very sad that the girl I grew up with no longer with us. And i felt it last night. I cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up.  But like I said maybe she was in so much pain that she needed out.

For the rest of us we need to keep going. We can't let sadness of that weigh so heavily on us that it takes us down too, life moves on,  every second someone is dying and every second someone is being born, though the act of sex. If we all just died, there would be no more world, no more life. If we are going to be alive, I say live until it's our time to go. And part of living is grieving. Feeling the loss and letting it go, somehow some way.

I woke up to an email from a cop I used to date 20 years ago who heard I was coming to town and if i need anything to call him. Sexuality- the counter force to all the bad in the world.