You have a nice ass.........

Ok in honnor of full diclosure I can't begin this post without being honest and revealing the inspiration for it. It's the Bachelorette. Okay, so I watch it.  Part of me watches it to nurture the hopeless roamntic in me and the other part watches it for my brain. I like to find the loop holes. I watch it like a detective to see where I'm being dooped and then there is another part of me that watches it purley, because it turns me on.

Okay, now that we cleared that up, this season there was  a guy who a bit agressive (at least that's how the edited it) and in one scene, he told Jillian that she had  a great ass, while touching her inappropriately.

So, they show that scene last night and the audience is pissed...... The host (what's his face) asked the women if it's ok to tell a girl that she has a nice ass and the hiss.

I'm lying on my bed feeling like my enitre world is being rocked.  I have had many guys tell me that I have a great ass and I've liked it. Mind you they weren't touching me inppropriately against my will while saying it)

See the show makes me think. Now I'm thinking that was so set up the way they worded it. The guy even defended himself, he said they had been dating for a month and mind you, the scene was in private, minus the cameras.

She never said "stop talking to me like that or don't touch me."

I sat there in awe that the audience had no problem with her having sex with three guys in one epidode yet "nice ass was way out of line."

I started to go over in my head the guys that have told me that I had a nice ass. They were sexual but always respectful of me. I remember one time asking a guy to talk dirty to me and he asked "how dirty, cause I can get pretty dirty." Lol I responded, "not too dirty." and he laughed and respected it.

Then, another time, I was dating a guy who  left me a message while I was at spinning class. He said I hope you are spinning your ass off, well not off, cause it's a  great ass."

When I was younger guys would refer to me as the girl with the "best ass in Boston."  But that wasn't all they would say. They liked how funny I was and how smart I was and that I was kind.

I used to stay over the" dirty talk " guys house. He would wake up early to go to work and leave me there, and every morning he would leave his Yankee's cap on  his pillow.  I would wake up, laugh and make his bed every time before I left.   He used to sleep on it made, because he appreciated it so much that he didn't want it to go away.  Also, we were on the phone one night talking about Marianne Williamson and he was like "I can't believe how nice it is to talk to you."

And the spinning guy lived in LA so we talked all the time on the phone and he said "sue I have never had conversations like this."

I have no judgement about people and how many people they sleep with but I do for myself. I need someone to respect me and see me as a person and treat me kindly, oh and think that I'm s sexy mutha fuckah:)

I am perplexed by the twisted views of sexuality in this country. It's seems to me to be all or nothing.Everybody is different . Everybody has a right to tell someone what they like and what they don't like. I think that your sexuality is a God given gift to be used to give back to the world, it is not to be used as a weapon.  Exploration is the key to find out what you like. I'm laughing as i write this remembering a time when I opened the door to one of those guys with my lacy short shorts and tank top on and he devoured me.  I told him after, that it was a bit too much for me that I had seen  it on TV so I tried it. LOL it's just wasn't for me. And guess what?  He laughed and that made him like  me even more:)

So just like I watch the show for my heart, my brain and my hopeless romantic I will continue on my venture to see what I like and don't like, using all of me:) and i ask all of you to do the same give back don't use it as a weapon use it to spread the love:)

quitting 5 miles before the finish line...

I read once that Tony Robbins said, that most people quit five miles before the finish line. I'm not a big Tony Robbins person, but I am a big believer in taking what you like and leave the rest, and I have to say, I identify with that statement. It seems like happiness and success is something that would come easy and feel comfortable. I have found the opposite to be true. I feel like the closer I get to my dreams coming true that the anticipation is so great, I feel like I could go to bed forever.

The pressure right before hand feels unbearable. As I'm writing this it makes me think about what it must feel like when you are giving birth.  I have never had a baby, but I'm guessing that after 9 or 10 months, the fear of the pain would be overshadowed by the need to get the baby out.

But then, while in labor the contactions must be so unbearable that you just want to stop. But there is no stopping, becuase the birth process had begun and there is no turning back.

I feel that way about life and destiny. You cant's stop it, but we can help with the contractions.  It's not until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, do we change. And even then, we have road blocks and obstacles.

I am completely fascinated with the idea of self sabotage. I have experienced it myself and I've been on the receiving end of someone else's.

If I had to describe it in two words, they would be self hatred.  I think that inside a lot of  us feel that we don't deserve even the basic of ours needs to be met.

So, when we get close to manifesting what is in our hearts, our mind gets in the way and takes us down. Because just like when you are pregnant, it 's the time in your life that meeting your basic needs and taking extra care of yourself is essential. For me, it' s the only way to keep myself from acting out over the uncomfortable feelings.

Life is like running a marathon. You need to go slow and steady because if you go really fast out of the gate you will burn yourself out. And even when you go slow you have to deal with the pains of self hated that come up. Just like when you get a pain in your side. You have to breathe through it.

And when you cross the finish line, you begin training for the next one.

silly and sexy.....

Today I bought a hoola hoop that glows in the dark and has flashing lights one it. I I LOVE IT!! It's to help me work on my hip moves for all the dancing that i'm about to put in my show. It's also to for the kid in me. I used to be able to make it move all the way up to my neck and then back down my body to my feet. Then, i could take one foot our and keep it twirling while skiping over it.

It is my mission to get back to that.

As  a kid I did it for fun, as an adult I'm doing it for three things,

1, exercise

2. fun

3. to enhance my sexy:)

That's the difference between being a kid and being an adult. You can still have fun, but instead of it being free floating you can focus it to get maximum results.

I heard that Sinatra song the other day about how you can't be narrow of mind if you are young at heart.

A free spirit needs to soar....

My whole life people have tried to put me in a box. Make me act in a way that makes them feel comfortable. And many times i was a willing volunteer. I squelched myself to make someone feel better about themselves.  I thought in some way that  I would quell their insecurities, but it NEVER worked.

The insecurities are there always and if they are not dealt with they get worse.

The only way I can simply describe it is a drowning person will step in your head to save themselves, but really all that does is kill both people.

It never works because eventually the real you comes out and everybody is disappointed.

So, today I ask you all to go out and let your spirit soar a little. Go out and dance or tell someone a secret about yourself, or give a stranger a hug. Who cares if they think you are weird. Don't hide your spirit so others won't feel bad go out and shine so they can see that it's possible.

I know this sounds like a little thing but it's the first step twoards freedom.

And think about it; if you do one of those little steps everyday, eventually you will be halfway there:)

Sharing is caring...

I just saw a little girl on the street who taught me that "sharing is caring: when she was 3. She is about the cutest kid I've ever seen. I have such fond memories of exchanges that I had with her when she was little.

I used to babysit for her all the time. It was the most awesome feeling to know that it was just me and her and we needed to communicate because there was no one else around to help.

I LOVED her freedom and she LOVED suspended reality. I would play this game with her, that I made up called, broccoli. I would go into her room and yell "OK everybody I'm going to take a nap." Mind you, she was already under the covers hiding. Then, I would lie down and  jump up and yell "what's in my bed? is it a bunch of broccoli? Is it a sack of potatoes? and she would jump out and say no "Costello it' s me silly!'

Then she would say "again" like 15 times.....

Then, one night, when I was putting her to bed, I tried to pull off her turtle neck and she freaked out. I asked her what was wrong and it turned out, her Dad had gotten her turtleneck stuck on her head once and now she had a little phobia.

I told her not to worry because if that turtle neck got stuck, Costello would run into the kitchen and get the scissors and cut it right off.

Through her tears and her hiccups she asked, Costello you'll get the scissors if we need them? Then she lifted her arms and I slid the turtle neck off.

As she was falling asleep, she asked one more question, "Costello, do big girls cry?"  Which brought a tear to my eye.

I thought, God, I've had times when I've been in my apt after wearing a shirt that was too tight and having to lie on the bathroom floor to get it off. And how I wish someone could have comforted me.

I responded "only the cool ones."

Then ,one night we were having dinner and she asked me what a word meant. I don't remember the word, but it was something that was really, really hard to describe. I tried and half way through she circled her fingers around her ears and said, "It's tooooooo confusssssssssssing." lol

Then, the killer was when they were filming me for Last Comic Standing and they asked her if she thought I was funny and she said "no." Everyone laughed and moved on, everyone but her. An hour later she was in the kitchen crying to her Mom.  She said I wasn't funny because, she wanted to say that I was pretty and she didn't know if I could be both.

Jeese she must have been talking to those Hollywood types while I wasn't looking. I sensed another phobia growing.

Sharing is caring only when what you are sharing makes the world and others grow. If you share with the intent to dump it takes away and  there is another word to describe that, but it's toooooooooo confussssssssssssing.

Show Day

I don't have a lot of time today because I'm gearing up for tonight. I'm very excited; my show is growing so much and exactly how I wanted it to, organically. The word of mouth is spreading. I am very happy to have put so much work in to something i belive in. Mind you it NOT even finished yet. I have been working on the end for 3 years.

The beginning took a while too. But the end is the hardest because how do you end something that is jsut beginning?

Also I have to pull the whole show through sum it up wihtout insulting anyones intelligence.

I found putting the show up when it's not perfect has been the hardest thing of all. But really it's the best thing I've ever done. Every time I do it sinks more into my body and sue becomes more of a character than me. I actually have begun to refer to her at "she."

Which is really cool because the show is about letting go but not forgetting.

I am enjoying the process so much even though some days I wish it would just all come out of me.

Slow and steady wins the race. And if I go to fast I don't feel anything and how in the world am i going to ask others to feel if I'm not leading the way.

Walking the walk:)

status qo, staus schmo

When I first started to learn about art, I saw an Ed Hopper exhibit and all the wall there was a description. The description said, that Ed Hopper did not need a lot on the outside because he had a lot going on on the inside.

I remember standing there thinking, what does that mean? I was frozen. It was like everything i had learned was being turned on it's head in that one moment. MY whole life was built on trying to feel safe and stuff and people were the only ways I could find to do that.

I always believed in God I guess, well not really, i believed in God as long as I thought i was had some control  I never allowed my self to fully surrender, to fully give in and see what happened.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't have glimpses of knowing thaI had something inside me that wasn't of my own making.

I remember reading A Return to love by Marianne Williamson, she talked about how God can't come straight down because it would too powerful, and scare us.

I definitely associate talent with God and love, I think we all have it, in one form or another.  But to let it flow freely through us is so intense.

I used to be afraid to talk like this for fear of the nasty backlash. But now I don't care, i would rather talk like this than be ugly. I also realize that the attacks are just them attacking that within themselves that they know is in there but are afraid to have it stirred because it might take a little work to get to it. So it seems like the easier thing to do is to try to make me stop saying it.

But once it is achieved, you don't need anything on the outside to comfort you. You can reach down and pull it out anytime.

Kristen Johnston invited me to her vacation home after seeing  me perform once. I asked her why she let me come because she didn't even know me. I said I could be crazy. She responded with anyone with that much talent can't be crazy.

I was shocked that she could see in me something in me that I hadn't completely seen in myself.  She also asked me why I left my neighborhood. I said, " because I've always wanted grow, I would have left any neighborhood. She responded, "you knew you had talent."

Maybe I did, on an unconscious level. I have always searched for something more in my life.  I have always wanted to express myself. Thats' all I've ever wanted yet I found myself buried by all this stuff.  There were many times that I stood on stage, and I could feel that I wasn't being myself. I would feel like i wanted to stop the bullshit and just talk.

It wasn't until all my stuff was taken away that I found my own worth. I had to let go, I  wanted to let go, I wanted to face everything and see what would happen. I wanted to work so hard that it felt like I might die. I wanted my insides to shake so much that i wanted to take back my control and not do it. I wanted to reach past all the things and get to the insides so that just in case I live until I'm a hundred i will have a safe place to live.

Inside my own skin.

I feel like I have disciplined myself enough to keep myself from self sabotage, and disciplined myself enough to feel joy.

I look forward to continuing my journey because nothing is ever still,  I saw a billionaire on MSMBC say that he didn't believe in status qo, because anything that isn't growing is dying.

Your Move

So, yesterday was my second chess lesson. This guy had volunteered to teach me.  The reason why I want to learn how to play chess is because I've heard that it helps exercise your brain. He kept telling me that he only likes to play with a timer. He doesn't like that people take a bunch  of time to think.

I said, "don't you think that maybe that's a mind game. If you told me that, I would see that as a weakness and take my time because it would drive you crazy and then I could win." He responded "no."

He proceeded to teach me that the Queen is the baddest mutha f*ckah on the board.  And that you should always be a few moves ahead of your next move.

Then I won lol.

Yesterday was the second lesson.  As soon as we sat down this cute little boy came over and starting giving me rapid fire tips.  He talked alot and really fast. He told us that his older brother was much better at the game than him. He said that his older brother was better than him and t everything. I said to the guy "wow and it never changes, you are always the younger brother."

The guy proceeded to say (with so much aggression mind you ) "No my younger brother worked for me."

I took note. Then the kid told me that the guy had taught me the wrong name for one of the pieces. He told me it was called a castle, and the kid said it's called a rook, (i already knew this because I went on line and studied in between the two lessons)

The guy got all insecure and said "he knows more than me."

Then the older brother came over and started to help me. He was must calmer and took longer to think. As the pauses were happening i was beginning to realize that the guy was bullshitiing me. I had asked him a few questions that he didn't have the answers to. He would just tell me that the only way to learn was to play.

I asked the older boy to help me by asking me questions, to lead me to making my move, instead of just making it for me. He did it kindly.

The younger brother was still knocking over pieces and  acting rambunctious. Then out of no where, another little boy came over and asked who's ball was lying beside us.

The little one responded "mine." and just as the kid was walking away he said, "you can use it."

He knows what it feels like to have an older brother, so he shared.

Then, we were back to the game. I kept my eyes on the guy the whole time.

At one point he intimidated the older one,  jumped on him before he was able to make his move. I saw the shame come over his body. He was getting the unconscious message not to make the guy look bad.  I let the kid finish and  then It was time to go.

I politely said I had somewhere to be. I bent down looked in the boys eyes and thanked them for their help and told them to never stop being great at chess, no matter what.

As me and the guy were walking to the street, I thought, that's why he likes to go fast, so that no one will see him for who he really is. Which is  really just a 6 year old kid, without the empathy.  He had no more moves, he just showed me who he was in an hour. Check mate.