everyday i get up and do it...

The first thing I do when I wake up is meditate, then I make my coffee, then I pull up my blog. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to write, but I do it anyway and eventually something comes to me.

Lately, I have been fascinated with this idea of being seen. The idea of putting myself out there so people can see me, instead of hiding and being angry that no one gets me.lol

It brings to mind a joke that I always wanted to do. It came about when some girl was trying to give me dating advice.

She told me all these rules. i'e ,if a guy calls you after a certain time don't answer, blah blah blah. The whole motive behind her tips was to play hard to get.

I wanted to do a joke about me sitting on my couch on a sat night ALONE saying "oh yeah I'm showing  them, I"m so hard to get!"

AHHHHH and I just turned on the radio and Janice Joplin's signing "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose!!" See if I show up and the dive intervention will follow.

I dunno, i'm just amazed that the level of fear that comes up when I put myself out there. And that song rings so true for me. I mean what the hell do I have to loose?

And the truth is, I get everything I've ever wanted when I do it. Which backs up my theory that I have an aversion to pleasure. I mean it's really crazy, I could see if I was getting negative attention then it would make sense but being afraid of being happy is to hard for me to wrap my brain around.

I mean what if I got everything I ever wanted? And by that I mean internally, what if I healed to the point that I could handle whatever comes my way. My whole identity has been I'm the girl who got f*cked over by life.

Now who will  be?

I"m not sure, but I got nothing left to lose and I want to be free so I'm to feel the fear and do it anyway....

into me I see.....

I have to laugh, as smart as I might be most of the time ,when it comes to men, sometimes I am a little naive. I mean, in terms of picking up when they are hitting on me. My friend Nancy told me last night that I need become more aware.

I guess it's true., especially f I want to enjoy it

Thank God I have better friends now, because in the past I would have friends that would notice that I didn't pick up on the attention and then steal the guys.

When I was in Boston I got alot of guy attention, so much that it embarrassed me.

It's hard, the only way I can describe it is, that it must be the same for someone who grew up fat and now looks great.

It's not easy to shake those inside feelings, especially for me, when it comes to something like looks. Because our society bases so much on them and I think of it as a shallow way to connect. Plus, looks will eventually leave, so the thought of building a life based on them seems stupid.

But if I look closer at that past statement, what I'm really doing is blocking my own pleasure. Why not enjoy it while I have it??? Why be ashamed of something that feels good?  I know, because I'm afraid someone might think badly of me, might make fun of me, might tell me that I'm weird.

It seems that a good balance between the two is to have a healthy awareness of what I look like in order to live in the world. Plus, the better I feel inside, the better the outsides look.

I was telling my friend yesterday that when I was in high school all the girls wanted to be beautiful and I wanted to be sexy.

I always thought sexy was better. Because it comes from the inside. Beautiful is outside. But now I think about it, why do I have to choose?

My Dad told me that I was" too much" growing up and my whole life I have tried to tone it down.

But not really, I am an actress and a comic, so I've been putting myself out there, but not all the way out there. So I've been pretty much hiding in public.

I realize why though. I just did my hula hoop video for fun and lots of Boston people commented that I'm crazy and a nut and that there is something wrong with me. The rest of the world love it and said things like "for Christ's sake stay happy" and" that was the funniest thing I've ever seen."

In the past, the comment that there was something wrong with me would have made me ashamed, now I realize that  what I  learned in grammar school, " if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." still applies.

And that is not for me, but for that person's own self worth.  Saying mean things, takes from the world.

I'm not weird, I'm happy and generous and loving.

If people want to connect with me they can be nice, because that will bring me closer, if they are mean and call me names, I will run, run, run.

As for the guys  it's the same question. I just hope I can feel in my body to know when they are giving it:)

I remember being in therapy and saying "i don't like the way that guy talked to me" and my therapist said "good cause that used to turn you on."

And lets be real.. isn't weird to not want to be mean to or not  around someone fun and loving and respectful and generous?

flexing is way sexier...

Oh boy, sorry I've been away for a bit.  I got a lot going on. I just booked another movie and I shot my hula hoop video yesterday. Today is Sunday and it's raining so, I may stay in my PJs all day drink coffee and read the New York Times.

But before I do that ,I must write about my latest discovery. Well, I always knew this to be true, but I think I'm finally able to put it into action.

Last night, Iwas talking to this guy about how growing up, we used to bust each others balls and how it felt like love.  Then, when I went to therapy, my therapist told me that lots of people connect through aggression. I had never heard it put that way. It's amazing how a different perspective can help in digging yourself out of your own self inflicted imprisonment.

On that day, I decided that I was not going to live my life that way.

When I first started to look at myself ,I didn' t like what I saw. I didn't like that Iwas sarcastic and mean. I also didn't like that fist fighting was always an option.

When I realized this, I put it all down, but then it was like I became nothing. I was in trouble because I couldn't survive in the world with no skin. So I had to learn a  new way of life.

I slowly learned how to get in touch with my healthy aggression and I learned how to express it in a healthy way.

I simple rule of thumb is; to push back when pushed.

Reflect someone else's behavior back to them.

That doesn't mean if someone is sarcastic and mean, be that back to them.

No, it means push them back with something more sophisticated.

A healthy expression of aggression.

I've worked really hard to untwist it. I used to think that love was hate and hate was love.  So now when people try to pull me down into their aggression to keep me close, but I just step off now. I flex my muscles in my legs and walk away.

I leave them with their own feelings of aggression. But, I leave the door open. If they want to come back and connect with me though love, I will always be available.

Also, I have come to terms with where I come from and I embrace it. It's just that I had to re cycle it a bit, to turn out a different product.

True freedom is becoming a wholly integrated person, muscles and all.

don't have time today...

but tune in tomorrow when i write about flexing instead of fighting...peace

oh to be a kid again..

Friday night I was on the train and there was a woman sitting behind me with her two kids. A boy around 2 and a little girl 4. They were a little rambunctious and I could tell the mother was tired.

I went over and began talking to the little girl so the Mom could focus on the boy.

I was listening to my Ipod and the little girl wanted to listen as well. Her mom was nervous that she was bothering me.

I told her "not at all" and put one of the ear plugs in her ear.

I put on Miley Cyrus'  the climb and she loved it, as do I.  We began singing it at the top of our lungs.

She was smiling and laughing hysterically.  I hadn't noticed her shirt beforehand, but I looked down at that moment and saw that it read HAPPY.

When we were almost to the station, she asked me if I would hold her hand when we were getting off the train. Of course I said yes.

As we were leaving the train, she asked if I would carry her, of course I said yes.

When it was time to part ways she blew me huge kisses and I blew her huge kisses as well.

As I walking away, I stopped for a minute and felt my body. That little exchange brought me so much joy. This little girl helped me to bring out the little girl in me.

In the past, I would have been too embarrassed to sing with her. I would be afraid that people would think I was weird.

Then the ricochet affect would happen.

I would tell her to  "shhh" because of my own inhibitions and fear of what others might think and I would squelch her little girl then she would not act like that again and prob grow up and do the same to her kid.

But that didn't happened and I bet you a dollar that if I had done that, she wouldn't have asked me to carry her and blow kisses to me when i was leaving.

Hence, I would not have had the great feelings inside me.

Interdependance is the key to life....

Jesus that’s a tough one. That’s seems to be the key to happiness. The key to freedom. Accepting my own humanity has been the only relief I ever get. As I continue on my journey down this road called life. I am beginning to realize that the only and I really mean the only, time that I am in emotional pain is when my ego takes over.

I was talking to my friend last night about how fascinated I am that most of life is really created by our thoughts.

I have a band on my arm that says" our lives are what our thoughts create."

I got it in a gift bag from a party I went to at Fred Segal in LA. If that’s not ironic I don’t now what is.

My point is that I hadn’t worn it in a while because I didn’t completely get it. But for some reason lately, it’s sinking in. Maybe it’s because I have more courage now ,to slow down, feel my feelings and witness my thoughts.

I was saying to friend that I cant’ believe how much of what goes on in life is just feelings, and how if they aren’t felt, they manifest on the outside.

She said she had never really thought about it, but now that I mentioned it, yes it makes sense.

Think about people who thrive in chaos.  It’s because they are not feeling their feeling they are dumping them on everyone else.

They think it’s a relief ,but it’s not ,maybe in the first second you feel better, but in reality you are creating your own hell.

As I am writing this it makes me think about the earth. How we have been lazy and just dumped everything wherever we wanted to and now it’s tuning back on us and if we don’t start paying attention, do our part  to come together, the global warming will literally turn us into a huge fire ball.

Controling the world with my ass cheeks

I really thought I could do that. I really thought that if I just squeezed my ass cheeks together, then I could control everything outside of me.  That would actually make for a funny super hero, becasue it definitely doesn't work in real life. The only good that has come out of it, is that I have a nice ass.  Which we heard all about yesterday. Enough of that, anyway, somone once taught me that a control freak eventually controls themselves out of a life.

I did that, I made my life so small because I couldn't tolerate any feelings, which sounds sooooooo crazy as I am writing this.

I am very happy that I have worked hard to release alot of that control and in turn, my life has gotten a lot bigger and I am much more free.

I got a business email this morning that I knew was going to make me have feelings and as I was reading I was thinking OMG in the past this would have crippled me.

I was so sensitive. EVERYTHNG hurt my feelings and I took everything as a personal attack. I also thought I was the center of the universe. I didn't know it at the time, but that much self loathing is really just self centeredness to the extreme.

It's nice to know that I'm just like everyone else. The way I express it might be authentic, but inside way deep inside we are all the same.

God don't make no junk....

Have you ever really looked at a baby? Why do we love babies so much? Because they are a direct delivery, fresh from God. They are the beginning, they are untouched, unscathed by life and the humans that live there. I have always heard that saying "this wonderful gift called life" and I would think, oh yeah what a gift, because I had so much pain inside. I would think, what is all this for? Is it some sick joke that we were all thrown here to figure it out by ourselves. It's like the blind leading the friggin blind.

But then I I decided to grow up. and open my eyes and take responsibily for my life and realize that, if I am a child of God, who am I to be making shit out of it?

Then I thought about the mind and the body and how growing up they taught us if you think it its a sin, it's real. So I asked myself  "why doesn't that work the other way around? What if i decide that good things can happen?"

It sounds alot easier than it is. To feel that I am worth it in life is sometimes so excruciating that I would rather not do it.

So, I act as if. Someone once told me that if a healthy person gets treated poorly they walk away.  I have decided that I will do that, even if it takes a while for my feelings to catch up.  Even if I don't feel like I deserve more, I will take a different action.

Why? because someone else taught me that if I keep doing the same thing, the same thing will happen.

At first, I would  go really fast and make things happen so I didn't have to feel and that usually ended in more pain.

So now I go slow and take good care. Self preservation can be very lonely, because it reminds me that I am alone in the world and that others are going to do what they do. But i f I lean on God,   and let him guide me and protect what he made, it will lead me back to that child I was when I began.

And  baby needs to be taken care of everyday all the time so I'm have to do it for myself the good news is, I'm not a baby and I have words.